Why I don't want a new headshot

I need a new headshot.

But I don’t want one.?

Which is odd, considering I own and operate a photography studio that specializes in headshots.

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You see, I was raised during the fat phobic 80s and 90s, and like so many other GenX women hitting middle age, I’ve changed.? My face looks different than it did 4 years ago when my last headshot was taken—it’s fuller, rounder, and I’m growing out my grey hairs.? I’m attempting to lean hard into radical self-acceptance, but since I was not programed that way, it’s a rather difficult task.? Especially as a woman trying to exist in a society that inundates us with biased marketing messages saying we’re only considered successful or valuable if we are perceived by others as younger, thinner, or more attractive.? I encounter these messages every day that say, “you’re not pretty enough as you are right now, so buy this thing we’re selling to fix it.”

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My last headshot was taken in early 2020, before the pandemic lockdown.?

I didn’t want a new headshot then, either.

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2020 (current LinkedIn headshot):

I had a difficult time letting go of my 2015 headshot, because it represented who I was before.

2015:

Before a car accident in 2016, the resulting severe concussion, and before the crippling PTSD.

Before the depression, and the weight gain.

Before I had to quit my job in sales, where I’d worked so hard to achieve such great success, but could no longer execute because of the unfortunate head injury that affected my concentration, memory, and language skills.

Before my confidence was shattered, and I walked away from everything I had built over the previous 10 years, because healing my mind, body, and soul became the most important thing I had to do.

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So much of our identity is tied to our perception of how we look, or how we used to look.

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Whenever I see my 2020 headshot, I think “I don’t recognize her.”? I’ll often delete it from the signature in my email messages before sending.? It feels like a lie.? Like a catfish.? Like that cliché of a realtor still using their headshot from 20 years ago.? I worry that if people see that image, then meet me in person they’ll think “what a fraud.”? I look at the headshot taken February 2020 and ponder, “that was a different woman, who hadn’t yet experienced trying to grow a small business during a pandemic, the loss of family members, runaway inflation, menopause.”? ?But more importantly, it can’t be good for my mental health, deleting my own image like that, over and over and over again.

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I don’t want a new headshot.? But I know that I need one.

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Because what if I looked at an image of myself and smiled, feeling good about the person who has accomplished insurmountable feats in the last 4 years.? What if I honored the hard work it took to overcome all those challenges.? What if I admired how I clawed my way out of depression, and how I started over from scratch in a completely new industry.? What if I looked at my own image and recognized the transformation as beautiful—like a phoenix rising from the ashes of a previous career burnt to cinders by unforeseeable circumstances.? What if I saw myself and felt pride at my accomplishments, instead of shame over my double chin??

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Although I desperately did not want to get in front of the camera, and with my insecurities screaming, I recently went through with the photo shoot.? Truth be told, it was a blast.? Our team at Fenix Fotography held my hand, and my heart, with such gentle care.?

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Photographer, Aleigha Tucker, and our new Director of Ops and Business Development, Marina Velo, encouraged me to be brave, and my sweet husband, Ryan Sumner, took the photos.? He coached me on posture and facial expressions to capture genuine, flattering, and authentic images of the person who I am now.? I look at my new headshot and feel confidence, acceptance, and a deeper love for the woman who is still working to overcome the hardships experienced these last few years.

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To see the behind the scenes and the final images, click here: https://fenixfoto.com/why-i-dont-want-a-new-headshot/

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If you, too, have been avoiding getting a new headshot, I understand.? I won’t list all the reasons you should; there are plenty of articles on this platform that will tell you why it’s important.? But if my story has inspired courage, and you’d like to book a session, you can do so at www.fenixfoto.com.? If you’re not quite there yet, but would like to learn more before taking the leap of faith, you can book a free consultation with our Director of Hand and Heart Holding, Marina Velo, at [email protected].?