WHY I BECAME A CHILD ADVOCATE

National Child Abuse Help Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD

*CAUTION: This article contains information & images that may be sensitive or triggering for some readers.*

Walker and Texas Ranger being admonished 
by their grandmother in Talladega Nights (2006)

WHY I BECAME A CHILD ADVOCATE

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." – Fredrick Douglass

Young Texas Ranger inquired about the paternal grandfather he’d only just met, “Someone didn’t love you enough when you were little, did they?” 

“Good call,” his grandfather responded, handing Texas Ranger an empty beer can. “Here,” he said, “it’s worth a nickel.”

The people who know me best know about my deep appreciation for anything Will Ferrell creates. To me, he’s a comedic genius who artfully cloaks critiques of society and life lessons for popular eyes and ears. Ferrell uses jokes and wit that make me laugh from the pit of my stomach, but he’s usually touching on an important issue. In Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, the main character survives a crash that nearly ends his life, but the race car driver develops an extremely inconvenient fear of driving. Raised by his estranged single mother, Ricky Bobby’s high-profile career and a few choice phrases he heard in second grade stood in for the father he didn’t have, resulting in an entitled, materialistic man-child. Yet, when his newfound driving phobia ruins his career, Bobby’s entire life quickly devolves, leading him straight for mental breakdown. The father that abandoned him at a young age and watched his career from the sidelines steps in to help Ricky Bobby conquer his fear. 

Talladega Nights is a comedic rendition of how a child carries past wounds far into adulthood. In reality, though, the wounds caused by child abuse and neglect are no laughing matter. About 6.6 million children in the U.S. experience abuse every year that someone reports to the authorities. Take a moment to count down from ten to one: someone in the U.S. just reported another case of child abuse. The number of children found suffering maltreatment after investigation in 2014 alone could completely fill ten football stadiums. I bet that doesn’t cross your mind while you watch Sunday night football. Whether or not it’s reported, people who face abuse during childhood and do not seek help via therapy or rehabilitation will likely suffer from its effects for the rest of their lives, assuming they live through it. Every single day in the U.S., between four and seven children die at the hands of an abusive caregiver. According to statistics from Health and Human Services, more than 1,700 children lost their lives in 2017 because of abuse. Over 70% of these little ones were just three years old or younger. And from 2013 to 2017, the rate of abuse-related child fatalities increased by 11% (that’s only four years!). When you learn the numbers, the reality of child abuse isn’t so funny, is it?

Child abuse might be one of those topics no one wants to think about, much less discuss over brunch. But I think that’s exactly what we need to do: Discuss our problems over and over again as we find and implement solutions until they’re solved. Our country– these United States of America– has one of the worst records in the world of wealthy nations. Abused children don’t get to escape their circumstances, and the least we can do is increase our awareness about what’s going on. The least we can do is help them in any way we possibly can. I believe that child abuse is a problem of epidemic proportions in our society, and our world. And I know I’m not alone in thinking this way, especially given that about 1 in 5 children in the U.S. suffers from a psychological disorder today. I also believe we’re doing very little to address it, but this is something that absolutely needs to change. And not tomorrow– child abuse has to change today. My interest in ending child abuse is why I became a child advocate.

Broken Kids Become Broken Adults

Photo of Maya Angelou,
taken by Chester Higgins, Jr.

Dr. Maya Angelou's tender words and confident delivery are just some of the reasons her work will continue to influence generations long after her death. As a child, though, Angelou didn’t speak for nearly five years after being sexually assaulted by a family friend at just eight years old. She chose to stop speaking when her attacker was murdered immediately after his release from a one-day prison sentence for her assault. “I killed that man because I told his name,” Angelou once said during an interview. “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Like many victims of abuse, Angelou found some way to blame herself for her experience, and the resulting blame and shame kept her in silence for years. No matter the type of abuse, children seem to always blame themselves for something another person did to them.

Maya Angelou overcame the trauma associated with her experience, but everyone isn’t always so resilient. You know how people joke about going to see a shrink by saying something like, "I don't want to go to therapy and be asked to explain whether or not I got enough toys as a kid," or something along those lines? Well, based on life experience and lots of research, I wholeheartedly believe that each and every one of the issues we face as adults took root during our childhood. One of the reasons we might not realize this– the connection between childhood trauma and issues in adulthood– is that we don’t fully understand exactly what abuse is. I’ve spent most of my adult years studying people, politics, history, and culture, and it eventually became very evident to me that when we don’t get all that we need as children, we end up as child-like adults. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen adult humans whose emotions devolve into a three-year-old-sized temper tantrum the moment they don’t get their way. They've officially been triggered! In the supermarket, if someone cuts them off on the road, if a child or animal annoys them– it doesn’t matter where or why. When you begin to see it and if you actually pay attention, it may turn your stomach. As part of the proverbial “village,” it is our responsibility to ensure that little humans are raised as whole people and to be there for all of their needs when we become parents. Over time, we should slowly and steadily teach kids to be there for themselves– to become self-sufficient and independent. When we fail to parent in this manner, we risk becoming abusers. It’s just the truth.

What Constitutes “Child Abuse?”

Child abuse refers to child maltreatment or inaction that results in physical, mental, or emotional harm to a minor, or an older individual with special needs. This effects 1 in 7 children today. There are four main types of abuse: 

1. Neglect, or a caretaker’s failure to provide adequate care for a child, including food, shelter, season-appropriate clothing, medical care, and supervision.
2. Physical abuse, which involves assault due to corporal punishment and may result in anything from bruises and scratches to welts and broken bones. 
3. Emotional or mental abuse, involving a caretaker’s statements and actions used to injure and manipulate a child’s self-esteem, which includes name-calling, cursing at, belittling, or insulting a minor. 
4. Sexual abuse, which means exposing a child to or failing to protect a child from inappropriate sexual content, behavior, or contact. The perpetrator does not have to be an adult and is most often a person the child knows. Even conservative statistics say sexual abuse happens to 1 in 4 young girls and 1 in 6 young boys.

