Why I chose to get up, rather than give up

I have had many moments when I've wondered why I'm on this earth, but I'm starting to realise why. My life journey so far may have been one hell of a rollercoaster, but it's only made me stronger and better equipped to deal with anything that life throws at me, and I know my story will help anyone else who has experienced knock back after knock back to get up, rather than give up.

According to my parents, having been born 6 weeks early and only weighing around 3 pounds in weight, my dad was told by a Consultant on the day I was born that due to complications, they would do their best to save my mum, but there was no hope for me. 46 years on and I'm still going (just about).

If you've ever seen the Movie Final Destination, I think that sums up my life so far. However, despite lots of trauma, poor mental health and ill health, I'm still going strong and don't intend to be going anywhere anytime soon.

Despite being small, I grew up relatively normal, with no major illnesses and I became a keen swimmer for the whole of my childhood. I was a Champion at 100m breast stroke and held the Welsh record for under 14s for several years.

I didn't enjoy school very much, because I was different. I had red curly hair and had looks similar to Annie. I was always swimming and wasn't really interested in hanging out in parks etc. I was picked on a lot, which affected my confidence.

At the age of 12 I developed a knee injury and couldn't bend my knee for 9 months. Eventually I had an operation, but the first one didn't fix the problem and a few months later the problem resurfaced and I had to undergo more surgery. I missed a lot of school, got called peg leg all the time and I was placed in the lower sets for my GCSEs.

As a result, I only got 5 GCSEs grade C and above on my first attempt at them. I remember how disappointed my parents were. My mum wanted me to do as well, if not better, than her friends' daughter, who went to a private school. She did far better than me and my mum was so upset with me.

I was brought up to believe you were only ever any good if you went to University and got a well paid job. Anything less than this would mean that I had failed.

I left school at the age of 16 and went to a college where my mum taught and I re-sat my GCSEs in one year and then did my A levels in a year. I turned things around, got top grades and was awarded student of the year for my achievements.

I'd never had an A at anything before in my life, so because I got an A in law, I went on to University to study Law and Sociology. I had to leave my swimming behind, because I was told there was no future in this and if I wanted nice things I'd have to get a Saturday job to pay for them. This was very hard for me, because it had been my life for the whole of my childhood.

We had our last family holiday together when I was 18 and went to Turkey. Four days into the holiday I got stung by a Scorpian and spent the rest of the holiday in hospital. It was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. My dad said it must have tried to mate with me, because my star sign is Scorpio.

It was around this time that I started to get crippling migraines. They would last up to 3 days and nothing would get rid of them. This made studying really difficult sometimes, but I somehow managed to get my degree.

When I was 22 years old the migraines were so bad that I collapsed one day and had an MRI scan, which revealed I had suffered a mini stroke. I was put on blood thinners and other drugs and was told that it would be highly unlikely that I would be able to have children. At that age I wasn't really that bothered about this, so I threw myself into my career as a Lawyer, working long hours and achieving great results.

I got married at the age of 26 to my first husband, but I was very naive. I moved from my native Wales over to Bristol, not knowing anyone when I moved there. When we bought our first house, my ex-husband drew a circle on a map, with a radius of where we could live, because it had to be within a 12 minute walk of his local pub. How stupid was I? Of course, he was there nearly every night. I was always made to feel like I wasn't good enough for him. If we were going for a night out, he'd tell me earlier in the day not to ask him if I looked nice, because he'd have to lie to me. He also regularly compared me to his sister, who was the same age as me. A few days after she had her first child, he told me that his sister had a better figure than me and she'd only just given birth.

One day, I'd just had enough and realised that I didn't love him anymore. It took me almost a year to leave, because he made it so difficult, but eventually he accepted it. The hardest part in leaving was leaving my two cats behind. I stayed single for a few years and carried on working very hard. I stayed single for a few years and carried on working very hard.

