Why Expressing Difficult Emotions is NOT Complaining

Many of us have been raised with the belief that “complaining is wrong”. The problem is that “complaining” has come to be defined as almost any expression of suffering, frustration, confusion, or the like, creating a significant barrier in allowing us all to healthily express our more challenging emotions.

I don’t say negative emotions, because anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, etc. are not negative. They just are. As real, authentic, legitimate, and important as joy, gratitude, or generosity.

Yet the pressure to deny, or utterly ignore these emotions, causes enormous challenges in actually overcoming them and moving forward.

In this post, we will explore the difference between “complaining” and “verbalizing” and how healthy expression of difficulty can actually bring you to greater heights. To be sure, we are not here considering those going through terrible grief or tragedy, for which another set of considerations and care must be applied.

So what is complaining?

We have all had this experience, hearing others or even ourselves, spouting out a range of grievances about our lives, others, or even our society or world as a whole, and feeling the sense of frustration and helplessness that can come with it.

The common response is to either feed the fire, agreeing and intensifying the frustration at hand, or trying to placate it with “positive messages” that often fall on deaf ears. And sometimes, we don’t even know how to respond. This is not to say that these responses are wrong. Sometimes we genuinely, even passionately, sympathize. Other times we deeply want to look for hope and answers.

But how do we distinguish a healthy verbalization of struggle from the notion of “complaining” that most of us have been taught to shun?

We define complaining as “the closed, repetitive expression of struggle and blame, with an absence of consideration of others or potential solutions”.

So let’s break it down. There are three fundamental aspects of complaining that can help you recognize it:

1. External blame – complaining is all about blaming others with a distinct lack of awareness or acknowledgement of how one may contribute to the situation or at the very least, move past it. There is no felt or expressed intention to find relief, answers or improve in any way, and often times, the very act of complaining is an act of absolution from the responsibility and possibility to feel better. Even if one is blaming themselves, they never actually consider what they can do about it. It doesn’t mean that we always have responsibility or power in a given situation, but the utter lack of consideration for the other perspective or how we may contribute to it or in improving it is one element to help you recognize this.
2. Helplessness – whether genuine or decided, complainers continuously ignore or absolve themselves willingly of any choice, ability or responsibility to improve their circumstances, at least for themselves, by making even the slightest choices or changes towards improvement. Some really don’t see their ability to do so, others don’t want to face the honesty, courage, and effort required for it. But either way, the effect is that THIS is essentially not their problem to solve, only to complain about.
3. Repetition – this is perhaps the easiest fundamental of complaining to recognize: that the complainer continues to air out the usual grievances, over and over again, without any commitment to change…even towards accepting what they cannot change and therefore relieving their own suffering. In addition, the very repetition (sometimes verbatim) of the same blaming and helpless messages, serves as a relief in and of itself, at the expense of their patient audience.

So what does healthy verbalizing of difficult emotions look like?

Every single one of us will continue to experience difficulty throughout our lives. This is hard to admit, but it is a part of life for EVERYONE. During these moments we may often need, at the very least, a compassionate ear or perhaps even guidance in the form of gentle or even more direct advice or simple counter perspectives. And this is critical to getting better.

It’s true that a lot of people still struggle to listen actively and will often not hear us and rush to assumptions, unwanted opinions and insights that don’t actually help. Sometimes they even make you feel worse.

But it is in our own best interest to understand how better to recognize these important situations, for ourselves and others, where verbalizing what is hard is the key to getting better.

So how do we define the healthy verbalization of challenging emotions?

For us, it is simply a “sincere expression of difficulty with a genuine desire to resolve it, or at least, rise above it”.

