Why Fire in the House Is Not Always Bad: Turning Conflicts into Opportunities

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where conflict seemed inevitable, only to wonder if it could lead to something better? Many of us view disputes as roadblocks, but what if they could become bridges? The way we approach conflict often determines whether it divides us or brings us closer together.

As a community mediator, I once facilitated a discussion between two neighbors locked in a difficult dispute. A couple living upstairs was frustrated by smoke from the downstairs family’s home, which seeped into their apartment and triggered their young children’s asthma. The downstairs family, in turn, felt they were exercising their right to smoke in their home. It was a classic case where both sides had valid concerns, yet the situation seemed irreconcilable.

I was warned before the session that it would likely be tough, as one party had already expressed doubts about reaching a resolution. However, what unfolded surprised me. Both parties began the conversation with unexpected empathy. The couple expressed their concern for their children’s health without being accusatory, while their neighbors indicated that they had tried to address the issue by asking family members to smoke in different areas of the home.

What followed was remarkable. The two sides, with minimal intervention from me, collaboratively crafted a solution: the downstairs family agreed to restrict smoking to certain times and locations to reduce its impact, and the couple agreed to ease restrictions during hours when their children were out of the home. By the end of the session, not only had they resolved the issue, but they exchanged contact information, promising to communicate directly in the future.

Reflecting on this experience, I am reminded of William Ury’s Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict. Ury introduces a three-part framework for transforming conflict, focusing on unlocking the potential within ourselves, between people, and in the community around us:

1. Go to the Balcony

This strategy unlocks the potential within us by stepping back to gain perspective. Ury emphasizes three natural powers that help us do this effectively:

Pause: Take a moment to stop and reflect before you act. This interrupts reactive impulses and creates the clarity needed to see the situation objectively.

Zoom In: Focus on your deeper interests and needs. Understanding why you are in the conflict and what you want helps center your actions.

Zoom Out: Step back to observe the bigger picture. This includes seeing the interconnected dynamics of the situation and assessing long-term impacts.

2. Build a Golden Bridge

This step focuses on unlocking the potential between parties by creating a pathway that makes resolution appealing and achievable for everyone involved. The three natural powers within this step are:

Listen: Deeply hear the needs of others. Begin the conversation where their mind is, not where yours is. Listening builds respect and trust, essential for meaningful resolution.

Create: Use creativity to invent options for mutual gain. Once the parties’ needs and perceptions are understood, craft solutions that work for both sides.

Attract: Make it easy for others to say “yes.” Simplify the decision-making process by presenting appealing solutions that address potential obstacles.

3. Engage the Third Side

This final strategy unlocks the potential around us by involving the broader community or neutral parties to help mediate and support resolution. The three powers of this step are:

Host: Welcome and connect all parties in a neutral and inclusive space where everyone feels heard.

Help: Assist in building a bridge by guiding the discussion, offering constructive feedback, and supporting reconciliation efforts.

Swarm: Mobilize collective influence and ideas. A united effort from internal and external third sides can create momentum to resolve even the toughest conflicts.

These steps form a logical sequence: pausing allows for clarity, creating fosters collaboration, and engaging mobilizes the support needed to sustain resolution. Together, they provide a comprehensive roadmap for navigating conflict and unlocking its transformative potential.

While this framework worked beautifully in this instance, not all conflict resolution sessions go as smoothly. Many mediations falter due to a lack of genuine effort from the parties involved or a poorly constructed process. Without the willingness to collaborate or a clear method to guide the discussion, disputes often devolve into unproductive blame games.

Three Strategies for Leaders to Turn Conflict into Opportunity

1. Accept Conflict as a Natural Part of Leadership: Conflict is not inherently bad. It is an inevitable aspect of leadership and work. Rather than avoiding it, leaders should embrace conflict as an opportunity for growth, progress, and understanding. Shifting this mindset allows leaders to use conflict constructively.

2. Use Conflicts to Find Commonalities: Seek out shared goals or values that both parties can resonate with. Conflict often uncovers underlying principles that can unite people. Leaders can leverage these commonalities to build stronger bridges and encourage collaboration.

3. Use Conflicts to Identify Complementary Differences: Differences do not have to be divisive—they can create synergy. When approached constructively, opposing perspectives can reveal solutions that are innovative and mutually beneficial. Leaders should help parties see how their differences might complement one another rather than compete.

Conflict is like a fire in your house. It’s not necessarily bad to have a fire—it depends on where and how you manage it. A fire in the bedroom can cause panic and destruction, but a well-controlled fire in the kitchen can create warmth and sustenance. Leadership is about placing conflict in the right context, managing it thoughtfully, and using its energy constructively. With the right approach, conflict can illuminate the path to progress rather than engulf it in flames.