Having always been a keen fitness fanatic, when I was 32, I decided to do my PADI diving qualification. It was during the theory part that I realised that a lot of divers experienced similar symptoms to me with the migraines, but it was actually caused by a hole in the heart. I mentioned this to my GP and he arranged for me to see a Consultant in Bristol, who specialised in holes in the heart. Within weeks I was having tests, which discovered I had a large hole in my heart, which had been there since birth and was likely to be the cause of my migraines and mini stroke. I underwent heart surgery to have the hole closed and now have a device in my heart, which fixed the problem.

Amazingly a few months later I was able to come off all the mediation I was on. I had started a relationship with someone else by this time and fell pregnant about 9 months after having the surgery.

When I was younger I had an image of the daughter that I'd love to have one day. I used to have a black and white poster in my bedroom of a young, blond, curly haired girl next to a Volkswagen beetle. I recently found this image and she is the spitting image of my daughter. I feel she was my little miracle and we are so close.

Once Martha was born my priorities around work had changed. I was still ambitious, but I didn't want to be that mum who was never at the school gates. I made a request to work flexible hours, which was agreed. For a couple of years this worked really well.

Unfortunately my relationship with Martha's dad came to an end when she was 2 years old and I found myself having to claim benefits just to keep a roof over my head. This disgusted my dad. I was made to feel like I'd failed and had brought shame on them. I still continued to work and proved that I was a good mum and good at my career too.

I worked in a male dominated environment and I really clashed with one of my colleagues. He was often rude and being from a different culture to me, he would often comment that he wouldn't let his own wife work after having children because her role was to look after the children and the house. He made it obvious on many occasions that he didn't approve of me being a single mum and also working. If he ever needed a second opinion on an area of law he would even ask the trainees over me and told me that he didn't rate me as a Lawyer.

By the time Martha reached school age, this colleague was promoted to my Line Manager. I knew he was going to make things difficult for me and I wasn't wrong. After having my scheduled day off on a Wednesday I would return to work on a Thursday to have 2 days of work waiting for me, up to 80 emails to process and I would be expected to take on new cases to reach my targets. The only way to do this was to stay at work until 11pm on a Thursday and Friday night, come in most weekends and work through my breaks. I was working up to 80 hours a week just to keep up.

It wasn't long before I started to make mistakes. I hadn't realised that I was burnt out at that stage, but I stopped doing everything I loved, because I felt I just didn't have time. I started to hate my job and my life. I would make excuses not to get together with friends, because I was so exhausted. I hardly ever saw my partner, or my daughter and I was so miserable.

I started to get burning feelings in my feet, which felt like I had put my feet in a bunch of stinging nettles and my hands would claw inwards, accompanied by an intense crushing feeling and then complete paralysis for up to several hours at a time.

One by one my Line Manager took my responsibilities off me, leaving me with low self-esteem. One day I sent an email to the wrong person and although there was nothing confidential attached to the email, I was suspended and reported to my professional body while an investigation took place. I was given a final written warning and told by my Line Manager that 'one thing I needed to remember in this job is that we're robots, not humans and mistakes cannot be made'.

I believed this at the time and later that day I had my first panic attack. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. My breathing was so heavy, I had a pain in my chest and down my left arm, and I couldn't stop shaking. Once it had passed I felt absolutely exhausted. This was the first of many panic attacks, but I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't understand it and thought that people would think I was weird.

I would come home from work crying and be sick most days before I went to work. My sleep was affected and my weekends ruined, because I'd either be in work, or worrying about the following week at work.

This got at its worst in May 2013 when I had a very bad attack and was blue lighted to hospital. After numerous tests, I was told that I'd had a breakdown. I spent the next 3 weeks in bed and when I was strong enough I made a request to do a secondment in a different part of the legal department. This was accepted for up to 6 months and I really enjoyed it, because I got to finish work on time and I really liked the Line Manager.

