Why I Shut Up Talking About Divorce (but won't anymore)- Part 1

The BBQ was ready and it was finally time to eat. Everyone grabbed a plate, filled it with tasty BBQ ribs and plenty of side dishes, grabbed a beverage, and sat down to eat. The husbands sat in front of the TV to watch and eat while the wives sat at the table to talk and eat. I was delighted and honored to be back hanging out with friends and their husbands. Quite some time had passed since my divorce and being back with these friends felt good, even though I was the only single woman now in the group.

After dinner, some of the wives left the table to clean up, watch part of the game with the husbands, or do other things. That left me and one of the wives remaining at the table.

"It's good to be invited back around with everyone," I said with a glow on my face.

"The other women don't want you around out of fear you'll take their husband," the wife said as sharp as a Cutco knife.

"Take their husband??? I DON'T want anyone's husband," I retorted defensively.

The other wives had gathered back around the table and this bearer of negative news dropped our conversation in favor of a conversation with the other wives. A different conversation was struck among us, but I was stuck in the old one.

I left later that night for home, alone, in the car with my thoughts. Everyone else went home with their partner.

"This is why I stopped being invited to events and gatherings? These b**** think the divorced woman is desperate enough to lure their sorry husbands into her sexual web. Is that whom they think I am? A husband stealer? Am I wearing a Scarlet Letter 'D'?"

I mused.

I spat.

I cried.

I cursed.

But, I hadn't fully gotten down in the dumps until other memories flooded my mind:

• "She was crazy to leave." One friend told another friend who told me.
• A threat to shut up my public talks about divorce.

Whispers were ongoing in my circle. But I could hear them loudly in my head. Criticisms were exchanged in conversations that I wasn't a part of, but could feel them in my bones when familiar faces came around.

I wanted to disassociate myself from divorce in any way I could. The volume of work I had already done in the divorce space I wish could evaporate.

What did I decide to do?

I shut up!

I took my divorce banner down. I packed up the shop. I ripped the Scarlet Letter into shreds. I stopped coaching divorced women. I stopped talking about my favorite word, RESILIENCE.

I flipped the light switch OFF and left.

Two years ago, I started working with a divorce attorney who is a mediator as her business coach. Helping her to develop an online coaching course, "Don't Litigate. Mediate!", turned the light switch back on. To launch her digital coaching course, I created an awareness campaign that included a series of LIVE presentations at the local library. It was my "bright idea" to open each presentation with my personal story of divorce. In preparing, I asked my daughters (nearly all adults now) to write down their realizations, regrets, and reflections as adult children of divorce. They gave me permission to share their thoughts during my presentation.

As I presented my story before a small mixed crowd of attorneys, a prospective divorcee and her adult child, something within me came alive. As I read my daughters' words, my emotions stepped in and made a bold command: "Go back to telling stories of resilience. Go back to advocating for a healthier divorce."

I'm obeying the command of my emotions because my story and my efforts can help - and must help - thousands of divorcing and divorced families find peace, including my own.

I won't shut up about divorce even if others mistakenly think I want their man, or people don't like what I have to say, or I'm not invited to certain events. Too many hearts and minds are at stake to dim my light for others to feel secure.

Divorce is a global problem, along the public health spectrum. The negative effects on the health, wealth, and well-being of families can be mitigated with creative and evidence-based solutions.

I'm sowing my Scarlet Letter back together if wearing it is what it takes to make divorce healthier.

Your Call to Action

If you know someone who is contemplating, going through, or already beyond divorce, reach out to them today and let them know how much you care about them and their well-being. With just that outreach, you will help them in more ways than they may ever tell you.