Abuse in the form of neglect and physical and sexual violation are the types most often reported to authorities. Logically, they are the easiest types of abuse to notice and prove, but that’s part of the issue. Emotional and mental abuse cannot be overlooked, and we have concrete evidence that multiple types of abuse often happen all at once. Think about the child who is sexually abused in their home and then mentally and emotionally attacked so they feel too afraid to tell anyone what they’re experiencing. The psychological scars of abuse cannot just be disregarded as part of an assumed “less-than-perfect” parenting style or an individual’s overall “difficult” personality. If something looks and feels like it’s wrong, don’t ignore your gut– you could be staring at an abuser.

Dani at the Centennial Olympic 
Park Playground in Atlanta,
Fall 2009

As a child myself, I believe I dealt with a family of narcissists. The term “narcissist” may feel a bit odd because of its use in the popular lexicon. A narcissistic parenting style and encounters with narcissistic people, though, go way beyond extreme vanity or an overvaluation of self. Living with a narcissistic parent, sibling, partner, or another person you care about often results in feelings of loneliness, always feeling misunderstood, internal pain, anxiety, and depression. Author and clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula says, “Remember: Being a narcissist is terrible for being a parent." Dr. Ramani describes her work as part of “a mission to demystify and dismantle the toxic influence of narcissism on all of our lives.” Narcissistic people prefer to use manipulation and gaslighting as techniques for getting their way with others, and they eventually condition their loved ones– or even employees– to autonomously do their bidding. Some refer to narcissists and people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as incapable of empathy and even love, even for their children. 

*CAUTION: Sensitive material ahead!*

Internally, a narcissist has a fragile self-esteem that will deflect any hint of criticism. Nonetheless, narcissists wear a mask of over-inflated confidence, entitlement, and dissatisfaction– no matter where they are or who they’re with. I’ve found that they’re constantly displeased with others because they feel that same way about themselves. They don’t ask you about your day. They won’t listen to how your work presentation went last week. They don’t really care that much to hear about you, unless you’re praising them, of course, or they can find a way to take credit. Here’s an example that easily applies to life with a narcissist or other toxic person at home, school, or at work: Do you know someone who always makes rude or cruel jokes about others for no reason at all? It may feel as if they never have anything nice or positive to say, and they will even turn on you if you defend another person or take offense to what they said. Do they attack you just for standing up for yourself or defending others? If so, you could be dealing with a narcissist.

Because they don’t want anyone to comment on their parenting habits (or their lives in general), narcissists will often isolate their kids from family, friends, and others in the community. I’m almost sure it’s the same for most toxic people, not just narcissists. These could be the children who always miss school events, birthday parties, and other functions just to stay at home or do things the parent wants them to do instead. A parent who is struggling and just can’t afford birthday gifts for a classmate is one thing. Emotional and psychological abuse carried out by a narcissistic or toxic parent, however, is totally different. When kids of narcissists are around other people, they’ve specifically been conditioned to keep secrets and protect the family’s reputation, or else they risk being bad-mouthed to anyone who will listen, harshly punished in private, or even disowned. One mean glance can be all it takes for a toxic parent to let a child know what will happen to them later. 

As parents, narcissists take care of their children because failing to do so will make them look bad, not because they want the very best for their kids. This means they will often do the bare minimum. Sometimes, a toxic parent will even encourage their own child’s “failure to launch.” This is because the children of toxic people learn to trust fear and the opinions of others before trusting themselves, usually because of constant, nagging criticism. Or because these parents force their kids to be dependent by over-sheltering them (not just protecting) and attempting to do everything for them. Arguments, behavioral issues, or disruptions from their children interrupt the narcissist’s life and their plans; there is little to no concern for the child’s actual needs and growth. Any issues the child displays or must work through are the fault of the child, never the parent. This includes difficulty learning concepts in school, disciplinary issues, the condition of the home, and even finances, if you can believe it. These kids are literally expected to carry the weight of the world from an early age. Just imagine how a child who has dealt with sexual abuse might feel when they consider telling their narcissistic parent about what's going on, or if the parent is the one doing it. They do not hold themselves accountable; they do not take responsibility for their actions (especially if they bring about problematic results); and they compare everything someone else tells them to their own past experiences as a barometer of importance or significance. Their constant avoidance of the truth means narcissists cannot and do not make the necessary changes in their life to raise their kids in a better way.

A Postcard of the Lynching of
Lige Daniels in Center, Texas
in August of 1920. Men and young
boys pose for a photo beneath
his desecrated body. 

