Why I Feared Conversations

As a child, I learned that conversations were a 1-sided affair: I listen, the talker commands. I was ignorant, the talker was omniscient. The quote from the film Matilda probably describes it best:

I'm smart, you're dumb. I'm big, you're little. I'm right, you're wrong. And there's nothing you can do about it!

Due to this foundation, I grew up believing that conversations were not a safe environment, where healthy dialogue occurs, but a time and moment where I'd get put in place. And woefully, this did carry with me as I aged, and started my career.

As I started my career, I completely feared conversations with people of higher titles. When you start working, having a fear of conversations with managers and leaders puts you at a disadvantage. I hated having 1:1s with my manager. I hated going to large meetings to discuss problems. I liked working on my own tasks that had defined steps. I essentially enjoyed being a human robot because it meant I did not have to participate in conversations.

However, I had a side of me where I loved helping others learn and grow. I loved training and teaching new co-workers and peers on how to do the job. I had a curiosity that loved finding new ways to fix problems, and then sharing it with the group. I loved helping people discover solutions to tough problems.

And so I ended up facing an internal paradox: How am I able to have meaningful conversations with individuals to help them learn and grow, but have this fear when I talk with my managers and leaders about my own path? Even in my early 30s, I can remember feeling cold-chills flowing down my spine when I received calendar invites for 1:1s with my manager. But I would love setting up 1:1 conversations with coworkers and peers to discuss projects and problems.

I discovered my past taught me to fear conversations with people I perceived as an authority figure. I saw them as cold, disapproving, and berating. I perceived those conversations were meant to be a verbal beating. I went into the conversation already with defenses on high alert and my flight mechanism on standby.

And I would say my breakthrough with fearing conversations came with the help of very kind, thoughtful, and intentional managers, leaders, and mentors who deliberately created environments where safe conversations could be held. What I learned from them was that they first invited me to feel safe so that I could openly discuss what I was struggling with. They led the conversation talking not by pointing out my failures and mistakes, but by asking questions that led me to realize my own mistakes. They wanted to help me become better - which is what I realized I was doing with my peers.

For myself, I now understand why I was so afraid of having conversations before. I never felt safe enough to share my thoughts. And with the help of great people, I have been able to reshape my perception, and know how to identify when the conversation is built upon a safe environment.

And as I've learned the importance of building a safe environment for conversations, I hope that when we're in a conversation, I build that safe environment for you as well. And if you are in a position of leadership, or the organizer of the next meeting, I encourage you to build that safe environment for the conversation.