Why I Feel the Need to Thank Lou Grant and Mary Richards

When I heard that Ed Asner (always Lou Grant to me) passed away, I was surprised by the images that suddenly appeared in my brain. I always find it fascinating when memories that have been stored deep in your subconscious rise to the surface, seemingly out of nowhere. You can almost feel the cobwebs on them. Until they suddenly pop up in technicolor. In this case, the memory conjured up was of watching?The Mary Tyler Moore?show when I was a kid.?

I was a latchkey kid of the 70s. Which meant I wore bad polyester shorts, had a pet rock, ate bologna sandwiches and watched a steady stream of?The Three Stooges, Gilligan’s Island, and?The Brady Bunch?after school. Weekends were for watching more sophisticated fare. My family loved?Hawaii 5-0, Carol Burnett, The Bob Newhart Show?and?The Mary Tyler Moore?(MTM) show.?As a kid, I loved Ted Baxter. Come on, you could watch that show with the sound off and his animated expressions would have you snort laughing. As an older woman, I fell for Lou Grant.

While I didn’t know it at the time (let’s remember, I was in elementary school when?Mary Richards?joined my family each Saturday night), I appreciated later how revolutionary and breakthrough the show was. It wasn’t just that Mary Richards represented a brand of feminism I could understand.

It was that her relationship with Lou Grant seemed real and relatable. It looked like a worthy relationship to have with a man you worked with.

Looking back, I realize just how much Lou Grant positively informed my view of men in the workplace.?

At a time when men and women struggle to connect and communicate at work, we all can learn from Lou Grant’s dynamic with Mary Richards.

Lesson #1 (said by Lou Grant to Mary Richards after she pushes back on his job interview question…)

“You know what? You’ve got spunk! (wait for it…….) I hate spunk!”

Anybody who’s a diehard MTM fan knows this scene, which influenced my view on how men communicate. Mary initially thinks it’s a compliment and then he hits her with:?I hate spunk! Lou was straight up. No beating around the bush. Immediately after that, he says, “If I don’t like you, I’ll fire you. If you don’t like me, I’ll fire you.” There’s no going back to your cubicle wondering about how what was said could or should be interpreted. The lesson here: don’t overanalyze and appreciate when someone is telling it to you straight, a gift in our current world of communication subterfuge and double-talk.

Lesson #2 (said by Mary to Lou when she is waiting for her job interview)

“Do you have any idea when Mr. Grant will be back?”

“I?am Mr. Grant.”

“Oh great, you’re back!”

Many young women starting their career have asked me for advice on how to work with men. I’ve worked in male-dominated industries (beer, automotive, M&A), but admittedly the question initially struck me as odd. I wasn’t wondering how to work with guys when I started my first job; I was preoccupied learning how to walk in high heels after years in high tops.?But in our current environment, the landmines either sex can step on have increased in size and number. The lesson here from Mary and Lou:?you CAN have a laugh with your male boss or colleague and take the lead to show them it’s okay. Set the example that crude humor isn’t acceptable and show you can have good laughs over everyday things. Think Jerry Seinfeld. Think Mary and Lou.

Lesson #3 (said by Lou to Mary after her job interview)

“You can call me Lou.”

“Okay, Mr. Grant.”

More than any TV relationship, MTM showed what mutual respect between a male and female co-worker could look like. Not until Season 7 could Mary bring herself to call her boss Lou. Also consider that Mary comes in for a secretarial job and Lou gives her associate producer. He gives her a chance, even if he hates spunk. The show evolved their relationship respectfully; there was no hidden sexual tension or “will-they-or-won’t-they?” (remember?Moonlighting and Cheers?). Toward the end of the shows run, they have a date. The show premise doesn’t build toward this date, it's co-workers who suggest they are the perfect match. Mary bashfully asks for the date, to which Lou says,?“You want to go on a date? with me??You’re out of your mind!”

They give it a go, attempt an enormously awkward kiss, break into peels of laughter and end the night talking about the newsroom. The final lesson:?above all, a man and a woman at work can have such admiration for one another that their mutual respect and friendship can survive anything. Even a bad kiss.

What do these lessons from a ‘70s TV show, mean for us today? Whether you’re a man or woman, consider these lessons to guide how you engage with the opposite sex. Based on the advice I’m consistently asked, both men and women are struggling with how best to engage and communicate with each other at work. My fear is that this is diminishing conversations between men and women at work, at a time where more conversations need to be happening.?

I say, take these lessons to heart: Be straightforward and honest in your communication; lead with humor to engage and guide the conversation; consistently approach the other side with respect. These are worthy guiding principles for any work conversation. When in doubt, ask yourself: What would Lou and Mary do?