From Without Sanctuary,
Photographs and Postcards of Lynching in America

I feel that I must include this disclaimer here: I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, nor am I any type of academic or medical expert on childhood development. I am a former child, though, and I’ve spent a good amount of time with children and youth in my adult years. I suppose that once I realized I myself had been mistreated as a kid, I felt compelled to get involved and do what I could to ameliorate this devastating issue. As an adult, I realized I was strapped with guilt, blame, and anxiety, and eventually came to terms with the fact that it all started during childhood. Because of this insight, I feel the need to add a bit more to the definition of child abuse that I provided earlier. In addition to the earlier definition, to me, child abuse also includes exposure to any “adverse childhood experience” (ACE) from which a child is not protected, informed, or guided through the difficulties associated with the experience. Failure to protect, inform, or guide a child through these difficult experiences often results in abuse and neglect. Examples of adverse childhood experiences include:

• domestic violence in the home
• a parent with an untreated mental health condition
• drug abuse or alcoholism
• xenophobia, or the fear of and prejudice toward a group based on difference
• separation or divorce
• Incarceration of a loved one

I included the 1920 postcard of the lynching of Mr. Lige Daniels here (yes, people actually mailed these terrible items back and forth to family and friends, with cheerful notes) because this is the epitome of an “adverse childhood experience.” It clearly fits into my extended definition of abuse, especially considering the disturbing glares on the men’s faces as they stand beneath someone they literally tortured and hung. To me, to experience lynching in the past was an encounter that could paint certain peoples in such a dehumanizing light for any child. Seeing such brutality could easily lead kids who were there or knew that it happened to become violent, rageful, abusive people– to themselves and to others. For the Black, Latino, and even white immigrant men, women, and children (remember Emmett Till?) who were terrorized with the threat of lynching, this evil culture certainly had a terrifying impact on their entire lives. Sometimes making too much money or having too successful a business was enough for a white mob to make you their next target. 

Dani and Attorney James Payne 
of Beaumont, TX discussing his 
experiences growing up during 
the Civil Rights Movement 
in Southeast Texas, Summer 2016

I also included the image because I’ve heard many older folks begin a statement of criticism about younger generations with “back in my day” without considering the actual realities of “their day.” Until about the 1960s, these types of lynchings– including the part when men, women, and children were snatched out of bed in the middle of the night to be beaten, raped, tortured, and murdered– were not uncommon. This was obviously a form of abuse for all Black people (no matter their age, and especially in the South) who didn’t want to step off the sidewalk and into the muddy street for a white person, or who simply looked a white woman directly in her eyes. I can confidently say that I’ve never heard another Black person boast about getting their shoes dirty or walking with their chin down. This terror affected more than just children, and it was intentional. As for the little white boys (and sometimes girls) coming of age who learned that murder and extreme brutality towards others was “normal,” their parents deeply damaged these children just for being involved in such acts themselves, just for talking about what happened. Having them attend these massacres of Black bodies, voices, and even wealth for over fifty years should be beyond belief. But even today, children in certain neighborhoods and of certain shades constantly worry about walking to school or to the corner store and being arrested or murdered on the way there and back at the hands of a racist police officer, a stray bullet, or other realities precipitated by generations of discrimination and poverty. This context is extremely important for understanding the damaged psyche of our nation with regard to people of all colors and ethnicities, white people included. Given these circumstances, do our children even have a fair chance?

How Can We Identify An Abused Child?

Perhaps the easiest way to spot a victim of child abuse is this: Look for the kid who’s “buckling under pressure.” After all, that's how clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabury described it in her 2012 TEDx Talk on “Conscious Parenting.” In my opinion, it’s also the children who get in the most trouble OR are the most silent and detached– they require a lot more of our attention. It could also be a kid who seems unable to control their moods or emotions. Have you observed kids (or adults) who make complicated choices to solve problems with very simple solutions? Do you know a child who just doesn’t seem to be interested in anything at all? Yes, a genetic condition could affect a child’s behavior and mindset. Without a genetic condition, though, chances are you’ve observed someone suffering from child abuse or neglect and had no clue. Here are many of the signs an abused child may exhibit:

• A tendency to either avoid, overly please, or ingratiate themselves to a potentially abusive person
• Poor school performance, especially if out of the ordinary for the student
• Trouble concentrating or racing thoughts
• Irritability, quickness to anger
• Crying often and/or very easily
• Anxiety or panic
• Frequent complaints of physical symptoms, like headaches and stomachaches
• Acting younger than their age or than they had before (an obvious regression in maturity)
• Spending significant time alone, away from friends and family
• Becoming more "clingy" and easily dependent on certain relationships
• Expressing thoughts of hurting themselves or others
• More risky behaviors and/or having little concern for their own safety (recklessness)

In case you have an image in your mind of some “hood-rat” single mom with snot-nosed kids and a filthy home, or a woman who speaks broken English and can only work under-the-table jobs to support her family, I’d say “Maybe,” but also, “Think again.” Some of the earliest statistics we have on child abuse were published in 1998 by a group of Kaiser Permanente investigators. This study provided us with the list of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) I mentioned before. Using information from 45,000 people in the San Diego area who were enrolled in Kaiser Permanente health plans, this study gave us some very insightful information on childhood trauma and abuse. Researchers found that childhood trauma was very common, even for employed, white, middle-class, college-educated people with great health plans. Between 1998 and 2015, close to 100 studies added to the information we have on child abuse today. Considering only the earliest figures, though, child abuse is clearly a problem WE ALL need to solve. No race, class, nationality, gender, or sexuality protect our children from abuse. That protection is up to us as parents and people who care.

What Happens To Abused Children As Adults?

Oversensitive. Politically correct. Millennials. Call it whatever you want, but none of us can afford to ignore the issues surrounding child abuse any longer. In my experience, healing from years of abuse– no matter what type or how it happened– probably feels a lot like climbing Mount Everest, but without a Sherpa to guide you. (Have you heard about the number of deceased people found on that mountain as the climate continues to warm and the ice melts?) It’s terrifying. We aren’t doing ourselves any favors by ignoring the facts about child abuse. 

Kaiser’s 1998 ACE study also found something I feel the need to make very plain and extremely clear: Childhood abuse and even household dysfunction indubitably contribute or lead to health issues and physical disease! Child abuse is literally a silent killer. Kaiser researchers found

“a stunning link between childhood trauma and the chronic diseases people develop as adults, as well as social and emotional problems. This includes heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes and many autoimmune diseases, as well as depression, violence, being a victim of violence, and suicide.”

