Why I Have Stopped Following Your Posts on Facebook

Dear Friend,

I really enjoy the doorway into your life that Facebook provides me. Even though we may not have the opportunity to speak or see each other often (if at all), I appreciate discovering what’s happening in your world. I enjoy reading your posts, seeing your photos, clicking your links when a story interests me and participating in the spontaneity that social media offers.

But there’s something I need to tell you. It’s something that is really bothering me.

I recognize that you may not care that I am bothered, and that’s okay with me. But I feel compelled to share my thoughts just the same because I’m not sure you are aware of the effect some of your posts have had on me, and perhaps others.

You may have some strong opinions surrounding the issues of the day. You may be passionate about your faith. And you may have deeply held social and political positions that are guiding forces for how you live your life.

I think it’s essential that we all stand for something. Politically, I believe it’s important to know what you want in a candidate and that you take your civic responsibility seriously. I also believe it’s important to explore your spirituality and seek to develop that part of yourself. Of course, if you have no spiritual beliefs, I respect that as well. We all are free agents and get to make decisions for ourselves.

However, one time you made a post that communicated your political, social or religious opinion in such a way that you unwittingly told me I was stupid for not agreeing with you. Oh, it wasn’t directed at me because you probably don’t know how I feel about the issue. But whether you knew it or not, you were speaking to me by lumping me in with the group you were speaking against.

I try not to get offended and I chalk it up to your right to think, feel or believe however you want. But your polarizing post did make me groan just a little bit. I let it go. Who am I to tell others how they should or should not share on social media?

But then it happened again. And then again. And yet… again.

I try to avoid TV news and mainstream newspapers. Their focus on the worst of what is happening in the world is an unnecessary distraction that can become quite depressing. I don’t shelter myself from the harsh realities of the world, but I believe that my greatest contribution comes when I surround myself with optimistic people who are making a positive difference. Frankly, I believe there is WAY more good things happening in the world than there are bad. But you wouldn’t know it from listening to, reading or watching the news.

Because of your repeated highly opinionated posts focusing on your political, religious or social stance, I have unfollowed you on Facebook.

Oh, we still have the “friend” connection. But I no longer see anything you post. Not only does that apply to the rants which label me or anyone like me as “stupid” or “idiotic”, but it also means I miss out on the stuff I enjoy seeing from you. The photos, the interesting thoughts and the meaningful events of your life that you choose to share are no longer appearing on my feed.

That’s unfortunate.

When you use social media to make blanket statements with emotionally charged opinions, surely you realize that you are going to offend a lot of people. I know you recognize that not everyone thinks or feels the way you do. But perhaps you aren’t aware that those who think different than you are all over your friends’ list.

I, too, have some very definite positions on politics, social issues and matters of spirituality. And in the past, I have probably offended others by expressing them brashly. What I discovered is that my online (and offline) rants didn’t have any positive net effect on others. They just served to alienate people.

That led to a shift in how I approached people and our differences. I would no longer use my blog or newsletter to share these opinions. And now that we have social media which allows us to reach our entire friend list with one post, it’s easier than ever to “carpet bomb” our friends, family, associates and followers with our beliefs.

But just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD.

After all, aren’t people the most important thing?

Aren’t the relationships in our lives all we are really left with at the end of the day?

Certainly, I fully expect those who specialize in politics to share political messages. I’m not surprised to find someone representing a social movement to be sharing messages and news related to that movement. And if a spiritual leader isn’t talking about their spirituality in a public forum, perhaps there is something wrong.

I’m not saying there isn’t a place for discussing the critical topics of the day. There most certainly is.

But blasting an entire group of people via social media is not the same as having an open, honest and thoughtful discussion with others who are interested in having that discussion. As much as I admire the devotion of a group of people to enter into the “enemy” grounds and telling those opposed to them why they are terribly wrong to believe/support/think as they do, it’s obvious that such efforts have little effect, except to further polarize. I recently saw a video of this exact thing taking place, but I won’t actually name names because it in itself could be divisive. That would make this letter ironic!

I get it. There are times I see a story that infuriates me. It fills me with righteous indignation. And at that moment I feel like nothing is more important than for YOU to know how I feel about it!

But that’s just my emotion running away with me. It’s actually a loss of self-control and an attempt to prioritize how I feel about something above the fact that there are people I care about who see things quite differently. And I DO care about them.

So I bite my tongue, digitally speaking. And I work through my emotions with myself or with a friend or family member, rather than vent to the whole world. I’ve had countless posts that I have typed up only to hit the delete button instead of posting them. My post graveyard is packed with content that never saw the light of day because I realized a couple things.

First, it’s as I have been saying. Posting in that manner would serve to alienate others. I can’t think of a single good reason to do that.

And second, who really gives a rip what I think? It’s just my opinion. That’s all.

Now if you ASK me what I think privately, or in a setting where this kind of discussion is welcome, I’m happy to share my thoughts with you. But publicly for all to see on Facebook? There’s no point. My opinion isn’t that important. Neither is yours.

Here’s the thing, my friend. Most of us want the same thing. We just have different ways of trying to get there.

I really dislike that I have come to the place where I will no longer see your posts, but it’s a choice I have made for the good of our relationship. You see, if I continue to see you say hurtful things that I may decide that I no longer wish to be your friend at all.

However, by setting a boundary I can respect and value the relationship in spite of these hurtful things. It says “I care about you, but I won’t allow your harsh words and thoughts to attack me or the things I believe in. I will protect the relationship by choosing to not engage with your posts or allow them to stir negative emotions in me.”

As I said as I started, you may not care that I have unfollowed you. You may say “if he doesn’t agree with me than I don’t want him to follow me.” That’s totally cool with me. And you may continue doing exactly what you are doing.

But if reading this causes you to give pause to what you post on social media (and how you post it), then perhaps it was worth the read.

Again, I’ve been pretty flawed at this myself in the past. I think I’ve got a much better handle on it now. But there’s no guarantee I won’t offend someone indirectly. I just don’t want that to happen.

The beauty of free speech is we can say what we want. But others are also free to say “I choose not to listen to what you have to say.”

It’s my hope that we would each be thoughtful of what we post and cognizant of how our words may affect others who we actually care about.

In my TEDx Talk I referenced how new social media is, and that most of us have been introduced to it as adults. We didn’t have anyone to teach us how to use this thing.

The problem is that when you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If we can’t figure out how to really harness the power of social media in a way that reinforces the good in our world and prioritizes relationships above ideology, how can we expect our children to do so?

Let’s be the example we want to see in them. Let’s be responsible adults treating the tools we now have at our disposal with great respect. When we choose this path, we are making a statement that says “I value people more than my need to make my opinion known.”

I hope there will be no unfollowings in my future.

Yours very sincerely,

Joel