My other Line Manager still worked on the same floor as me and continued to make things difficult for me. In private, he would tell me that my days were numbered, but in public he would act like he cared and wanted to help me. We had a policy at work where we had to lock all documents away at the end of the day and put the key in a safe. I came into work one morning to find the key still in my desk lock. I received an email telling me that due to my negligence, if this happened again I would be invited to a disciplinary hearing. I knew I'd locked my key away the night before, but you start questioning yourself. A few days later, I asked someone in my new team to video me locking the key in the safe. The only other person left in the office that night was my Line Manager. The following day my key was back in my desk lock. I was invited to attend a disciplinary hearing and I produced the evidence. I also submitted a formal grievance and my Line Manager was made to go on a management training course, but I was told with counselling we would be able to work together again.

I knew I couldn't carry on working with him, so I left my job of 14 years and got a job local to home, with a huge reduction of salary. It really didn't matter anymore. I needed to find myself again and rebuild all the relationships I had damaged.

I started to practice mindfulness and fell in love with it, so started to study it and gained a qualification in it. My confidence and self-esteem started to return and I even trained as a spin instructor, which I still teach now. I found my love for fitness again and became fitter than I had been in years. I never thought I'd be able to be at the front of the studio, with a mic pack on instructing a group of 20 riders, but I got such a buzz from it and I've met some of my closest friends there.

After a couple of years I was head hunted for a job back in the centre of Bristol, working for a big company. I had always wanted to work for this company and knew it could be my dream job, but I wasn't sure if I could be so close to my old office. I decided to attend the interview and as I got into the city centre, I could feel the panic attack coming on. I had tears streaming down my face and almost crashed my car into a bunch of people. I was early for the interview and somehow managed to compose myself. I was offered the job, but decided not to accept it, because I just didn't feel ready and I did like the job I had.

A few months later I was approached by the company again asking me if I had reconsidered. This time I was in a better place, practiced meditation daily, so accepted the job.

The first few months were great and I won employee of the quarter. This helped raise my self-esteem even more. In order to help me with my anxiety I would cycle to work everyday and I loved my morning routine. I consider myself to have been an experienced cyclist and took part in many triathlons and big rides for charity.

On 23 January 2017, I was close to the office when my bike hit a wet patch in the road and I was flung over the handlebars, landing on my head, cracking my helmet and I think the handle bars penetrated into my leg, leaving me with the biggest bruise I have ever seen. I couldn't walk for 2 weeks.

The accident hadn't put me off riding, but when I felt recovered I decided that I'd only ride in if it was dry. On the 21 February 2017 I looked out the window that morning and saw that it was dry, so I proceeded to cycle to work. As I got to the road where I had had my previous accident, I remember checking my helmet to make sure it was secure and I deliberately slowed down. I could see that the big puddle, which I had to cycle through to join the cycle path was still there. The next thing I remember is coming around in an ambulance some time later. I couldn't feel much pain in my face at the time, but my right middle finger was so painful, so I thought maybe I'd broken my finger.

I underwent several scans and by this time my husband had arrived. The look on his face when he saw me was horrific. I still hadn't seen my face, so had no idea what the fuss was about. I was in and out of consciousness and I remember the Consultant telling me that he had good news and bad news. The good news was that I hadn't broken my finger (although I found out 4 months later that I had broken it in 3 places), but the bad news was that I had broken all the bones around my left orbital area, my cheek was shattered, I'd fractured my jaw, had a small fracture at the base of my skull and there was a possibility that I would lose my left eye. Wow, this was shocking. I still hadn't seen my face in the mirror by this point.

I was told that I'd require major facial reconstructive surgery, but it couldn't be performed for another 2 weeks, because there was too much swelling and I was too unwell. Over the next week, further tests revealed that I was left deaf in my left ear also. Thankfully, I now have my hearing back, but for over year I had limited hearing.

The surgery took place on 6 March 2017. I came around to find a tube stuck in my head, which was placed there as a drain and numerous tubes and wires everywhere. My daughter wasn't allowed to visit me in hospital, because we didn't think it would be good for her to see me in this state. Two days after the surgery I was given a baby shampoo and told to try washing my hair. I still had over 60 stitches and staples around my hairline, where I had a cut ear to ear and going back to the middle of my head. I remember sitting in the wet room, sobbing my heart out. It looked like a scene from the film Carrie.