The study’s participants who reported four or more ACEs during childhood were anywhere from 1.5 to 12 times more likely to develop unhealthy behaviors and chronic disease based on the behavior or condition. Suffering six or more adverse experiences during childhood reduces a person’s life expectancy by twenty years. Would you be okay knowing that poor parenting habits today could literally ruin your child’s health? Yes, social media use and the resulting FOMO (fear of missing out) could be factors, of course, when it comes to their emotional well-being. But would those things even matter if kids were confident within themselves? If your child grows to be extremely unstable and self-harming, who will care for you as you age? This information requires us to ask ourselves important questions like these, no matter how tough it is.

Abused children often deal with untreated Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) and other psychological issues that often remain undiagnosed as adults. One study found that 80% of 21-year-olds who reported childhood abuse met the criteria for at least one psychological disorder. There is also an undeniable link between substance abuse and a history of child maltreatment. Relatedly, childhood abuse often means constant exposure to toxic stress, an experience linked to the same things– mental health issues and chronic diseases like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease. Some caregivers may fabricate stories to conceal how they are treating their children and will even convince their children’s fragile minds to lie themselves. These numbers don’t lie, though. And neither will these children’s bodies, minds, and behaviors as adults.

*CAUTION: Sensitive material ahead!*

Based on my research, psychologists attribute a person’s mindset and behavior to three key factors: genetics, environment, and experience. Two of those factors– environment and experience– are largely controlled by parents. The most vulnerable in our society are those at risk for the most abuse, meaning children aged four and under, and those with special needs. For them, their parents and close family members and friends may be all these young, impressionable children can recognize. Though the human brain continues to develop during adulthood, researchers have found that abuse negatively impacts a child’s brain development. The brain is an amazing and extremely complex organ about which we know probably as much as we do about the ocean; we hardly understand the tip of the iceberg. We do know, though, that an abused brain literally looks different, and the differences account for “compromised cognitive control,” meaning that an abused child is less likely to have the ability to control their own bodies and emotions than those who do not suffer abuse. That’s something a prescription for an ADHD drug won’t fix. Frankly, the implications of abuse on child development are devastating.

Abused children are likely to battle any (or all) of the following as they come of age:

Emotional & Psychological Problems:

• At risk for domestic violence
• Issues with cognitive dissonance
• Alcoholism and alcohol abuse
• Illicit drug abuse
• Smoking & drinking at an early age
• Depression
• Suicide attempts

Sexual & Reproductive Risks:

• Multiple sexual partners
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Unintended pregnancies
• Early initiation of sexual activity
• Adolescent pregnancy and fetal death

Ever Heard of Parricide?

Growing up, I heard so many parents (a lot of them on reality TV, for some reason) say things like, “I brought you into the world and I can take you out!” Just… YUCK! Imagine hearing that week after week, year after year as a child. But, what if that notion was flipped? Better yet, imagine waking up in bed to find your child standing over you with a weapon and a mixture of rage, determination, and fear in their eyes. Maybe there was an explosive fight the day before and you, the parent, went to bed thinking your child would “just get over it” like always. Imagine your next big fight being the one during which your child is convinced that you mean them grave harm, so they take matters into their own hands. Paul Mones, a sexual abuse attorney based in L.A., knows firsthand that sometimes that’s exactly what happens to abusive parents: their children kill them.

“Typically, the child who kills a parent is from 16 to 18 years old, from a white middle-class family. Most have above-average intelligence, although their schoolwork may be below average. They generally are well-adjusted in school and the community, though they tend to be isolated, without many friends. They commonly have had no prior run-in with the law.”

Eric and Lyle Menendez at the
Los Angeles County Courthouse
during their trail for the
murder of their parents, AP

Even the infamous Menendez brothers known for brutally murdering their parents in 1989 claimed they were the targets of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse (multiple forms) by their father, and their mother did not intervene. Of course, we’ll never have the whole story, but you can explore the case more to form your own opinions. Typically, sons are more likely to use violence to end abuse while daughters internalize what goes on and usually resort to self-harm. Children who turn the tables of abuse and harm their parents usually target the father figure, and they often use a gun kept in the home to do it. At school or in front of strangers, abused children often seem to lack the tell-tale signs of mental instability and abusive treatment in the home. But remember, they’ve likely been conditioned to do just that: Act like nothing at home is wrong. Sometimes, these kids feel as if harming their parents is the best option they have to save themselves. “They know what they’re doing is wrong,” says Dewey Cornell, a University of Virginia forensic psychologist, “but they are desperate and helpless, and they don’t see alternatives.” There are so many alternatives to explore, though, and these kids need access to other options before they take matters into their own hands. If there’s nothing they can find locally, then we need to make sure others in the community get involved in creating them. Or we should step up and be of assistance to a child in need. 

Is Bad Parenting Ruining Our World?

If an abusive parent happens to raise a child who remains fearful of them or represses their experiences so much that they don’t realize their family’s abuse, they may turn their rage onto the world. Abused children are about nine times more likely to get involved in criminal activity. They’re also more likely to raise the next generation of abused children as they fill their parent’s shoes and become abusers themselves. Not all abused kids become violent and some violent people were never abused during childhood, but there is an obvious connection between child abuse and violence. One study found that people genetically predisposed to violent behavior who are abused as children or experience several ACEs are twice as likely to engage in murder. While there is no definitive answer to the "nature versus nurture" question, we do know that several infamous serial killers around the world faced atrocious levels of abuse during childhood. To me, the men, women, and children who sold tickets to, took out newspaper ads for, and laughed, cheered, and smiled as they lynched someone back in the day had all the makings of a serial killer. Some of them also kept special collector's items: deceased and/or charred body parts. An abusive parent could likely help a child grow into the next big serial killer, mass shooter, or serial rapist. Would you want to be that parent? And even if a child is learning terrifying behavior from society more than from your home, it still falls on parents, families, and other people who care to catch this behavior early on and to seek help.

