Why I love the sea...

I went to my favourite beach today. Nobody was sat on the bench at the end of the pier (probably because the wind was so cold that it could freeze a blazing inferno), so, I sat. I crossed my legs, pulled my fleece over my nose and watched the waves.

????????????????? After a while, I thought about the disconnection I feel at the moment. I’m taking a career break, and I will be joining a new cohort of Trainee Clinical Psychologists when I return. I feel like my friends are moving on without me. Well, that’s technically the reality. I acknowledged the sense of loneliness that comes with taking a career break when you have made work your life for quite some time. I thought, “If I were to write a message in a bottle, what would I say?”. I thought about that for a while and imagined a moment of connection with a total stranger, who had discovered my message whilst walking along a distant shore. I wondered if they would resonate with my words, and I remembered that someone else, somewhere else, would. We never have a unique feeling, feelings can never be completely novel, so it’s guaranteed that somebody else will know my feeling.

????????????????? I thought about how much I appreciated this moment on the pier. I hadn’t made as much of an effort to come here recently. I thought about how this moment was the only one that I could be present in. Even if I sat on my bench, lost in memories of the past, I was thinking about them from that present moment. I glanced around to check if anyone else was at the top of the pier; they weren’t, it was just me. I decided to steal one of the waves, just for myself. I watched it form, crash, and dissipate out onto the shore. There was only ever me who would see that wave, nobody else was around to witness it. That wave can never be seen by anyone else, just as I can never see it again either. I closed my eyes and listened as more waves crashed to shore, and those waves would remain unseen by anyone. I thought about the times I have felt unseen, but I have not lived my whole life unseen like those waves.

????????????????? The waves come and go, just as we do; we have a limited amount of time to spend on this Earth. I thought about how the sea always leaves me with a sense of awe, and how I didn’t feel the same awe from the waves I had closed my eyes to. I noticed what I had been closing my eyes to over the past few months. All of my attention had been geared towards my anxieties and the pressure I felt to surpass “good enough” as much as humanly possible. I was so consumed by the struggle, that I had closed my eyes to the things that were good in my life. Just like the waves, they still existed, even if my eyes were closed. The ocean always gives me a sense of perspective, and the seascape is ever-changing, just like we are. I sat for a short while and captured a few photographs and videos. I looked out to the horizon and remembered that the deepest part of the ocean is more than 35,000 feet deep. No matter what, none of my problems will ever be that deep.

????????????????? With a sense of clarity, I stopped thinking and just looked at the sea, admiring the patterns, the rhythmic sounds, and the subtle aroma of seaweed. After a while, I made my way back to the car and turned on the engine. “I bloody hate mindfulness”, I thought, “Thank goodness that’s not something I do”.