Why giving isn't always better than receiving

When we think of giving, we usually think of a transfer of resources from those who have to those who have-not: food for the hungry, shelter for the homeless, money for the poor, and so on. Gallup’s global surveys show that billions of people around the world donate their time, energy, talents, and money to help those in need. Giving is a virtue.

But what about receiving? Here, things get murky. The Fetzer Institute, a nonprofit foundation that promotes individual and community health, put it this way: “We tend to bestow and project all sorts of virtues onto the giver but are largely silent about the virtues of the receiver. We all have heard many times, ‘It is better to give than to receive.’ At first blush, this makes great sense. We want to live in a culture of givers. But though we want to encourage people to give, do we mean to say it is wrong or ‘less good’ to receive?”

Receiving is as essential as giving. Whether it’s better to give than to receive, it’s best to give and receive, especially in the workplace. When we provide information, knowledge, advice, opportunities, referrals, and ideas to others, they are more successful at what they are trying to do. This is called “task-enabling” by my colleague Jane Dutton. But we also need to be task-enabled. We need the inflow of resources to be productive, achieve our objectives, and fulfill our missions in the world.

So, what’s the problem?

The problem isn’t that people won’t help. Many people are willing to help if they are asked, but most people are reluctant to ask for what they need. Research shows that between 70 percent and 90 percent of help given in the workplace is provided in response to requests for help. Unless you are telepathic, you don’t know what others need until they ask. Therefore, workplace generosity is a problem of asking, not a problem of helping. Asking is the master key to the giving-receiving process.

The highest performers are those who are generous, freely giving help, aid, and assistance to others—and who ask for what they need when they need it. They are esteemed for their generosity and their generosity motivates others to respond to their requests. However, our studies show that fewer than 10 percent of working adults are in this “giver-requestor” category. The most common type is what I call the “overly generous giver.” People in this category freely help others, but they don’t ask for what they need. They are well-regarded for their generosity, but they are less productive than they could be because they don’t get the inflow of resources that would enable them to perform at higher levels. And they are likely to suffer burnout. Generosity or compassion burnout is commonplace in the so-called helping professions, such as social work and healthcare providers. Hospice and palliative care nurses are especially susceptible. But generosity burnout is also endemic to the workplace. The remedy, of course, is to balance giving and receiving. But that’s hard to do for overly generous givers.

Why is it hard to ask for what we need?

Many times we don’t ask because we figure that no one can help. Either they’re unwilling to help or unable to help. Field experiments by Frank Flynn and colleagues have debunked this common belief, demonstrating that others—even strangers—are quite willing and able to help. In my favorite study, participants had to approach strangers in New York City and ask to borrow their cellphones. All they could do is ask. They couldn’t elaborate, plead, or beg. If you participated in this study, how many strangers do you think you would have to ask to get a cellphone? Most estimates are much higher than the number it actually takes—which is only one or two. Other studies demonstrated the same thing: we typically underestimate others’ ability and willingness to help.

Another obstacle to asking is our fear that we will look foolish, incompetent, or simply unable to do our jobs. Here, too, research debunks this common belief. A study by a team from Wharton and Harvard found that people will think you are more competent, not less, as long as you make a thoughtful, intelligent request. Of course, asking for something trivial or something that you really should know how to do won’t raise perceptions of your competence. But a thoughtful request will because it shows that you are self-confident, know your limits, and know when a problem can be solved more effectively and quickly by asking for help rather than continuing to slog it out on your own.

It is liberating to know that most people are willing and able to help, and that making a good request elevates perceptions of competence. Yet that’s not enough. You also have to know what to ask for and why you are asking. What are your goals for your job, career, family, health, and spirituality or religion? What are the details of your positive vision of your future? What are you trying to accomplish, and by when?

The lack of clear, authentic goals makes you Alice in Wonderland when she came to a fork in the road and asked the Cheshire cat, “Which road do I take?” When the cat asked Alice where she wanted to go and she didn’t know, the feline replied, “Then it doesn’t matter.” Clear goals not only help you decide which road to take, but they also provide structure and meaning to life. Psychologists have shown that having clear, authentic goals is also a prescription for happiness and satisfaction in life.

Ultimately, asking for help is a habit that is learned through practice. Learning to ask for help was the best lesson Ji Hye Kim absorbed on the way to becoming a managing partner at Zingerman’s Community of Businesses in Ann Arbor, Michigan. With more than $65 million in annual sales, Zingerman’s includes a dozen award-winning businesses in the artisanal food and hospitality industry. As Ji Hye (“Gee-Hey”) worked her way up from an entry-level job to becoming an owner and managing partner of the restaurant she envisioned, she made many requests along the way—for advice, a helping hand, training opportunities, recipes, taste testing, internships at established restaurants, educational classes, feedback on her vision, investment capital, and much more. “The most transformational thing I learned,” Ji Hye said, “was [that] being a partner…is not about relinquishing control, which had been my biggest concern. I realized that I’m not an expert at everything. I learned that it’s about being both independent and functioning within a community at the same time. It’s about making better decisions by having access to more information and expertise. . . . [It means] that you’re committing to being a part of the community, engaging in dialogue and giving and accepting help when needed.”

To give and receive makes one a fully participating member of the community. Indeed, as archeologist Richard Leakey wrote, “We are human because our ancestors learned to share their food and their skills in an honored network of obligation.” The circulation of resources through personal, professional, and business networks depends as much on seeking help as it does on providing it.

Wayne Baker is a professor at the University of Michigan Ross School of Business and author of "All You Have to Do Is Ask: How to Master the Most Important Skill for Success" (Currency/Random House, Jan. 14, 2020), from which this essay was adapted. He directs the Center for Positive Organizations, and also cofounded Give and Take Inc., an Ann Arbor-based technology firm.