I recognize that not everyone appreciates Dave Chappelle’s provocative (and occasionally really offensive) humor, but he artfully– and painfully– touches on this reality in his recent stand-up, Stick & Stones. Chappelle is no stranger to using humor to highlight quite troubling topics:

"If you're a parent, this s*** is terrifying... because we know as parents that one of us is raising the shooter. We just don't know which one of us it is. All we know for sure is that if you're white parents, the chances that it's you are exponentially higher than the rest of us. Shooting up schools is a white kid's game."

Dave is right– these circumstances have to be terrifying for parents. But what if parents have more power in the situation than they realize? And, to be fair, “shooting up schools” is a “game” of the depressed, anxious, stressed out children who suffer through emotional and physical abuse, their parents’ alcoholism or drug addiction, dysfunction, absence or abandonment, and violence in the home. They often live in despair, feel desperate, and have nowhere to turn for protection from the abuse because they also live in isolation at school and in the public sphere in general. These kids fail to connect with anyone, and– if they are raised by a narcissist or another toxic personality– their parents likely make them feel as though connecting to “outsiders” poses a threat to the “structure” (or lack thereof) within the home. “People who do these kinds of targeted attacks don't feel very good about themselves, or where they're headed in their lives,” psychologist John Van Dreal told NPR. “They may wish someone would kill them. Or they may wish they could kill themselves.” Somewhere along the way, the depression and despair these kids feel transform into anger and violent rage.

Screenshot of a Google search for 
"school shooter rise US" to show 
recent headlines, October 2019

Depression, anxiety, and abuse are to school shooters what domestic violence is to mass shooters. Remember the element of “toxic stress” I mentioned earlier? Well, school shooters are young people with “particularly stressful lives,” but what if the mass shooters we’ve seen in recent years were those same kids who feigned resilience and used bravado to just keep moving forward in life? What if the children who chose not to assault others as kids just watched their parents physically attack one another at home, and then practiced abuse on their own romantic partners as adults? Yes, controlling the dissemination of guns is important, especially regarding people with a history of violence. But what if a history of abuse in the home was the key ingredient for why any mass shooter eventually splays their rage onto a public audience in the form of live rounds? Would it matter if gun laws were more restrictive if someone goes unnoticed and hides in plain sight until their next victims happen to go to Walmart or an army base or a country music concert one day? We know that serial killers like Dahmer, Bundy, and Gacy led seemingly normal lives until they were caught. What if the father or mother of your children is not having an affair like you think, but is, instead, out terrorizing other human beings for pleasure? What if their sadism began during childhood? FBI profiler Jim Clemente once said, “Genetics loads the gun, their personality and psychology aim it, and their experiences pull the trigger.” What if the trigger of these guns had been set on a timer, long ago in a person’s childhood? What if they’re one difficult experience away from causing the next massacre?

The issue of child abuse requires a deep change within our society. Yes, a kid’s upbringing is mostly up to their parents, but our society certainly contributes to this issue. We, as individuals, make up and create the society in which we live. “E pluribus unum. Out of many, one.” We overvalue material things and flashy or entertaining people, while kids suffer in silence and are told to be seen and never heard. We celebrate certain people who do bad things or act with malice just because they’re “rich” or wonderful filmmakers or lawyers or recording artists. It’s no secret that our country was built on the backs of a lot of people’s pain and suffering. And then we let kids watch and listen to them. We condone bad behavior with where and how we spend our hard-earned money each and every day. As they come of age, abused children’s pent up anger, pain, and sadness reveals itself in myriad ways, and many of those create more pain and suffering in our already-fractured communities. Our parenting doesn’t just affect this family or that home– it affects us all.

Abuse: The Apple Falls Beneath the Tree

“We cannot control our children. We can only create the conditions for them to rise. What this means is that we need to stop expending our energy on trying to control who they are and how they turn out in the future. The real challenge is to keep our eyes on the parameters that are truly under our control– ourselves, and the way the home functions.”

― Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Forcing your child to be a certain way or to do a certain thing does not seem to be the real goal of parenting. “The real challenge,” according to Dr. Shefali, is controlling “ourselves, and the way the home functions.” If your initial response to a statement like this is something along the lines of, “No one can tell me how to raise my child” or “I know what’s best for my child,” then I suggest seriously considering whether or not you are harming your kid and their future. I would also ask you to consider whether you suffer from unhealed abuse that occurred during your own childhood. Just wait five years– maybe ten– and see if your child shows behaviors that make you worry about how they’re doing. And I don’t mean something about them that you don’t agree with. I mean their ability to reach goals, treat people with decency, maintain success, avoid addiction, et cetera.

Dr. Shefali and Oprah Winfrey
during a discussion on 
parenting in 2016, OWN

No one is all-knowing (including me!). There’s always something new to learn, especially when it comes to another human being, and that includes your kids. They are living, breathing humans who grow each and every day. You don’t own them and they are not toys.

