Why friends at work matter

To some, the question of whether or not you have a best friend at work just seems silly. They might look at that question in Gallup’s engagement survey and wonder what on earth does friendship have to do with productivity and getting stuff done?

Anthropologically speaking, quite a lot, really. Encouragingly, the quantitative data is starting to back that up. Microsoft’s Work Trend Index in Autumn 2022 found that 74 percent of global employees were willing to go to the office more frequently if their work friends would be there. Gallup’s own data showed respondents who claimed to have a best friend at work were more likely to be satisfied with their current job and to stay at their current company.

Put simply, a sense of connection and relationships with people at work matters more than you might think. As a cultural anthropologist, one of my mantras is that ‘work is social and relational.’ When we think about the future of work and what that entails, we need to expand our thinking and recognise that work isn’t just about what we do, or where, when and how we do it, or even why we work in the first place.

We also need to think about the who of work – and that includes who we work with and who we work for. After all, the old adage warns us that people don’t leave jobs, they leave managers – and that’s a statement about relationships as much as it is technical competence or expertise.

Is it any surprise that TV shows like The Office and Parks and Recreation were so popular and continue to resonate with us a decade later? They’re not just relatable situations and engaging characters, but they also demonstrate a deeper theme of friendships with the people we work with.

Friendship is a deep human need – and we’re increasingly stretched for it

At our root, we’re social beings. We don’t do well alone, and the pandemic and its enforced isolation stretched and stunted us when it comes to feeling a sense of connection. Post-pandemic, we don't have the same rhythms and routines of social interaction that we used to as we work hybrid/remote schedules. It’s such an acute issue that a few months ago, the US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy noted a silent epidemic of loneliness and its potentially devastating impact on our health and wellbeing, not just mentally but physiologically.

Generationally, Millennials and Gen Z-ers are increasingly being called ‘the loneliest generation’ with various reports citing between 51 percent of Millennials and 54 percent of Gen Z-ers reporting that they regularly or often feel lonely. Even dating apps are responding to this and adding friendship features to their apps, with Bumble claiming that 15 percent of its users also using its BFF mode. It’s fair to think that the increase of remote/hybrid working patterns over the last few years has had a role in driving this shift in friendship apps as well.

While some critics may see the workplace and its focus on productivity as unrelated to these wider trends, people are holistic beings. We don’t just leave our personal lives, moods and emotions at the door or offline when we walk or log in to work, and the best leaders and bosses recognise that. If people are facing wellbeing challenges outside of work, those are going to influence performance and productivity.

I’m not saying the workplace is the solution to our wider challenge and need for social connection, but if we're social beings, it's part of the bigger picture.

When we start to think about the who of the workplace, we start to see the workplace as a social sphere and environment for social interaction that plays its part in our holistic sense of wellbeing and connection.

Friendships need time and space to grow

We need to acknowledge that who we work for and who we work with are a vital part of our work experience. That means the quality of our relationships at work is important – not just for issues such as inclusion, belonging and wellbeing that sceptics may label ‘fluffy’ – but for some harder metrics such as retention, attrition and productivity.

Some companies and managers respond to that truth with imposed fun, but what’s more important (and arguably more effective) is giving people the time and space to build those friendships at work themselves. Sure, that can mean after-work drinks or facilitating team days, but bonds can form when people lunch together or go for a walk if people have the time, space and permission. That’s part of why the proverbial water cooler and coffee pot were so missed when we started working remotely.

It’s easy to overlook the repeated interaction and elapsed time that people often need to feel comfortable with each other and become safe enough to open up about their opinions on a project, let alone who they are outside of work. For example, managers may assume that if no one asks questions or shares learnings in the weekly stand-up the first few times, that no one wants or needs it. There’s also the temptation to get so task-orientated that we forget the people involved, and that’s increasingly under pressure in the remote/virtual world of the often brief, point-to-point, task-related interactions we usually have on Teams or Slack.

Years ago, after I first graduated university, I did an unpaid internship in a faith-based charity where I mentored students a few years younger than me. While everyone else’s mentoring sessions lasted an hour, I always gave us two hours – one to just hang out, play video games and eat food, and the other to do the ‘real’ mentoring work to have those deeper conversations about faith and their struggles, whether that was their relationships, their academic work and anything and everything in between. I was effectively their life coach, and our relationship started as a list of names on a slip of paper I was handed.

My rationale with that hang-out time was that it made zero sense for these guys I just met to share their deepest struggles and thoughts with me unless they knew me and took the time to get comfortable with me. Trust takes time to build, but once it's there, it lasts. Most of those relationships for colleagues only lasted for a year, but in my case, because of the extra time we spent together, I kept in touch with them for many years afterwards, even after I moved abroad, and I was even in their weddings. What some of my colleagues called ‘empty’ or ‘wasteful’ time was priceless in building those relationships.

Getting around the challenge of hybrid/remote for building friendships

One of the challenges of hybrid and remote work is that space isn’t organically there the same way it was when people spent eight hours a day in the same place. The repeated interaction happens less frequently, and the quality of our interactions isn’t typically as long or as deep when we’re sending messages on Slack. (Could you imagine Jim and Pam [or Tim and Dawn, if you prefer] sparking a friendship the same way over Teams?)

That doesn’t mean your people can’t develop meaningful connections in a hybrid work pattern, but it does require some thought and intentionality. While it’s a complex challenge, here are some thoughts on how you can foster better connection among your people:

For leaders and managers, stress the importance of connection as part of why time in the office together matters in your communication if you haven’t already. But more importantly, follow it up by giving people the time, space and permission to have meaningful social interactions at the office. There’s nothing worse than saying it’s important but creating an environment that contradicts that message. Practically, it’s worth exploring:

• How you can slightly adjust your expectations on productivity for when people are in the office. No one wants to trek through their extra hours of commuting just to come into the office and answer emails for 8 hours a day. Don't take why people should come into the office for granted. If you haven't taken time to re-define what the office is for, be intentional about it.
• Likewise, too many meetings can also be suffocating – people need time and space to breathe as well as permission to take a break together for lunch or a coffee. Sure, we’re all adults, but people can also feel the pressure to eat lunch at their desk if they see everyone else doing the same.

If you’re a leader or manager, verbal permission is important but leading by example sets an even stronger tone. If you as a leader or manager take time for lunch or take time to socially invest in your people, that can really supercharge your culture and team dynamic.

And finally, if you’re reading this and you’re new to your company or you’re in the earlier stages of your career, I really encourage you to try and spend as much time in the office as you can to build and develop relationships with those around you. And remember, it’s not only about you getting to know your colleagues, but it's also about them getting to know you. You never know where those friendships may take you throughout your career!