Why the Family Court is the Next Battleground for Equality and Economic Impact

As social justice movements have emerged to response to the desire and need for equality, I stand before you as an advocate of families, those separating and have divorced, to say that the desire for equality needs to include those whose stories have and will take them through what is the family court system of the United States. It is a system ravished with inconsistencies whose procedures change not with the times, but with the individuals who bargain with people's lives outside of it, supported by the inequities of the have's and have-not's. Sadly, the disparities of race, gender, and income are highlighted in the statistics away from the system in the form of incarceration, suicide, homelessness, just to name a few. It is a system that government created to solve a problem of inequality, yet produced another that perpetuates more hate, anger, sadness, and loss. In today's world, it is important to remember that government's responsibility is not to necessarily create a solution, but to get out of the way for those to pursue life, liberty, and happiness, if anything, with their family.

For a system created to solve the problem of inequality, it is ironic that those in said system do not want to be there in the first place, regardless of side. While absolutes are hard to measure, it is at least safe to say that people do not go through the highs and lows of getting married and starting families to see it all crumble and end in what is, by far, the most impactful event of a families life cycle (if it were to occur). After witnessing the breakdown of something that was never sought or dreamt about, the parties enter into the system they don't want to be in, created by those from afar claiming equality and equity, only to rob people of money and, their most valuable commodity, time - especially when talking about the children whose involvement is innocent, yet now are at the heart of parental hierarchy and financial success and detriment.

The injustices are lengthy, as they come one right after another like children in line waiting to sit on Santa Claus' lap to tell him what they want for Christmas. Yet, ironically, they all tell Santa that the only thing they want is to be with both parents, and Santa - the court - says that can't happen. Sure, those from afar who created this system that claims equality and equity through popular phrases like "best interests of the children" will revert the cases to the neutral party - the judge - but have no idea (or care) that over 90% of people going through the system never see the neutral party. The judge never sees the people, hears their stories, sees their emotions, nor feels their commitment to the innocent ones.

Battle lines are drawn and due process a figment of their imagination.

One side is told by their hired-court-necessity that not only are they in the right, but fight for it all as in the end the outcome of dominance proves equality. The other side is told by their hired-court-necessity the exact same thing. These hired "help", who remember work in a system whose mission phrase includes "best interests of the children", in no way include anything related to the children in their process, yet will invoke "the kids" as a means to financially exploit the other when the opportunity presents itself and attached fear and negative stigma to opposing sides in order to win at all costs.

"Your children deserve..."

"Your ex can't..."

"You should..."

While these people who are out to "help" those in the system vow to advocate for you, the bottom line is the system was built to have them. While people have the right to go at it alone, the fact remains that without them, your chances of success diminishes faster than a politician who backtracks on some "fact" they just preached in a debate. They truly are a hired-court-necessity.

The average divorce case is 12 months. One year of people's lives consumed with hate, anger, sadness, and loss. One year of never seeing the neutral party, yet the hate, anger, sadness, and loss now comes with a financial price tag totaling (on average) $15,000/party - $30,000 in total - that goes toward those hired-court necessities. $15,000 that 99% of people in this country do not have readily available in an account, but rather must scrape, borrow, charge, and finance to pay off, with nearly 60% unable to fulfill even those terms with help and therefore will begin a new set of problems and challenges that will be compiled with the issues that come out of the court process, including alimony, child support, and garnishments, not to mention martial debt, fines, loss wages due to time away from work, tax implications, and on and on and on.

Parents - regardless of gender - spend their lives looking forward to playing on the floor with Barbies, teaching Superman flying techniques, and guiding their flesh and blood to the bathroom hour after hour after hour to make sure their potty-training schedule succeeds, yet are now in a system in which the requirements stipulate they must choose between their next meal or paying that next electric bill and helping their everything with the science project, learning to drive, and showing up to cheer on their next free-throw shot.

Parents shouldn't have to choose between food on their table and time with their children.

The economic impact of a social justice movement in the family court system would be monumental. To start, parents wouldn't spend their children's college tuition on fighting over being a parent. Parents wouldn't lose licenses to drive the car to the job they need to put food on the table for their child who they are taking to soccer practice after dinner. Parents wouldn't be placed in debtors prison for not paying on child support that they absolutely have every intention to pay, but can't due to lawyer bills, court costs, credit card payments, tuition bills, and school supplies. Parents wouldn't be returning to their hired-court-necessity when they felt overlooked at the next parent-teacher conference, or doctor's appointment, or college visitation day. And we haven't even touched on the fact that children of divorce, if given access to both parents and minimize the court's involvement, are more likely to succeed in school and work, less likely to divorce themselves, and most importantly - live, just to name a few.

• [Suicide rates for children of highly contested divorces that support the minimization of time with one or both parents is nearly three times higher than the normal suicide rate of children.]

I'm tired of hearing the deadbeat myth, especially for fathers, but it is true for all. I am tried of defending those who shouldn't need defending in the first place (i.e. parents). And I am especially tired of hearing from those from afar who refuse to make necessary and needed changes to a system because of some political fear and pressure that has absolutely nothing to do with the rights to due process in a system that watches out for "the best interests of the children". Of course there are bad apples - examples of deadbeat parents and (cough) moral and righteous politicians, so don't assume those aren't out there, as absolutes are difficult to measure, but due process should be something sought and approved of within the confines of equality and equity.

You want to talk systemic change? It is time for everyone to buy into the belief that those living the problem are best situated to define it and in turn solve it. That means those high on their horse from afar need to come on down to the real world and listen to the father fighting for his right to be a part of his daughters' lives. That means those who "think" they are doing good need to listen to what will actually do good when a mother says she knows the positive impact the other parent has on the children while she holds down a full-time job herself.

• For those whose responsibilities are to change legislation. Do your job.
• For those whose responsibilities are to advocate for their client. Do your job, but do it with conviction, values, morals, and a commitment to do no harm - especially while doing what is in "the best interests of the children".
• For those who are living this - advocate and use your voice.
• For those children of divorce who have so many people looking out for your"best interests", but are now estranged from one or both parents, knee deep in debt due to your parents' inability to support, supplement, and help out, out on your own to be adult years before you should have, struggling with your own relationship issues or going through your own divorce in what is undeniably its own systemic problem, or wondering how a system that was supposed to help you actually hurt you - yell out loud for change.

It is time for everyone to buy into the belief that those living the problem are best situated to define it and in turn solve it. Educate the uneducated. Teach the teachable. But stop trying to parent the parents who want nothing more than be just that - parents. The impact will be far reaching in regards to equality and economics.