The estranged father/grandfather in Talladega Nights to me seemed a lot like a narcissistic man-child with abandonment issues. As he helped Ricky Bobby heal from a fear of driving that actually stemmed from when he abandoned his own child, the father began to heal himself, too. Because I was raised around people who I believe had narcissistic tendencies, I used to feel as though I could never raise a happy child if I did not feel that way as a kid myself. Many times, I attempted to confide in relatives to let them know that I felt as if something was not right, but they never listened and even called me ignorant, stupid, weak, oversensitive, and ungrateful because of how I felt. Kim Constable, says mistreating children “sets them on the path to obeying fear” in her 2016 TED Talk. I never wanted to have kids of my own, mainly because I envisioned myself ruining another human being just because of a moment of fleeting sexual desire and very bad decisions. Once I worked through the blame and shame in which I had lived for so long, I could see how the same feelings were likely instilled in my family when they were kids. I began to see the ways in which patterns of bad behavior continue on generation after generation. I mean, if you go back far enough (oh, just four or five generations or so), you’ll find quite a few people who lived (barely) under slavery. Think about this: I’m 28 now, and my great-grandparents’ parents were enslaved. I’m sure my 107-year-old great-grandpa can still recall at least a few stories, even though I would never ask him to do so. Recognizing this unfortunate pattern of abuse is a huge part of my motivation to advocate for children. If we save the children, we can save our world.

Adults who abuse children show signs that strongly indicate their injurious behavior. I developed a framework I use for my own personal healing, one that I call the “Four Toxic Traits.” I trained myself to see how toxic people operate from at least one of these negative positions: Boredom, Insecurity, Frustration, or Hurt/Pain. Child abusers will often ignore or completely deny a child’s problematic behavior, changes in their behavior, or the difficulties they face because of the abuse. That's what I refer to as "frustration." It seems as though toxic parents are stuck operating out of one of those four traits. Abusers may unapologetically use language to show that they view the child as worthless or burdensome– definitely to the child, but also when talking to other people. Abusers may demand physical or academic performances that aren’t achievable by their child or expect them to reach goals via skills they were never even taught. They may then hold them to strict standards. They may ask teachers or other caregivers to use harsh punishment in case the child misbehaves, and will use very harsh punishments themselves. Abusers also rarely show physical affection to their child, preferring hostility instead, especially in light of “bad” behavior. They may also display little concern for the child in certain circumstances that may seem appalling to other parents and loved ones. 

The reality is that many child abusers faced abuse during their own childhood. They will often adhere to the perspective, “I went through it and I survived, so you will, too,” using their own harsh past to justify the coldness, neglect, or emotional and physical pain they delve out to their offspring. Because they refuse to take accountability for their actions, likely because they never healed from having terrible things done to them, abusers use their own painful pasts to justify hurting others, especially their children. I believe that in order to become better parents and to raise competent, empathetic, ambitious children who become adults that are comfortable with themselves, we have to start with addressing how we parent our kids. It really does take a village to raise a child, and, as an adult, the child becomes part of that village. If the village is damaged and deeply broken though, what results can we expect from the kid? Dr. Shefali:

"We hurt our children for one reason only: It’s because we are hurting ourselves and we barely know… We’re sitting on emotional baggage that lies dormant… waiting to be triggered at a moment’s notice. And who better to trigger us than our children? They just know the buttons to push. Through our children, we get… orchestra seats to the theatrics of our emotional immaturity.”

Strong Children Learn From Strong Adults

A Young Child at Camino Seguro
School in Guatemala City,
Guatemala, 2013

It is the epitome of hypocrisy to require your children and other people around you to do things or behave in ways that you do not do yourself. Children view the adults around them as giants, and they think we’re superstars who rule the world. But what happens if the life you live or the way you treat your children isn’t at all worthy of all the love, grandiosity, and deference a child gives? Is there still time for you to make a change?

Yes. In my opinion, there’s always time to change. Change is the only constant in this world. Well, change and uncertainty.

"Develop a 'toolkit' of a set of thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs. Pull out the tools when you need them in life, and share your toolkit with your young child. As they get older, help them pick and choose their own thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs for their own toolkit."

If you’ve gotten to this point in the piece, I have to say that I am so excited you have– this is my favorite part to write about in regards to this topic. I know that it’s a long article, but it had to be this way. And, to be honest, it was really hard for me to get through the material at times. It all triggers me– for myself, and for other people. But if it didn’t bother me at all, I’d be worried. Knowing that between four and seven children die every day in this country and knowing that so much pain goes unnoticed, ignored, or is forced to be kept secret… Knowing that the little ones who will one day become the big people making decisions for us in this world are “broken” before the ages of three, seven, or eleven... Knowing that about 25% of little girls and nearly 17% of little boys in our country suffer through sexual abuse… it’s honestly heartbreaking for me. How does someone look in a child’s eyes and just decide that they are bad/annoying/stupid/expensive/needy/hyper/cute enough to deserve pain and suffering? Could you be a parent or another person in a child’s life who influences them to be toxic? Did a loved one treat you that way when you were a child?

To me, the opposite of heartbreak is empowerment. Knowledge, resources, and community are the tools that empower us all. 

Youthful and spry Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma said in one sermon about super busy, super involved soccer moms: “You’re forfeiting the purpose God put in you because you only feel significant when you’re doing all of that for them.” Whether or not you are religious and whether you’re Christian or Muslim or atheist or of another faith, this message is still so powerful. Do you only feel important when you’re involved in other people’s lives? Do you seek validation from those around you rather than yourself? Do you take care of yourself, which includes exploring your interests, meeting your goals, and finding your true purpose for being the one and only you on this earth? Do you actually make decisions that are in your best interest before that of any other person? Do you realize that if there’s something you want to see in the world, a change you think needs to be made, or even a new product that would improve all of our lives– if that idea comes to you, then YOU have to be the one to develop and create it? Do you know what positive contribution you’re meant to make to this planet, to our world?

