Why I Stopped Feeling Guilty for Living My Life

And you should too!

There was a time, not so long ago when guilt was my constant companion. Every decision, every boundary, every moment where I dared to prioritise myself over others was accompanied by an uncomfortable, gnawing sense of wrongness. Guilt even seeped into the most mundane aspects of life - like eating a chocolate bar.

I used to feel guilty for indulging in something as simple as chocolate because I wasn’t actively starving myself to achieve societal beauty standards. That small act of enjoyment carried the weight of years of conditioning that told me I had to look a certain way to be valuable. But after working to deprogramme my good girl and people-pleasing tendencies, I’ve noticed something remarkable: I no longer feel guilty nearly as much as I used to.

That sense of freedom - from guilt I didn’t earn and responsibilities that weren’t mine - has been transformative.

It’s a journey worth sharing because it’s one many of us, especially women, can relate to.

The Role of Guilt in Good Girl Conditioning

Good girl conditioning trains us to prioritise others’ needs over our own, to keep the peace, and to seek validation by meeting societal expectations. From an early age, we’re rewarded for being “nice,” “obedient,” and “selfless.”

The downside? This conditioning often warps our relationship with guilt. We begin to see it not as a signal that we’ve harmed someone or violated our values, but as a punishment for asserting ourselves, setting boundaries, or simply being human.

Common Scenarios of Conditioned Guilt:

• Saying “no” to something we don’t want to do.
• Asking for help or prioritising self-care.
• Indulging in food, rest, or pleasure that doesn’t align with societal “ideals”.
• Speaking up or standing out in ways that challenge norms.

Even the small joys in life, like having a duvet day, can trigger an avalanche of guilt. Instead of enjoying it, we feel shame for not conforming to impossible productivity standards, as though every minute of rest is a rebellion we must apologise for.

Do Not Go Looking for Guilt You Didn’t Earn

I was reading one of my favourite book series when I came across this quote -

“Do not go looking for guilt you didn’t earn”

It’s from Hunters of Dune by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson, and it’s a reminder to stop seeking blame where none belongs.

For those of us conditioned to be “good girls,” this advice is revolutionary. We’re so used to internalising others’ discomfort or disappointment that we often search for ways we’ve failed, even when we’ve done nothing wrong. This mental reflex keeps us locked in cycles of self-doubt and over-apologising.

Unearned guilt looks like this:

• Feeling responsible for someone else’s bad mood or failure.
• Apologising reflexively, even when no apology is needed. I have started telling random strangers off for doing this.
• Feeling ashamed for enjoying something society deems “unacceptable,” like eating a dessert or taking some time for yourself.

When we let go of unearned guilt, we reclaim the emotional energy wasted on appeasing others, and instead use it to build lives that align with our values.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what Earned Guilt is, it’s what you feel when you’ve genuinely messed up - like hurting someone or going against your values - and it’s there to nudge you to own up, make things right, and learn from it.

So next time you’re feeling guilty, run it through this lens.

Deprogramming Good Girl Guilt: My Journey

When I first started deprogramming my good girl tendencies, guilt was one of the hardest emotions to tackle. The voice in my head told me that setting boundaries or speaking my truth would upset others - and upsetting others meant I was selfish, unkind, or unworthy. Honestly, saying no made me feel like a massive arsehole.

Here’s what I’ve learned: Guilt isn’t always an accurate guide. Sometimes, it’s a sign you’re breaking free from unhealthy patterns.

Key Shifts I Made:

1. Redefining My Role: I stopped seeing myself as responsible for everyone else’s happiness. It’s literally not my job.
2. Reframing Guilt: I began to ask, “Is this guilt earned, or is it a product of my conditioning?” Like, genuinely, have I done something wrong?
3. Celebrating Boundaries: I started viewing boundaries as acts of self-respect, not selfishness. Listening to my emotions was so helpful here. Watch out for when you’re feeling resentful.
4. Reclaiming Pleasure: I allowed myself to enjoy things without attaching shame to them. Look for the joy!
5. Seeking Validation Within: Instead of looking outward for approval, I practised trusting my decisions. Listening to your gut is so flipping powerful.