My recovery was long and slow. I guess I had my first experience of lockdown then, because I was unable to do anything for 4 months. I was very sick from the medication and was in and out of hospital. I was only able to drink smoothies and eat soup from a straw, because I couldn't open my mouth wide enough to get food in, never mind be able to chew it. I lost over a stone in weight in 3 weeks and felt so ill.

Once I started to feel strong enough, I decided to teach myself how to play the guitar through Youtube and my daughter learnt with me. I don't think I would have done this had I not had my accident.

My relationship with my husband started to suffer again, because I was unable to be a 'proper' wife to him and felt that he had turned into my carer over night. He started to spend more and more time away from home and it wasn't long before I discovered that he'd fallen for someone else who had been there for him while I was so unwell. This almost destroyed me. Those feelings of being a failure, useless, worthless and not good enough all came back to the surface. I thought that my daughter would be better off without me, because I wouldn't be able to support her on my own. One night I walked the short distance from my house to the small beach at the end of the marina and sat on the rocks. The tide washed right over me up to my neck. I was completely numb. At that moment I honestly didn't care what happened to me. I could hear my husband's voice in the distance, but just sat there cold, wet and muddy. He must have called the Coast Guard, who got me back to safety.

I came up with an excuse that I had got very drunk and needed some fresh air, which they appeared to believe.

The following day I woke up feeling completely different. I didn't want to feel like this anymore and wanted more from my life. I got back into my mindfulness and meditations and contacted Mind Bristol for support. I told the person on the phone everything and she made me realise that I was just having a tough time and I'd get through it. She didn't judge me at all and told me that I was good enough and loved. I have since become a Campaigner for Mind UK.

I went on to become a Time to Change Champion and regularly talked about my mental health, including the panic attacks, dark days and my attempt on my life. I knew that by talking about it I was helping others.

I did return to work after about 6 months, but I still had some memory loss, I was still deaf in my left ear and really struggled to perform to my previous level. This wasn't good enough for my employers and it was clear that my career was over. I was signed off work with stress and felt totally alienated during this time, whereas during my time off with obvious physical injuries I was contacted regularly and felt supported.

During my recovery, I had started to plan what I really wanted from my life. I didn't enjoy being a Lawyer anymore and my time with Time to Change made me want to work in mental health. I left my career, re-qualified as an NLP Practitioner, completed my masters in mindfulness, did various courses on suicide awareness and prevention and qualified as a Life Coach and Nutrition Consultant.

I started to set myself big goals. One of the issues I still had was not being able to get back on a bike since my accident, so in August 2018 I signed up for my first half iron man competition, which involved riding a bike for 56 miles. Once I achieved this, I knew I could achieve anything that I wanted.

I spend most of my time giving inspirational talks for businesses, networking meetings and schools with the aim to end the stigma and discrimination around mental health. I believe that mental health should be treated the same as physical health. If you can't come to work because you're not feeling quite right, because you're feeling low, this shouldn't be treated any differently to being off with a sore throat.

I was now thriving and the happiest I'd ever been. My relationship with my husband was good and I was excited about my future. However, in July 2019 I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I was off to France on the same day as I was diagnosed, but I was determined to not let this ruin our holiday and have a great time, which we did. The week I returned, I had a total abdominal hysterectomy, followed by a course of brachotherapy 6 weeks later. I was back instructing spin 5 weeks after my surgery. I stayed positive throughout. My mindset had completely changed. I wasn't going to let this beat me. I've not quit yet and have so much more to do with my life.

A year on and I've been given the all clear. My business is doing well, despite lockdown and I find positives in every single day. I've become a warrior instead of a worrier. I have put the past behind me and I surround myself with positive people, which makes such a difference. The things I've been through have only sought to make me stronger and who I am today - a great mum, a great wife and great friend.

I now know why I have been put on this earth. My journey is only just beginning.