There’s one common theme in all of the questions that I asked above. Can you see what it is? It’s Y-O-U. 

This may be different from other parenting advice you’ve heard in the past, and, if so, that’s a great thing! Perhaps this will be the approach that actually helps YOU to be fulfilled as a parent. I’m sure you’re still seeking fulfillment, aren’t you? And if not, it’s never too late to change. And, if you did some somewhat messed up things in the past– things that were probably NOT okay– then apologize. Hold yourself accountable. Atone. And then be the person you’re actually meant to be.

Perhaps you’re wondering why– in a section of one of the saddest pieces you may have read in a long while– I would focus on the parent rather than the child in order to impart advice that helps us all raise empowered and motivated children. Well, it’s because you may not have had your own needs met as a child. It’s because, as an adult, you are still a living, breathing, complex, interesting, and capable human being with a purpose and plenty of amazing things inside you that you must share with the world. It’s because if we are not strong adults and if we do not move in ways, make decisions, and choose people and situations that honor our true selves, how can we raise strong children? Being a great parent (/daughter/son/partner/entrepreneur/niece/nephew/etc.) NEVER means compromising who you are. Instead, you should bring all your goodness to the table, or go sit at the one that fits (or your own) if others don’t accept you. Chances are, they can’t accept you because they refuse to accept themselves, so they project their pain onto you.

Honestly, the things I mentioned before are the things I always hoped and dreamed my parents and other adults in my life would do as a kid: Find their passions and follow their dreams! I just wanted them to take me along for the ride. Seeing someone do exactly what they’re meant to do and hearing how much they're enjoying themselves and their life… That’s f***ing fantastic! I’m currently getting used to calling myself a writer and to living in my own purpose. Recently, I posted something on social media (which I do about every month or so, ha!) about our expectations of love:

“Someone who refuses to love themselves and the miracle they are can never truly love another. It has to start from within.” If love does not live within you, how can you love your family members, friends, neighbors, or your partner? How can you love your children who come from your flesh and blood if you do not love, respect, and honor yourself? It’s not about being selfish, it’s about taking care of yourself. And your children are your responsibility, they’re a part of making sure you’re taking care of you– they didn’t ask to be here. And since you have to teach them things, anyway, go ahead and model the behavior you want them to show you. A good example is the best teacher.

Protect – Provide – Guide: I think it’s the basis of healthy parenting. Protect children from potential harms and pitfalls, provide everything a child needs, guide them to make good decisions and to eventually protect and provide for themselves. Repeat. Strengthening Georgia Families also has a wonderful set of standards for strengthening family dynamics and bouncing back when things happen. We all know that things are going to happen. And, in regard to the terrible tradition of using fear, threats, and severe punishments to make your child do this or force them to do that– just don’t, especially if you know you have a tendency to go overboard. It may seem hard at first, but rewards and support work way better for influencing behavior than corporal punishment. Dr. Shefali Tsabary has a wonderful approach called “Conscious Parenting” in which a parent takes stock of the fact that they are still part of the equation while also understanding what your particular child (remember: everyone is different!) needs in order to develop and thrive. 

My amazing cousin, Carlton Robert Collins, who is a parent to two beautiful children, wrote in his 2016 book, REBEL:

“Everyone should be developing a toolkit, a set of thoughts, behaviors, and a belief system that they can draw inspiration from to keep the flame of hope burning bright inside.” 

Carlton Robert Collins, author of REBEL: Resist Every Bias x Every Level (2016)

I agree with this as it applies to parenting as well. Develop a “toolkit” of a set of thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs. Pull out the tools when you need them in life, and share your toolkit with your young child. As they get older, help them pick and choose their own thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs for their own toolkit. You’ll constantly learn new things about yourself and others, especially your children. Just because they look like you doesn’t mean they act anything like you. In fact, they might act differently on purpose– at least for a while. Everyone truly is different, and you and your child must find what works best for both of you. So, here’s my plan:

The “Protect – Provide – Guide” Plan. 

1. Parents– Take good care of yourself, follow your dreams, handle your responsibilities, and have some fun. Model a great example for your kids.
2. Be prepared to provide for all of their material needs– food, shelter, water, clothing. When times get hard, call on reliable family, friends, or community members and institutions to assist. 
3. Get to know your kid, and constantly encourage them to get to know themselves.
4. Understand the targets for your child’s age or age group, or look them up if you don’t (most people won’t and remember: every child is different. Be flexible). 
5. Set goals for your child (and yourself) based on the targets (#4).
6. Learn the skills, techniques, or other concepts needed to guide and explain information to your child.
7. Teach them to spend time with people who build them up and motivate them.
8. If your child demonstrates troubling behavior or signs of violence, seek the help they need, no matter what it takes. Treat a potential mental or psychological illness like you should cancer or diabetes: don’t just allow the situation to fall into ruin. Do your own research, ask several experts, try different approaches until you get an answer that helps you see results for you and your child.
9. Teach and expose them to things that aid them in reaching their targets, and test their competence. Safely expose them to and explain negative life experiences so they understand (don’t shelter them). If you lack skills in a certain area, learn with your child, or just a little ahead of them.
10. Accept that perfection does not exist, don’t compare yourself or your kids to others, and enjoy the process of reaching goals and learning new information.
11. Practice this approach every single day until it becomes second nature.

While this plan may be an approach to parenting, you can and should also use it as a basis for caring for yourself. Get to know yourself. Set goals for your ambitions. Teach and expose yourself to people, places, and information that help you grow, and GLOW. You still matter, no matter how many kids or responsibilities you have. You must still lead and live your own life because no one can or will take care of you in the way you need. 

