Why I care so much.

Occasionally, I go through my Gmail and delete messages from my Inbox. On the day of writing this, it is the fourth anniversary of my son’s funeral. His name is Ben Gray.

I came across the email thread between myself and the Celebrant that was allocated to me by the Funeral Director. This lived experience started my journey into Celebrancy, and here is why.

The first email I received from him had the ceremony attached. I opened it to find that he had copied and pasted what I had sent him into an old ceremony. He hadn’t edited it. He spelt my name wrong – it is Isabel, not Isobel, and he had spelt Ben’s surname wrong. It is Gray, not Gray. Somehow, he had changed Ben’s father’s name from Doug to Dylan. This one sentence sent me into a panic attack and literally floored me. ” And if you wish to make a donation in Kenny’s memory…”

Once I composed myself, I emailed the Celebrant, pointing out his errors. I fully expected this to be resolved there and then, but no, it just went on and on and on. I felt like I was fire-fighting.

This was the Celebrant’s response. “Hi Isobel, I'm really sorry about the name mistakes. I confess I often cut and paste the thanks section and alter as appropriate. I clearly didn't check this as thoroughly as I had hoped.” Clearly, he hadn’t taken on board the correct spelling of my name.

Later that day I received another email. “Here's the updated service as promised. I've been working on my phone between appointments.” I opened the attachment and to my horror, he hadn’t changed the spelling of Ben’s surname or my name.

I contacted him again, saying that maybe I was just being picky, but these are the correct spellings. This was his response: “Isabel, you're not being picky. You're helping me get it right. I will make the change WHEN I get home later on.”

The final straw was this: “Here's the updated service. I work in Google Docs and convert to Word to send it you. I have updated the name of the file, but it has reverted to the incorrect spelling of Gray in the title, which is beyond me.” I remember thinking, “Gray is the correct spelling, you moron.” The email went on to say, “I changed it in the document itself as well. If fo some reason it hasn't made the change, let me know and I'll try sending it again. Apologies for any errors. My phone is playing up and keeps dropping words in capital letters. I think I've caught them all before sending to you this time. (Sigh. Gotta love technology!)”

It became clear then that Ben’s ceremony meant so little to him that he couldn’t even sit down at a computer and write a bespoke ceremony. My heart was already broken, and this just added to the stress I was experiencing. My son had died, and this man didn't care enough to honour his memory.

What I had written and sent to the Celebrant wasn't meant as a Eulogy. It was my brain dump of my memories of Ben and the stories I and his nearest and dearest wanted to share, but he didn’t edit it to make it read well. It was copied and pasted into an existing document. A sensitive edit would have brought the stories to life, and it would read better. What I had written was heartfelt, but every paragraph and almost every sentence begins with Ben. I cringe when I read it out loud!

On the day of the funeral, the Celebrant delivered the ceremony beautifully; he was a good speaker. But this was the only time we saw him. He didn’t check in with us before or after the Ceremony. He appeared and then disappeared.

Getting the little things correct is vital in any Ceremony, especially for a funeral. It was clear that this Celebrant had taken on too much work and was rushing through everything just to get it done, and that hurt. When you are grieving, you need to be supported, heard and respected. If you are too busy to take on a ceremony, then say so. I always do.

When I became a Celebrant, I made a promise to myself, to Ben and to all of my clients. I will never copy and paste. And I never do. Every ceremony begins with a blank page, and I am in my office working, not out and about using my phone. On the day of a ceremony, I am there early, and I stay for as long as I am needed.

Funeral Directors are the gatekeepers of funerals. The Celebrant is allocated to you, and you feel that this is your only option. It is not. Had I known then that I could have asked for a different Celebrant, I would have, but the Funeral Director didn’t say that there were other Celebrants that we could have chosen. This year, the families have chosen me to officiate their loved one’s services, and that is how I like it.

The hurt caused by the insensitivity of this man is still there, but what didn’t occur to me then was that he didn’t take responsibility. There was always an excuse. Worse than that, his behaviour didn’t change – he made the same errors over and over again. Reading over these emails has reminded me why I became a celebrant and what drives me to be authentic and never compromise on my integrity. For the moments that matter, you can rely on me.