Why Everything You Do Is Misunderstood

There is none amongst us whose actions have not been misinterpreted and misunderstood at some point. Whether it was in a relationship, family or business context the fact is that an intention we thought obvious wasn't. By the time we were able to explain it things had taken on their own dynamic. Emotions were high. Trust was lost.

The fact that we have all, at some point, in our life experienced this either as a recipient of misunderstanding or the one who misunderstood is a good indicator of how difficult it is to communicate correctly what what we think and what we feel.

Our thoughts and emotions are not always clear to us. Making them clear to others is, usually, of secondary importance. We usually prefer our actions to speak for us. Yet observable actions can lack context. Without apparent context actions can lack meaning. Yet, nothing stays without meaning for long, no matter how meaningless it may really be.

The reason for this lies in the way the brain works. When we see something we are programmed to make it make sense for us. The brain's sensemaking tendencies stem from its primary function: to help us survive. To do this it tries to predict the next moment. Predicting the future however is a really hard to do. There are just too many variables. Uncertainty is a constant. Ambiguity is an issue.

To explain the energetic cost of this process requires, at least, 10,000 words. The brain however has a really clever way of lowering the amount of energy it spends in calculating, assessing and then committing to memory what it needs. It does it through the use of narrative. Narrative structures have a logical progression that makes them easy to understand and easy to predict. They may sense the same way a rags-to-riches story does. I haven't told you the story, but you already know its shape. You understand its initial phase, progression and end. I summed it up for you in three words that describe the type of narrative it is.

By hearing what kind of story I was about to tell you, your brain conjured up the real-world context in which this makes sense. Had I told you the story next, adding names and dates, events and stages you would have most likely retained less than 10%. That's because you wouldn't have really needed to. The name of the protagonist would have been all you'd have needed.

Narratives Are Sensemaking Shortcuts

Rags-to-riches stories activate in our brain a schema of the sort that Kurt Vonnegut talked about in his lecture on "The Shape of Stories ". The schema is a construct. It is the result of our own real-life experiences and our own understanding of the world and how it works. As such, this schema helps us do two things: First, it acts as a validator. It tells us that there is logic to this that comes of this world. However weird or wild the tale may be it holds water. If it is fictional, we know that it will be of sufficient similarity for us to be able to suspend our disbelief and enjoy it and if it is a true story we know that it will make the kind of sense that will teach us something of value. Second, it acts as an aid. It helps us predict and understand "what comes next". Without these two things we end up with a wildly uncommon and unpredictable narrative we would have to struggle to make sense of.

This brings me then to the predicament of being misunderstood. Our actions are, by definition, observable. But observation only explains the "what" of what we do, not the "why". But this is not how others perceive it. By observing the "what" they extrapolate from their own experiences and understanding and they produce the "why".

In cases where the context is defined sufficiently for boundaries to be introduced this is not an issue. But when then context is ambiguous or, when actions are taken out of context so now there is nothing that might help us understand the reason behind them then misunderstanding is the norm.

What Do We Learn From The Way Others Interpret What They See?

There are several things that can be learnt from this which are applicable, equally, to life and business.

• Context matters. If you don't take the trouble to clearly define it then whatever you do and whatever you communicate is subject to the interpretation of others.
• Narrative is important. We may explain what we do but if there is no narrative that helps our actions immediately make sense then we rely on the willingness of others to do the work necessary to better understand us.
• Empathy is key. Most times we are so wrapped in what we do that we expect others to immediately see the value it presents. Yet, everyone is fighting some battle . By making it easier for them to understand and evaluate we acknowledge the difficulties they face and the struggle they are in.

Every time we are misunderstood, we are partly to blame. Realistically we cannot control how others interpret our actions but we can control how we communicate and explain our own motivation.

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My latest book that draws on cutting-edge neuroscientific research is Intentional: How to Live, Love, Work and Play Meaningfully .