Why A Focus On Presence Is More Important Than Ever For Parents and Leaders

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Before my son Pax was born, a friend offered me some valuable parenting advice to assuage my stress over the immense responsibility of shaping a small human. “At some point your kids will stop listening to what you say,” he said. “But kids are shaped more by watching what you do than paying attention to what you say." This is especially true in difficult situations – character and leadership show up when we navigate competing priorities and make tough decisions. Kids observe their parents making a bazillion choices under pressure and that, more than anything, forms who they are.

Knowing this set me on a path to intentionally cultivate my parenting presence – particularly given the current demands of our always-on smartphone world. And I knew that many of the same principles would apply at work, too. The simple fact is, so much of leadership is about presence. How you show up and what you do is often more impactful than what you say.

But it’s gotten infinitely harder to put good intentions into practice as we navigate the realities of today’s digital environment. We’re all on our phones more than we were a few years ago; the average American adult now spends more time on their phone (3 hours and 19 minutes per day), than they do watching TV (3 hours and 7 minutes per day). And the trendline is going in the wrong direction.

Yet despite the potentially disastrous outcomes of fuzzy, distracted parenting (not to mention?distracted leadership), so many of us struggle to break free from the addicting nature of our devices to make the time and space for the things right in front of us.?

You don’t need to be a leader or a parent to see how phones eat away at our focus. For me, the negative impact on my kids was enough to make me change my own behavior. About six months ago, I set more boundaries around how and when I would use social media on my phone. And although I am happy with the changes, I’ll admit it’s an everyday struggle. Here’s how my journey to presence has unfolded.

It started with awareness

I began by observing my behaviors and emotions. It’s not difficult to see that the constant buzzing of my phone makes me stressed, anxious and often oblivious. I need the space and mental bandwidth to really focus on my relationships and connections with my kids, my wife and my teammates at work. And I knew that I was losing valuable time every day due to social media’s inherently addictive qualities.?

We’re at a point where we can’t live without our devices for daily communication, but we need to understand that they were designed to exploit our psychological impulses and vulnerabilities. They’ve gone beyond functional tools and have become the singular thing we default to when news happens, when we need an instant fix, when we’re lonely or bored, or when we’re seeking validation. Americans now check their phones an average of 96 times per day – once every 10 minutes!???

That’s not only a productivity killer, it’s also a massive threat to our real-life commitments. As much as I’d like to be in the know on pertinent online conversations and news, I can’t be on my phone incessantly and run a company effectively. Nor can I be the kind of parent I want to be, and I knew my kids would ultimately lose out in the long run.?

Parental controls for adults

My wife and I both committed to some usage rules for our devices at home: docking our phones until the kids were in bed, and drastically limiting our phone time at home. After all, we have screen-time rules in place for the kids (and some social channels are starting to enforce their own, too), so why shouldn’t we have rules for ourselves?

Our self-imposed boundaries meant our devices would stay in their chargers except for phone calls. No more scrolling on the couch, no more phones or chargers in the bedroom and no more engaging in endless social media banter. I deleted all my social channels except LinkedIn, and attempted to make peace with the ensuing fomo.?

While I know the effort to restrict my phone time will pay off (and to some degree, has already), the cost hasn’t been negligible. I’ll admit it hasn’t been easy to stick with the restrictions – especially when there are work-related fires or big industry news. As a company leader, the act of disconnecting can feel scary – what if I missed an important development??

I still break the rules sometimes, but these are now norms that my wife and I help enforce with one another. And the payoff is invaluable: for starters, I got 10 hours back in my week that I can spend with my family or on deep work.

A work in progress?

I’ve come to realize that making the effort to be present is going to require a lifetime’s commitment – and an acceptance of the fact that I will sometimes fall off the wagon. As long as smartphones and social media continue to rob us of our attention, the struggle to remain present will persist.?

Psychologist Jonathan Haidt offers a useful analogy for framing this elemental battle. In his book The Righteous Mind, he refers to the elephant and the rider to illustrate how our rational and irrational brains face an intense struggle for control. While the rational brain, or the rider, can see the logical way forward, the irrational brain, or the elephant, runs on emotions and pure instinct – and it’s a powerful force that often overrides the rational rider. Overcoming the instinct to check our digital devices requires sustained effort from our rational brain. Some days it wins. Other days, not so much.??

Although I can attest to the fact that I’m often calmer and able to think more rationally, my inner elephant continues to pull the reins from time to time. But when my rider is in control, and without the phone there to hijack my emotions and heighten my anxiety, I really appreciate the ability to focus deeply without distraction. And so do my kids.?

Do I miss Twitter sometimes? Sure. And some days I am out of the loop. But the benefits of sidelining my phone do outweigh the need for instant gratification. How I show up – for my kids and for my colleagues – is more in line with the kind of leader and parent I aspire to be. And the cost of being slightly removed from the news is not that big a penalty to pay.

Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear what you’re seeing in your own industry, so feel free to pop into the comments below. For more news and ideas around WebOps and the intersection of tech and society, be sure to?subscribe.