Why is it Hard to Change Habits?

Why is it Hard to Change One's Habits? A perspective from a recovering / former: anorexic, binge drinker, drug user & people pleaser.

Change is not easy, and there are no silver bullets. I found habits hard to change because they we so uncomfortable to change.

Change requires exposure to uncertainty and unfamiliarity. A perfect combination for someone having control issues stemming from trauma, change can trigger unwanted vulnerability.

I found Robert Keegan and Lisa Lahey’s book Immunity to Change really helpful along with embracing my “Future Self Identity”

Here is a quick overview of Immunity to Change, followed by own experiences overcoming anorexia, alcohol, drug, people pleasing and social media habits.

Immunity to Change: Uncovering the the obstructions in our emotional operating system and how to interact with them to allow for change. There are 4 Steps to this process:

1.Clarify Your Goal. Arguably the most important part of any change effort is planning. Most change effort is done in reverse and as a “remedy” to fix something.

The problem is lack of clarity, no opportunity to assess the “technical skills” (technique) and “adaptive skills” (mindset) needed for change. Think of this as the behaviours, actions and beliefs - what needs to be true?

2.What are you doing now?

A. What actions that support your goal/change?

B. What are you currently doing, or not doing instead of taking the actions you want?

3. Fears and competing commitments: Understanding why there is resistance to change. (I found this really insightful and it ties into my understanding of Identity)

A. What are you afraid of? What would happen if you changed your actions? (what do you need to let go of, what would that look like?)

B. What do your current actions, behaviors and beliefs make you committed to? (When I was in university I wanted to get grades but was more committed to socializing…aka partying)

4.Your Big Assumptions: What do you assume would happen if the thing you’re trying to achieve or prevent comes true. i.e.. If I fail, I will let everyone down, or to be an effective leader I have to get it right the first time. (hello perfectionism). From previous personal experience - coaching over 600 people with wellness/ weight loss this is where the I saw a lot of the all or nothing thinking show up.

 "all change is hard in the beginning, 
messy in the middle and glorious in the end" -Robin Sharma.         

What was blocking my change?

• Decision fatigue: I was overwhelmed by micro decisions and over stimulated. I assessed and removed as much a possible to support my goals.
• The belief “I’ve earned this” or “I deserve this” to justify why I was doing /not doing what I said I was going to. As a recovering (no longer practicing) anorexic - you don’t need to earn food, or deserve food. It is ok to want something without feeling like you need to earn it.
• External influences - who I thought I "should be"
• Not believing life with /without habit was possible for me.
• It has do be done a certain way (If I eat this cookie the day is shot so I might as well not bother limiting myself today, there is always tomorrow)
• No replacement belief/ activity
• Measuring success forward on externally constructed idea of success, instead of measuring progress backward from where you started (Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan have a great book on this called, The Gap and The Gain)
• The feelings I got from the old habit outweighed the perceived future benefit of the new habit (delayed gratification)
• The old habit is more comfortable to others, and that is how they saw me and related to me. I felt very vulnerable at how I would be perceived when I changed.
• No clear path forward and consideration of obstacles. Having an emergency management/disaster planning for change.
• The biggest one for me was Identity. How I saw myself and what I thought was possible for me. Having full agency over my life. As someone who experienced a lot of trauma from a very early age I had no awareness of choices that were available to me. Which is also strangely conflicts with my natural tendency as an advocate.

What ultimately helped me successfully change my habits:

• Future Self - getting clear on who I want to be and why.
• Identify the thoughts, actions and behaviours that supported my future self, and taking intentional action.
• Having really loud boundaries. If it didn’t align, it was an easy no. This keeps me committed to my goals.
• Compassion for my past self - radical compassion. I spent a lot of my life in survival. I refuse to judge a person in pain who is doing th3 best they could just to get through the day.
• Time outside/ disconnected - Finding my voice, my truth, believing in me. I could only find this when I shut out the noise.
• Therapy. Finding the right therapist for me.
• Sleep - I had chronic sleep issues for years, a good nights sleep makes everything more manageable.
• Hydration - helps me think and move better.
• People who support your journey and keep you accountable
• Creativity - trying something new.
• Witnessing my thoughts, acknowledging I am not my thoughts.
• Naming the emotions that come up, feeling them and letting them go (deep breathing helped with this)

Change can hard, but it can also be our perception that it is hard. With intentional planning it can be a lot easier.

What has been your experience with changing habits? I would love to hear from you.