Why empathy isn't a leadership superpower
Redefining Communications
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We were giving a company director in a growing organisation an update about employee interview findings. We knew the feedback was going to be difficult… and personal. After sharing the trends we’d identified with him, the response was, “I don’t really agree, but fine.” On further discussion, he explained he didn’t share the experience of those interviews and refused to accept the reality of the situation. We explained we were simply sharing trends, but he felt we were making things sound true when they weren’t.
Importantly, they weren’t true to him and this is when we stopped the conversation and said that we needed to talk about the empathy gap in the team.
When we say empathy isn’t a mysterious superpower that great leaders have, we mean it’s not a unique ability, it’s actually something that everyone in an organisation needs – especially leaders. Leaders need to be empathetic. And we need more compassion in the workplace.
But with the pressure on those at the top already so huge, is this just piling more on a group of people who are already feeling isolated, unsupported and stressed??
Why are empathetic leaders more trusted?
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, empathy is defined as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” It’s about listening to people; listening to their experiences, and truly believing them even though – as was the case for the leader above – it might not be something you have experienced.
Empathy is important in leadership because it increases trust, communication, and a sense of worth for team members. When we communicate with empathy, we can build better relationships.
“Empathy is the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of another person, understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions.” Roman Krznaric
There are two types of empathy: cognitive and affective. Cognitive empathy is about perspective-taking and understanding?another person’s emotions. While affective empathy (also called experience sharing), is your own emotional alignment with another person’s experience.??
Cognitive empathy is a combination of compassion and empathy and is the most effective approach to meaningful connection.?Compassion is not just a feeling; it includes action and it’s about shared humanity.?Compassion is a daily practice, while empathy is a skillset that is a tool of compassion.?
We only need to look at the role models like Satya Nadella, Microsoft CEO – praised for his naturally empathetic and compassionate leadership – to see how invaluable leading with cognitive empathy is.
What happens when leaders lack empathy?
When a leader lacks empathy, they often confuse sympathy with empathy and focus on feeling pity or sorrow for others. This might lead them to be judgemental and minimise the other person’s experience. Comparing the experience with something better or worse?is also unhelpful because it invalidates the other person’s experience. We’ve all been in a situation where you’re trying to explain how you feel and the other person chirps up with how they’ve been through it all and it was loads worse for them!
Leaders with little empathy also lack boundaries and can overstep the mark. When a leader doesn’t take time to listen properly, they often rush in to fix things before understanding the emotion behind the messages.?They might say they’ll do something to help but behave in a way that suggests the opposite intention.
None of this will help leaders be successful in their role, engage their teams or be a critical part of creating an excellent employee experience. People need to feel heard. If empathy is lacking in your organisation, you need to reset how you work together from a human perspective.
Empathy can help you make better connections
As a leader, developing your active listening ability really is a cornerstone skill for demonstrating empathy. That’s not just nodding away while someone else is talking. Or jumping in to respond with an answer before you’ve understood what the person is saying.
In Poles Apart, Alison Goldsworthy, Laura Osborne and Alexandra Chesterfield look at how to bring people together. They talk about the importance of moving from a winning to an understanding mindset:
“The first step is being comfortable with being uncomfortable: being willing to speak to people who don’t agree with you. The second is that we have to recognise that the people that we’re speaking to, that maybe we see as enemies or as adversaries, quite often have a lot more in common with us than we care to realise.” ?
Employees across industries agree that empathy is one of the most important leadership traits – again, not a dark art, but a must-have. Research sought to understand the effects of empathetic leadership on their experiences at work and the figures speak for themselves; empathy has a positive effect on innovation, engagement, retention, inclusivity and work-life balance. Quite often leaders are surprised that being more empathic brings a greater sense of connection and the ability to work together better. Sometimes just a small shift in focus towards more conversations and in-person moments can make a big difference. Giving yourself more time for people will be the first step to change.
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How to become more empathetic
The excellent book by Roman Krznaric,?Empathy: why it matters, and how to get it, looks at how our brains are wired for social connection and that argues that empathy is at the heart of who we are:
“Highly empathic people are engaged in a constant search for what they share with other people, even when those people appear alien to them.”
The book identifies six habits of highly empathetic people:?
Leaders really need to foster this among their employees too – everyone needs empathy in the workplace. We should all practice compassion as a daily skill – if you’re working in a team, it will really help, particularly if you’re navigating change or other difficult or stressful circumstances.
The power of storytelling in building empathy
Listening is one side of the empathy equation, but the way you communicate with your teams can also build empathy. In her TED Talk , storytelling expert, Karen Eber talks about how our brains respond to stories and why they are crucial for leaders in building trust. By this, we don’t mean turning the conversation into something about you. It’s about sharing a story – rather than pure data – to connect with people’s emotions:
“As you listen to stories, you automatically gain empathy for the storyteller. The more empathy you experience, the more oxytocin is released in your brain. Oxytocin is the feel-good chemical. And the more oxytocin you have, the more trustworthy you actually view the speaker. This is why storytelling is such a critical skill for a leader. Because the very act of telling a story makes people trust you more.”
Empathy requires vulnerability, but it enables leaders to have honest conversations, encourage development, drive performance, improve retention, and can have a lasting influence on relationships. As Brené Brown says,
?“Empathy is a choice, and it’s a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.”
It isn’t always easy, especially when we aren’t physically connected with each other, but empathy is a core pillar of relationship building. So, no, empathy isn’t a hidden superpower, it’s something essential we can all tap into.
?Further reading
The Speed of Trust by Stephen Covey
Empathy: why it matters, and how to get it, by Roman Krznaric?
Why empathy matters by JD Trout
Seven benefits when you lead with empathy by Jacob Franzen (Forbes Business Council)
More from Jenni Field , founder of Redefining Communications
Understanding the difference between empathy and compassion (podcast episode)
Have we forgotten how to be in work relationships? for Forbes Business Council
If you have any questions about the issues discussed, please get in touch via?[email protected] . If you’d like to join our community and receive our weekly Chaos to Calm email, please?subscribe here .
Marvellous article, Jenni. The world needs a bit more empathy. ??
Thank you for sharing this valuable insight. It's true that empathy is essential for effective leadership, but it can be challenging to cultivate, especially when leaders are facing so much pressure.