How to Let Go of Unearned Guilt

1. Pause and Evaluate

When you feel guilty, pause and ask yourself:

• Did I actually harm someone?
• Or am I feeling guilty for asserting my needs or challenging norms?

If it’s the latter, remind yourself that this guilt is unearned. And like Taylor Swift says.. “Shake it off”!

2. Challenge Conditioned Beliefs

Ask yourself:

• Who benefits from me feeling guilty about this?
• Does this guilt align with my values, or is it rooted in outdated expectations?

3. Give Yourself Permission

Practice embracing pleasure and autonomy without shame.

• Example: Eating a chocolate bar is not a moral failure. It’s nourishment, enjoyment, and a moment for yourself.

4. Celebrate Boundaries and Self-Care

Recognise that saying no, indulging in self-care, or enjoying simple pleasures are not selfish acts but essential ones.

5. Reflect on Progress

Keep a journal to track moments when you resisted unearned guilt and chose self-respect instead.

The Freedom Beyond Guilt

As I’ve let go of guilt that doesn’t belong to me, I’ve discovered a profound sense of freedom. I’m no longer weighed down by the need to meet everyone else’s expectations. Instead, I feel lighter, more authentic, and far more connected to my true self.

By learning to recognise unearned guilt and letting it go, you create space to live unapologetically, to embrace your power, and to honour your needs without shame.

Ask yourself: What guilt am I holding onto that isn’t mine? What would my life look like if I let it go?

And What Else is Happening?

1. Good Girl Deprogramming Podcast

In the 19th episode of The Good Girl Deprogramming Podcast I’m joined by Michaela Thomas, a brilliant clinical psychologist, author, and advocate for compassionate living. Together, we dive into the cultural and societal pressures that fuel good girl conditioning, how guilt keeps women playing small, and how we can rewrite those narratives to live unapologetically and authentically.

Michaela shares fascinating insights about the Scandinavian concept of janteloven—a cultural belief in staying humble—and how it impacts women’s struggles with self-promotion and confidence. We also talk about my own humorous “tea experiment” and the surprising lessons I learned about simply asking for what you need.

In this episode, we explore how to embrace “compassionate assertiveness” as a powerful way to break free from people-pleasing tendencies. Whether you’re working on setting boundaries, battling perfectionism, or reclaiming your voice, this episode is full of relatable stories and practical strategies to help you burn bright—without burning out.

What We Cover:

• How societal and cultural norms, like janteloven, influence women to play small and minimise themselves.
• Recognising guilt that isn’t yours and learning to set boundaries without feeling selfish.
• Michelle’s “tea experiment” and the surprising lessons in simply voicing your needs.
• Why women often block help from others and how to open up to compassion and care.
• Michaela’s strategies for ambitious women to achieve their goals without depleting themselves.
• How to listen to your inner voice, trust your needs, and create lasting change in your life.

You can find it on all the usual podcasting platforms or on YouTube -

2. WTF (Women Talking Facts)

This screenshot cracks me up. We look so smug. Not sure why?

It was a good one - we talked about the recent shenanigans of Zuckerberg, Connor McGregor, MPs being misogynists, women being blamed for EVERYTHING and the endlessly boring line of people weighing on Meghan Markle!

You can see where we’re hanging out next week and catch up with all previous episodes here.

3. Actually, She Can - The Podcast.

In February I’ll be speaking at the incredible Actually, She Can event! Here’s

You can listen where you usually find your podcasts, or here.

Check out the details and secure your spot here: Actually, She Can. I hope to see you there!

Give me a shout if you have any questions at all.

Well, that’s me done. Hope you’re doing ok. Let me know what you think!

Lots of love,

Mx