Why is it hard to ask for Help?

Everyone’s Bio says it. “I help” everyone wants to help, every networking event I’ve been to quizzed individuals what lights you up? The majority say helping others…

But, why is it hard for us to ask for help?

We have grown up since day dot being fed the meanings of everything in our life.

Example, A B C… A for apple ??, B for bee ?? C for cat ??… etc.

this goes for everything.

We grow up to be meaning-making machines.

From 0-6months we use screaming and crying as a universal language for asking for help (instinctually)

6-18months we start using body language, pointing, and facial expressions more and more to ask for help.

18m-3years language starts to develop and toddlers start to ask for HELP and process more on their own without thought. A childhood trait is a curiosity.

3-7years of asking for help and asking WHY becomes the topic of every conversation and processes even more problem-solving and habits. (More forward thinking)

7-12years we ask for help in more detail.

As we enter teenage hood, asking for help becomes fearful. Example (what will they think of me if I ask for help or this question)

That age-old response, no question is stupid. Even though it feels like it (bodily sensations) and backed up with thoughts of self-doubt, learned from early childhood play.

The mind of a teenager is all about self-image (very egoistic) impulse decisions, expressing stronger emotions, and high-risk activities. (Superiority theory)

I believe, Overall the ages of 7-18 are a crucial time for creating a healthy environment. Encouraging children that asking for help is empowering, especially for the development of self-acceptance.

Randy Pausch mentions in his book: The Last Lecture

“Sometimes all you have to do is ask and it leads to all your dreams coming true. Ask those questions. Just ask them. More often than you’d suspect, the answer you get is, “ sure.”

Why though… is asking for help hard. Fear?? Self-doubt?? Embarrassment, humility… a past experience. Well, possibly all of the above.

The worse one of all: the martyrdom, giving to everyone else and wondering why no one gives to you.

This is also a defense mechanism, often putting up a front cause we think we do need help, or I’m not worthy to receive it.

The environment we grow up in will set the basic fundamentals for how we think. Including the what and why however “the how” is more important for learning the processes we continue to use in life.

Which actually doesn’t change, just evolves.

Alfred Adler mentions this in his book: What life could mean to you. “Meanings are not determined by situations, but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations.”

While studying Alfred Adler, a huge penny dropped when I learn about how we give everything meaning.

That meaning can empower us or disempower us.

The irony is, those individuals, that ask for help from others, learn a lot, have a huge global network, and are leaders in their field. We can not go it alone.

We need to ask for help like a business needs sales.

I believe we become so self-conscious about asking for help.

We worried about what others think, we are even afraid to be told NO.

Unconsciously due to learned traumatic events, we learn not to ask.

William Whitecloud mentions in his book: Natural success.

“Culturally, there are 12 fundamental belief systems.”

2nd most common

“I’m not worthy”

Because receiving help will contradict the belief.

Every individual will have their own story that backs up this belief, and that will obviously be your perception of what it means to you. Ironically…

To add even more depth, when we finally ask for help and receive it with loving arms, we psychologically question all the times in our past, when we could’ve asked. Even that thought is negative and overwhelming.

-Pjero Mardesic