Why Empathy is difficult for most Leaders & The Solution
When it comes to the Most In-Demand leadership skills for employees, EMPATHY is always on the list.
We can all understand why EMPATHY is crucial but there is not much understanding of why it is a difficult skill for most leaders.
Many adults struggle with empathy not because we don't care about others and not because we don't want to connect to others.
It's because we did not reach this level of emotional development as children.
We need to redefine empathy. Psychologist and best selling author of How To Do The Work, Nicole LePera, defines Empathy as a stage of childhood development learned through parent figures who were not able to see our perspective, sooth ours stressful emotions and hold space for our self expression without trying to control it.
To begin to effectively improve the empathy of leaders we need to understand a few things:
- Empathy is the ability to put yourself in the position of another person. If your parent figures didn't try to understand your perspective or emotions and instead told you how you felt consistently ('you are fine', 'its no big deal', 'you will get over it') - you will struggle with empathising as an adult. This will show up as a pattern of invalidating another persons experience or emotions.
- True empathy is a conscious awareness of another's perspective. It does not mean that you take that perspective as your own. It means you hold space for another persons awareness.
- If we didn't have parents that helped us navigate scary or stressful emotions ('that must have been scary', 'tell me how that felt', 'what that like for you?'). We might cope by being fixated on own needs and our own pain. This results in an inability to empathise with other people's 'big' emotions.
- A common trait of those who struggle with empathy is an inability to self soothe. If we cannot soothe ourselves, we cannot help to soothe another.
- Lack of empathy and impulsive behaviours go hand in hand.
- Empathy is a PRACTICE. If we do not learn this, we cannot teach ourselves. Asking another person what they are thinking, feeling or what's on their mind is the way to begin. Curiosity creates empathy.
As you can see, the ROOT CAUSE of the lack of empathy has very little to do with the current work or life situation. Functional Executive Coaching is a type of coaching that deals with most leadership challenges from the Root Cause perspective and this is the ONLY way to get sustainable change.
Companies have spent millions in leadership development and we all know the results are less than desirable and it is only a matter of time that leaders return to their 'old' behaviours'.
The next quantum leap in leadership development and executive coaching has to be evidence-based, neuroscience-informed and trauma-informed.
We need to see the leader as a person that has a history, a unique biology, regrets, disappointments, unmet needs etc.
About Shane Ram:
Shane Ram is a Life & Leadership Coach, HR Consultant, Podcast Host, author and a sought after global keynote speaker.
Shane's strikingly effective coaching process shows individuals and corporate teams how to create the personal lives they want while becoming a megastar at work. To book a time to speak with Shane go to https://go.oncehub.com/ShaneRam. To book Shane for events and seminars go to www.shaneram.com or call 1-868-351-5000 or email at [email protected]
He is also the CEO and Founder of Go For 10, a company that provides transformational education for all ages, through mediums that range from digital publishing, educational technology, online learning, content, events and more. We stand for ideas that enable people to be extraordinary and impact lives. www.igofor10.com
Leadership, Strategy and Operations Specialist making your operations seemless| IR and SME Business Consultant
3 年Very real statement here Shane Ram. However, our childhood experiences should not continuously determine our adult behaviour once we have identified what needs to be changed.
Leadership, Learning & Organizational Development | Sales | Executive Coach | Trainer | Motivational Speaker | Strategy
3 年I wholeheartedly agree that behaviours we try to address cannot be resolved without first dealing with the root cause. Behaviours are indeed symptoms. I'm not sure I agree that lack of empathy is a result of parenting. Yes, it may be a contributing factor ... maybe even the primary factor ... but I'm sure all of us can share stories of persons we know whose behaviour is the polar opposite of their parents. Or persons who had an amazing role model/mentor in their youth, who helped them process their difficulties successfully, in spite of their parents. I would say training at home, training at school, observed peer behaviors, other social influences, ALL play a role in the development (or lack thereof) of empathy. In our conversations, if we understand the root cause of each individual's situation, we are in a much better position to facilitate their growth and development. Thank you Shane for stirring our minds with this article.
Coaching leaders to move to the next level in their personal and professional lives I Leadership Development I Coach Training
3 年Shane Ram indeed...As I often share "We just need one person in an entire family to release our past patterns and reactive tendencies and gift a generative future to the next generation. The question is- Are you going to be the ONE?" Thank you for sharing this :)
I transform struggling leaders by helping them develop, evolve, and find their way from sucKcess to success. 2023 Top 200 Biggest Voices in Leadership & 2024 Global 100 Executive Coach of the Year. ??? DTLW Podcast Host.
3 年Every fruit our tree provides is connected to a root. No fruit, or bad fruit, check the roots. Great share, Shane. ????
Empowering C-Suite leaders to grow teams and brands through custom-built training workshops | 65000+ employees trained and counting | Certified Instructional Designer & Trainer | Disney Institute trained CX Professional
3 年Such an insightful article Shane Ram! I actually never thought about the connection between someone's childhood experiences and being able to empathise (or not empathise) with others, even though I guess it might be rather obvious. As you rightly noted, empathy is currently being listed as a top leadership skill; we really need to understand what that means and what that looks like. Thanks for sharing such important info at this time.