So, go back to school if you want. Make a plan to leave that job you hate, or to start the business you dream about every night. Choose a partner who loves and respects you, your personality, your boundaries, and– definitely– your children. And if society gives you pause (it absolutely should!), here are some more ideas for potential solutions:

1. Get involved in local politics, city planning, and nonprofits. And please– VOTE in every single election.
2. Attend your child’s school PTA and school board meetings. 
3. Volunteer for events at your kid’s school. 
4. Encourage your kids to get involved in an activity they like and you get involved with them (as much as you can stand it! We have to be realistic).

If you don’t have the money, time, or resources, then make a plan and get it– create it if you have to. Makes changes in your life that enable you to be there for your kids. Be the parent who truly deserves that “World’s Greatest Mom/Dad” mug your kid bought you last year. It’s never too late.

Conclusion

Dani, Fall 2019

"Teach them to guide, inform, and protect themselves... reinforce what you teach them by living what you say or advise: you become the example of real results."

In some way, I’ve always been something of a child advocate, but, for a while, I thought that not wanting kids of my own meant I couldn’t speak on the issue. I refuse to remain quiet any longer, though. No, I’m not a parent or a specialist in child development, so you don’t really have to believe me. But you can believe the scholars, specialists, psychologists, and statistics I included within this piece. You're free to delve into this topic for yourself. I encourage it! This is quite a long piece– I’m aware of that. It was imperative that I covered all the bases (although I did not delve deep into sexual abuse, foster care, or other children in the system). Because I’m not an expert in this area, I had to do plenty of research, but we all have a part to play. Changing the outcome of child abuse is the responsibility of our communities, and any good family member, friend, or romantic partner should push others to live better lives and to be better parents. It’s our responsibility to be that ourselves. Without that healthy motivation and pressure, we risk continuously raising broken adults, generation after generation. 

Mental health isn’t just a buzz word that’s popular right now– it’s a huge, infected, puss-filled wound in our society that has never been treated or healed. Now is the time to remember that we do not exist without our minds. Now is the time to heal from the pain of our past so that we make better decisions in the present. And I don’t necessarily think that our institutions are capable of taking on more children or raising them any better. But I prefer those institutions to murdered children or parents, and kids growing up in prison. This past Sunday, during a sermon titled "Whose Responsibility Is It?," Pastor Steve Foster at The Rock Baptist Church in Rex, Georgia said, "You're the ones who have to step up to the plate." Parents must step up and do the work on themselves. And family, friends, colleagues, and others in the community should willingly help other families out when things get tough. Don’t just watch someone fall. If it were you, you know you’d want those helping hands. And I’m sure it’s been you at some time in the past… 

Every day, between four and seven children in the U.S. die because of child abuse and neglect. It does not have to be this way, though. Don’t experiment with a child because you feel as though it’s the next stage in your life, you’re lonely, or you want someone who will love you unconditionally. You already have that person, and it’s YOU. A child is not your property, they will not and cannot be controlled by anyone other than themselves, and you are meant to protect, provide for, and guide them, never the other way around. Don't choose to "break" children, for they grow to become broken adults who sometimes want to break other people out of misery. Choose to parent yourself before you even consider parenting a child. Better yet, get a dog or cat or another animal of your choice that could actually survive without you if and when you get bored or frustrated. Whatever you choose, just don't harm a kid.

Dani sneaking into a picture with the models and hair stylist at Love D'Jenee's "Golden Tears Experience" Fashion Showcase In Nashville, June 2019

I’m aware I’ve said a few harsh things here. My intention is never to offend anyone. I’m just passionate about this topic, and I prefer being blunt and hurting some feelings to kids dying for no reason at all. I prefer the truth over making anyone comfortable. I’m 100% a Millennial, but I have no interest in being “PC” (politically correct).

As a parent, you've been gifted with a miraculous opportunity to lead another beautiful soul through this interesting game of life. Life is beautiful and vibrant and interesting and uplifting. It can also be dangerous, troubled, frightening, and might make you wish you never even thought about children, or that you'd never been born yourself. Sometimes s*** happens! That's just life. As a parent, your goal should be to guide, to inform, and to protect your kids any time they need any one or a combination of those things. By doing so, you teach them to guide, inform, and protect themselves. You must also reinforce what you teach by living what you say or advise: you become the example of real results. Over time– little by little– you step back and allow your children to choose the best path for themselves, and you quietly watch as they consult themselves for guidance, insight, and protection. You evaluate them based on how they perform, just like any good teacher would do, and provide feedback whenever necessary. And you push them to become more and more of themselves along the way.

Dani, Summer 2019

You should always be there for them, but teach them that they are their own people, and that they can lead great lives with or without any direction from you. You don't take anything away from what you do for them, but, instead, you inspire your kids to do it for themselves. You, too, have your own wonderful life to live. As you dial back your need to fight their battles, do their homework, and force them to make the "right" decisions in life, there's one thing that you never change, relinquish, or turn your back on when it comes to your children: Love, eternally and unconditionally. That's the one thing you can always do for your kids, no matter how close to babyhood or to being grown they are. Love and support them, no matter what. And do so unconditionally.

After all, don’t you want healthy people to care for you as you age? We have to practice long-term thinking for all of our decisions in life, especially when it comes to young, innocent, defenseless children. 

Be good to your kids, and be good to yourself. It matters so much more than many of us might like to admit.

****

If you’re in need of help and need to speak to someone about your experience with child abuse or need to report suspected abuse, call the National Child Abuse Help Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.


We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.


Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.


We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.


It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.


And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.