Why “Good Men” Get Lumped in With Abusive Men

When we allow ourselves to be silenced we become complicit.

Our dominance-based culture of masculinity polices and bullies boys/men into silence on a wide range of issues, to hide what we’re feeling and thinking, to hide significant aspects of ourselves that don’t fit in to its narrow binary rules of masculinity. The bullying inherent in Man Box culture creates ongoing suppressing fire, designed to enforce conformity. It’s up to us to push back against such pressure to be silent.

For many men, dominance-based Man Box culture is invisible, the water we swim in, until we break its rules in a big way. One such way is to publicly oppose violence against women. To do so means we break a fundamental rule of the Man Box which is to have control over women and girls. The pushback? “You’re a simp, a cuck, not a real man.”

This suppressing fire of our domination-based culture of masculinity works because as long as we stay on the sidelines, keep quiet, we can be comfortable, have an easier life. We can be “good men.”

I understand as well as anyone the anxiety men have about being policed and attacked by the bullies in our larger social/professional circles. But, staying silent comes with a steep price. Silence in the face of abuse towards women empowers the abuser.

The distinction between men having a collective responsible for ending violence against women and men being collectively guilty for the fact this it is ongoing is this. We step across the line into being guilty when we see abusive behavior against women going on two feet away from us and say nothing. When it's happening right in front of us and we don't speak up. (There doesn’t even have to be a women present. It can just be trash talking women, for example.) Did we turn away? Did we remain silent?

Now scale that up to the cultural/societal level. Are we equally complicit if we are not actively working to end the epidemic levels of violence against women, against non-binary people, against all of us? Why would scale be an excuse for us? It shouldn’t be.

A good man isn’t silent/neutral/passive, standing in front of a burning building and doing nothing, confident that because he didn’t set the fire he is a good man. He grabs a bucket and helps fight the fire or he has failed himself and his community.

And the life we save may well be our own. The cost we pay for our silence, and the cost paid by the people who’s lives we impact, is devastating. The bullying silence of man box culture costs millions of men lives of rich connection and expression. It costs us fully connected, authentic lives. Instead, we buy into dominating others as the primary way to validate masculinity. The result is deeply isolating and unhealthy. We live shorter, lonelier, more violent lives.

Men. If you want to be free of Man Box culture, you can reach out to groups like The Mankind Project. There are many other groups like it. Find your circle of men doing men’s work. Find a therapist who understands men’s issues. There are many great books. Make the choice to find your voice and find your freedom.

Want to learn more about Man Box culture? Links to our books, podcast, YouTube videos and more are here: linktr.ee/RemakingManhood