Why feelings matter at work

The conversations around one of the most important signals you, and only you, can read and assess at work are often treated like it's either worth no one's time, or too uncomfortable to even bring up. It's about your feelings. We've heard it all—that somehow showing how you feel at work is unprofessional across the board, that it is too feminine, a sign of weakness, god forbid a man should cry at work, that it doesn't belong. These conversations are mostly about expressions of your emotions outwardly, and how that makes someone else feel as a result. But what about the feelings that you carry with you inside, not necessarily for anyone to see or experience at the same time as you—call them your inner voice, your gut, intuition, there's a number of different ways to talk about this. This is what I wanted to talk about today. That listening to these feelings in work situations matter a great deal.

One question I've learned to ask myself before, during, and after certain conversations or meetings at or around work is this: "How does this conversation or situation make me feel?" Sometimes I feel an enormous sense of dread and an incredible pull to bury my head away from a difficult conversation I am anticipating. Other times I am suddenly flooded with a sense of urgency and annoyance like no other, and while at times it's amplified by environmental factors in specific situations (eg. I did not get enough sleep the night before), the point is that it brought to the surface something that was already there.

So the second question I ask myself is: "Why does this conversation or situation make me feel this way?" This is about getting to the why behind the what. For example, in the case of that sense of dread before a meeting, by now I recognize it as that familiar, physiological reaction to something I, too, as a human being, still feel even though I've gotten quite good at addressing tough topics head on, no matter who the audience is. The feeling does not stop me from getting the work done. The feeling simply tells me that something about the topic or the audience is tugging at the string of similar, past experiences I had found in. My feelings are simply raising awareness (used to be alarms but it's more like a beep) to be ready for it. In situations when I'm feeling that sense of urgency and annoyance, I now recognize it as one that's hitting the third rail of my work pet peeves such as mediocrity or avoiding difficult topics (see how far I've come)—both are subjects requiring their own newsletter someday soon.

Like any skills you work on and develop over time, you can get better at listening to your own feelings and choosing to use those insights as a part of your decision making. It's been one of the most reliable signals I rely on as I continue to grow and navigate in my own career. Earlier in my career, I was promoted to a new role and had a bit of a differing point-of-view about my scope of role vs. how the new manager saw it at the time. Let's just say that where and how this manager chose to have that conversation with me taught me more about this person and their experience as a manager than any other interactions I've had in my time there. It made me feel small, and I knew I was not that. In the end, I still made the most of my time in that role, but that was one of the first moments I started to think that this company was going to be too small for me to continue to grow in—not small in size but in mindset. Another time, I turned down what I thought was my dream job at the time, because despite what the company told me ("You're our top choice and we need you") they were unwilling to negotiate at all on any of my compensation package. I would have had to take a pay cut and uproot my family, and although my family has always been incredibly supportive of my decisions and choices in work, something just didn't feel quite right. It wasn't necessarily about the money in and of itself, but again, how the interactions left me feeling. There was a noticeable gap between what they said vs. what they did, what I felt was the potential value of the work and what I could do to contribute, and it made me feel this may not be the only or last time I might feel like this if I go to work there. After I turned that job down, I regretted for it nearly a year...at which point I discovered that the key decision maker with whom I was negotiating ended up leaving the company because of some allegations of misconduct.

And by the way, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that feelings aren't just about avoiding bad things. My feelings at or around work have absolutely led me to some celebration worthy outcomes, including matching teammates to the right next opportunity that also serve our business goals, making connections with a key stakeholder over something that was not at all related to work, or simply being able to steer a conversation, in the present, because both of us in the meeting chose to listen and acknowledge our feelings in the matter and addressed them head on as a part of processing our decisions and actions.

By asking myself these questions, I am choosing to not ignore my own feelings. But sometimes it's difficult to capture exactly how you're feeling and describing it, on top of staying present in the conversations or meetings you're in. One simple tactic I utilize is to take notes on the substance of the meeting while I am in it, including key takeaways, observations, follow-ups, plus some notations around either my own feelings about the situation, or observations about other people's interactions that seem to tell you something about how they feel. It doesn't take more than a few words, just a few bullet points. The most important part is what you do with it after—and perhaps one of the most powerful arguments for why you need to build in some breaks in between meetings or at the end of each day. Sit down and review your notes from the day, and give yourself the time to reflect and process the feelings part of the meeting. I've gained so many more insights about the situation, about myself, about other people than if I had simply brushed aside those signals and rushed to my next thing—because in most workplaces, the work isn't just about the substance of the output or the outcomes. It's all about who's there and what their incentives and motivations are, and what roles they play in shaping the work we do together.