There are three things to help you recognize this:

1. Heartfelt and insightful – if you listen hard enough, you will hear that the person is genuinely concerned if not outright suffering, even if it is not a grave situation. They are fundamentally expressing a pain, instead of a recurring need for validation. They may be confused, shocked, disappointed, sad, angry, or the like, but their primary need is to say out loud what ails them, with the hope that doing so will bring relief, clarity and resolution, as it often does.
2. Personal responsibility – you will often find that people verbalizing healthily will at least in some way consider the other, question their own contribution, play with ideas of ways to improve it or simply look for clarity and takeaways. They do not want this to continue, and they may also be directly or indirectly looking for guidance. Sometimes, if appropriate, I ask people if they are interested in hearing some feedback and, if you ask them gently, many often are. Other times, listening is enough but if we dig deep, we can often sense the difference between what feels like meaningless unloading vs. valued accompaniment. In most cases, at the very least, they themselves will recognize things they have learned, ways they have grown, or simple gratitude that the frustration has passed if that is the case.
3. It’s not incessant – those needing to verbalize, by the very desire to actually resolve and relieve their suffering, will not be driven to continuously repeat the same grievances. While it’s absolutely normal that certain enduring or especially impactful circumstances may find their way into the conversation again, the overall feeling is that the person airing them is doing so out of recognition, not a continuous habit of using the circumstance to absolve themselves of the idea that they can, eventually, move forward. We’re not talking about people being artificially positive. Not at all. Rather a genuine sense of the desire to rise above, if moving on is too difficult.

So why is this so important?

The first steps to answers are questions. The first step to recovery is recognition. This is not my rule, it is what has been shown over and over again, in both personal and professional circumstances. The enormous power of “finally saying it out loud”, more than anything, for your own ears, is priceless and proven.

Yet our fear of “burdening” others and being unnecessarily “dramatic” affects a great many of us. And the fear that naming our pain will give it power, keep us enslaved.

The old concept of being strong, by being stone cold, is flawed. Absolutely there are times when it is too hard or too risky to face an emotion until we are ready for it. Each person’s emotional journey is their own. But too often, for the desire to protect others including ourselves, we forego the very necessary catharsis and wisdom of facing what we truly feel and experience.

When one fails to do this, it is only a matter of time until the costs add up. Stress symptoms, burnout, crisis, chronic anxiety, depression, physical maladies, cooled relationships, lost inspiration and an overall disconnection from ourselves and our lives.

As Brene Brown says very well, our desire to keep things safe, controlled and perfect, numbing the feelings beneath, shuts us off from not only the hard feeling in life but the beautiful ones as well.

And while we all feel the need for that sometimes, as a strategy for the long-term, I daresay the costs outweigh the benefits.

So what do I recommend?

These simple practices may feel awkward at first, but over time become second nature and even necessary.

1. Check in with yourself – you may be showering, in the car, taking a walk, whatever, but ask yourself “how am I doing?”. In moments where there is some time to think, even a little, check in and voice out loud what you feel. It may not be much at the time, but it will train you to consider and express things on a more regular basis.
2. Create your Tribe and Connect – your Tribe we define as all and any who truly, selflessly want you to succeed and be happy. They may not be many and could include your spouse, family, certain friends and colleagues, contracted professionals, etc. but identify the people who are loving, brave, and honest enough to listen to you patiently, genuinely support you, and offer you feedback that can help you in times of difficulty or simply the happy airing out of inspirations and ideas.
3. Treat yourself to Professional Support – it’s sad that in today’s society we still struggle to actively look for and happily invest in therapists, coaches, acupuncturists, massage therapists, etc. – anyone dedicated to our emotional and holistic wellbeing – while we have no problem going to doctors, dentists, physical trainers, accountants, etc. Somehow, the idea of wanting – not just needing! – but wanting targeted and expert insight about our emotional and spiritual needs and objectives feels like a weakness. All I can say is that great multinationals hire coaches not for problem employees but for their high performers, because it has long been recognized the incredible value of buttressing positive potential, in all its many forms and the unbelievable results this affords. While you may question whether this is worth your time and money, or even if YOU are worth the investment, just know that renovating your house by yourself without expert help will likely cost you more time, money, energy, ease, and security than hiring expert professionals. Well, it’s the same with this.
4. Get away from the Fray – It’s very very difficult to expect revelation while going through the daily strains and stresses of one’s personal and professional life and obligations. Creating space by getting away, even in the most simple and cost-effective ways, for even a short time, has an incredibly positive impact. STOP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Start being, even in small simple reprieves from your usual life, and the realizations will come.

We are always so happy to hear from you, to learn and share your unique experiences and insights, so never hesitate to contact us.

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