Why Expectations Are Unhealthy

First in a three-part series.

Years ago, I had a disagreement with my mother. While I don't recall why, I do remember that at the end of the conversation, she made a comment about her expectations of me. In a huff, I said something to the effect of, "Well, maybe you shouldn't have expectations so you won't get disappointed!" Her response was, "Everyone has expectations." At the time, I didn’t know what to say. My silence was probably tacit agreement.

I never really thought much of that exchange until years later. At our second-ever session at The Junto Institute, Jay Goltz, the instructor, said that one of the most important lessons he learned as a leader was to lower his expectations and raise his standards.

He went on to describe that, most of the time, people didn't meet his expectations which effectively meant they were too high, so he lowered them. And to balance things out, he raised his standards for how he defined performance, and it was working for him.

That day, not only did I remember the conversation with my mom, a light bulb went off for me that hasn't dimmed since: more often than not, expectations are unhealthy.

That day became the basis for what developed into a deeply held conviction, and daily commitment, to not set any expectations and to replace them with standards.

EXPECTATIONS DEFINED

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, an expectation is "the act or state of expecting." And "expect" is defined as:?

• to consider probable or certain;
• to consider reasonable, due, or necessary;
• to consider bound in duty or obligated.

To put it simply, an expectation is a belief that something will happen or that someone will do something. In most cases, that "something" is defined by us and the “someone” is not ourselves. We expect our flight to leave on time, expect our children to listen to us, and expect our meal to be served as we ordered it.

The problem is that the party on the other side of those expectations - the airline, children, and cook staff - aren't always operating with our expectations in mind. And because we don’t control them, there’s little we can do.

EXPECTATIONS AND EMPATHY

Fundamentally, the problem with expectations is that there's no empathy. We don't take the other side into account when setting them nor do we put ourselves in the other parties’ shoes. We’re thinking about ourselves and so it’s a fair conclusion to say that when we have expectations, we’re being emotionally unintelligent.

Looking back to the first weeks and months of the pandemic, I fondly remember that despite what we were collectively going through, there was a ton of empathy. Even though each of us had our own challenges, we could relate to and understand what others’ experiences were like. As someone told me during a Junto session, “We’re in the same storm but experiencing it in different boats.”

Only when we have been in the same storm can we have true empathy. Only when we can understand and can feel what another person’s situation is like can we empathize and be compassionate. This doesn’t just apply in life, it’s also relevant to the workplace. And it’s the reason I believe that having expectations in our professional lives is just as unhealthy.

EXPECTATIONS AT WORK

The following list shows common expectations that managers have of employees (source):

• dependable work performance
• respectful treatment of others
• honesty in interactions
• professional demeanor
• adaptability and accountability
• commitment to teamwork

And here is a select list of expectations that employees have of managers (source):

• recognition and praise
• feedback, mentorship, and training
• hold people accountable
• avoid micromanaging
• effective decision-maker
• be dedicated and balanced

All of the above seem reasonable and ideal, right? What manager wouldn't want a team that displays the first list, and what employee wouldn't want a boss who displays the second list?

The problem is that we all define those expectations differently.?

If I’m a manager, my expectation of professionalism is shaped by the jobs I held before, the places I worked, the bosses I had, the role modeling of my parents, and the belief system I formed early in my career.?

Empathy from both sides is non-existent in this case. First, I’m likely not considering the related experiences and background of professionalism in my employees’ lives. And second, none of them could ever possibly know the complexity and nuances of my own experiences.

Similarly, if I’m an employee who expects my boss to not micromanage me too much because I’m independent, experienced, and talented, that’s shaped by similar dynamics and experiences. And again, I don’t take into account their background nor do they have an awareness of what led to my expectation in the first place.

WHY EXPECTATIONS ARE UNHEALTHY

This lack of social awareness and empathy are what drive the unhealthiness of expectations. Whether it’s in the workplace or at home, they’re a one-sided affair that overemphasize what an individual wants, needs, and hopes...without taking into account the other party.

Obviously, some expectations are met by the people in our lives. But when they're not, we often feel negative emotions - like anger, sadness, disappointment, frustration - that are harmful to us. And in some cases, we become a worse version of ourselves, resulting in behavior or language that can be unhealthy if not harmful.

Over the years, I've assembled a long list of the reasons I believe that expectations are unhealthy, and only recently have I started to categorize them. While those categories shift and morph periodically, I seem to be settling into three main buckets.?

1. Expectations tend to be abstract and subjective.? If you go back to the lists of expectations that managers and employees have of each other, you’ll see that each one is a pretty general statement. They mean different things to different people. They’re hard to define in a consistent manner. They’re based on our biases, experiences, and preferences. And they come across as being measured by what one person thinks or believes rather than something that’s grounded in specifics and agreement. In fact, the only way to know if both parties agree that any of those expectations are met is through a conversation of what is meant by the phrase, in all likelihood turning it into a detailed paragraph or list.
2. Expectations foster an "us vs. them" mindset. Whether it’s managers and employees, parents and children, business partners or life partners, expectations tend to exist between two parties, usually individuals. I rarely hear that a company has expectations because that implies that everyone in the organization agrees on what they are (one of the reasons why “meeting expectations” is toxic for performance management; another conversation for another day ;-). Again, this reinforces that expectations aren’t empathy-based.?It's as if the expectation is a barrier between the two parties, symbolizing a hurdle or obstacle to get over in order to build the relationship.
3. Expectations often result in negative emotions. There are two parts to this. First and foremost, I believe that most expectations aren’t met, leading to disappointment, anger, frustration, and other negative feelings on behalf of the person who set them. Second, when there are expectations resulting from power, hierarchy, or status in a relationship (eg: parent/child, manager/employee, older/younger, etc.), simply knowing there is an expectation often creates anxiety for the person for whom it was set. Furthermore, if the expectation is not met, there is more anxiety, and perhaps even dread, insecurity, fear, guilt, and other negative emotions. All of these emotions are things that don't feel good to us as human beings; they're like a weight on our shoulders. And science is increasingly proving that a high incidence of negative emotions not only affects our mental and physical health, but also our longevity.

Zooming out, let’s go back to the definition of an expectation: something we believe will happen or that someone will do. To expect is to consider something probable, certain, reasonable, and necessary.

Having an expectation rarely takes the other person’s background, experiences, and understanding into account; it often lacks empathy. And that’s why expectations can not only be unhealthy for us but also harmful to our relationships.

So what’s the alternative? What's healthier? Standards.

That’s what I focus on in part two of this series.

What's going through your mind? Based on your experience, how have expectations worked for you? Do you have your own belief system or philosophy about expectations?

Please share your comments below.