Why is it hard to ask for help?
“Everybody has problems, nobody asks for help.”
That’s what it looks like lately. Maybe these past few years are to blame. People want to be more independent and do things by themselves, even if they struggle, instead of asking for help or advice.
There’s this joke and it goes like this:
“How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.”
It’s pretty much the same thing with “helping people”, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it.
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step toward solving it.
Asking for help = sign of weakness?
Most people perceive asking for help as a sign of weakness. Been there, done that. I hated asking for help. My Ego was the problem, but on the other hand it felt so good solving the problem by myself. However, dealing with things without having a solution, was nerve wrecking and time consuming. It wasn’t an efficient way of doing stuff.
I had people asking me: “Why don’t you ask for help? We’re here.”
My answer was that I got so used of doing things by myself, that it became the default mode.
I had to be that strong person that gets it done alone. Not knowing how to solve a problem was a sign of weakness for me. I hated not knowing how to do things. I would rather waste time looking up some information, instead of just saying “I don’t know”.
“Why were you like this?”
I’ll probably need a book to explain this, but for now let’s just say that my Ego played a big part in all of this.
“Why did you have an Ego?”
Because I thought what I knew, was enough and that I was great; which of course, I wasn’t.
“Why made you change?”
Life. It smacked me a few times, until I “woke up” and made a change. Furthermore, someone told me that?asking for help is an acknowledgement of someone else’s skills and a sign that you appreciate them enough to ask?for their help.
Accept the help
Once I started to accept that I needed help to get things done, my life changed.
I’ll give you an example.
I didn’t have the habit of organizing my work, because I did some monotonous jobs that didn’t require planning, also nobody taught me — not that this is an excuse, it’s not. Not being used to having a lot of tasks to get done in a short period of time, I asked for advice.
Of course, I tried some things by myself but they didn’t work out, so I asked my colleagues. They suggested that I write down the tasks I need to complete every day, organized in hourly intervals. It was very annoying at start, but soon I got used to it. I made a cool daily planner, which brought me satisfaction, because it was my responsibility; I wrote what I had to do and it was up to me to complete those things.
Ego gets in the way
It's not like I completely got rid of the "do it alone" mentality, but I met a few people who genuinely wanted to help. So, eventually I accepted the help. My ego was pissed, oh man... It was really intriguing to observe the battle in my head between "asking for help" and "you don't need any help". Does this sound weird?
“How come you paid attention to that?”
I've always been attentive to detail and psychology has greatly enhanced that ability. Seeing how the 2 mindsets butt heads has helped me realize that I am changing. I often paid attention to what I was thinking and always liked to figure out why certain things were going through my mind.
People used to tell me: “You finished psychology, that means you know a lot.”
My reply was always a version of: “Life taught me a lot more”.
Desire to help
How it all started: Thanks to the people around me, I developed this strong desire to help. Then, I discovered psychology, which showed me that there are numerous ways to assist people. I felt a genuine need to help.
“Why?”
At first, it was because it brought me great satisfaction. It was also a motivation to aquire more knowledge and practice.
Sometimes, when my life wasn’t great, I found happiness in helping others. You can say it was a selfish thing, but I didn’t ask for anything in return.
Nobody is 100% altruistic, everyone helps because it makes them feel good, even if they admit it or not. Let’s be honest, we’re all selfish, to a certain extent.
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You don’t have to go through things alone
“What happened after?”
My desire to help, transformed into refusal to let people go through things alone. The problem was and still is, that most people don’t ask for help. Why?
“I don’t need help from a stranger, I don’t even ask my friends for help.”
BUT WHY?
This really bugs me sometimes. I don't understand why you wouldn't want someone to help you go through things faster and easier. Maybe that's how you've gotten used to doing things, or perhaps you want to prove to yourself that you can handle it on your own.
Sometimes, it's definitely worth going through tough times alone, as the person who emerges is going to be much stronger. However, it can also be a slippery slope; you might come out of it feeling mean and resentful. That choice is yours. You decide whether to allow that experience to negatively transform you or to use it as fuel for personal growth and becoming a better person.
“How do I know when to ask for help?”
I don’t know what the right answer is for everyone. I would say it depends on the individual and the situation they are dealing with. As a rule of thumb, when you don’t know something but another person does, ask them. It will save you time and that person will appreciate you asking for help.
“What if the person won’t help because he/she thinks I’m wasting his/her time?”
It’s a risk that you have to take. You never know, the person might not want to help, but what if she does?
As Shia LaBeouf would say: “Just do it!” — Stop making scenarios and ask for help.
Asking for help is definitely a big problem for many people.
You have doubts, you keep asking yourself: should I ask for help, or not, what if he/she says no, what if the advice is bad etc.
First rule: make sure you’re asking the right person for advice. You can’t ask a surgeon how to fly a plane.
Second rule: trust the person even if you don’t know them, yet.
Third rule: apply the advice, don’t waste time on just talking and not acting on it.?You know why?
Because if you do this enough times, that person won’t help you anymore. Talking and not applying doesn’t help anyone.
Never take advantage of a person who’s trying to help you.
If someone asks for your help, don’t say no, UNLESS you see they’re giving you the problem because they don’t want to deal with it.
Don’t be anyone’s hero, help them grow and improve, don’t do the things for them because you’re “taking away their power” - allow them the opportunity to learn something from the situation and solve the problem.
The number of things and lessons that can be learned from every challenge is priceless, but if someone else solves your stuff because?you refuse to do it, then you will be stuck at this level.
This is one of the reasons why we’re here on earth, to grow, improve, get better, help others and make sure our species survives.
“What does this have to do with asking for help?”
We’re social creatures, that’s how we survived for thousands of years. We need each other to thrive in this world. There are many things that one person can’t do by himself/herself.
“What are you talking about? Of course I can. I did everything by myself so far and things turned out great.”
Let’s say you’re right.
“I know I’m right.”
Alright smart guy/girl. Ask yourself this: “How much more efficiently could you have completed things if you had asked for help from the right people?” Imagine how far you could have been today.
“Uh… uh…. Yes but I did it by myself and I’m proud of it.”
Nobody is taking away your credit, but my point is that, having someone that can guide you goes a long way.
There are lessons that we have to learn by ourselves and there are times when we could and should ask for help to get more things done, faster and better.
“Where do I find the right person for my problem?”
That’s a hard question… Depending on your problem, sometimes you have to look for a while before you find what you actually need.
As a general rule, don’t ask your friends if you need advice for something that you want to do and they wouldn’t. They might not give you the appropriate advice. That’s how you can actually see who are your real friends.
A true friend is someone who encourages you, wants you to succeed and be happy for you, even if their life isn’t great.