Why emotional intelligence is crucial to success

Emotional Intelligence is a skill that some say is the most critical of all to a happy and successful life. It is the ability to recognize, understand and manage our own emotions, and the ability to recognize, understand, and influence the emotions of others.

It is a common component to everything we have discussed and everything we will discuss in this book.

Most of the time we see the world like a horse with blinders on. We think our point of view is the only one that is correct. And so does everyone else in the world! If you learn to step out of your own limited point of view you will learn more about the world in one day than you can in one year from your own point of view.

You must learn to empathize with the person you are interacting with. You must be able to put yourself in their shoes, to see things from their point of view. Learn to see yourself from the customer’s point of view and you will increase your sales dramatically.

A great exercise to build this skill is to record yourself on video or audio, and replay it so you can experience it as if you were on the other side of the interaction.

Another great exercise is role playing with a friend or colleague. Take turns being the “salesperson” and the “customer”. Learn to see things from their point of view.

You must be able to read between the lines of what people are saying or not saying.

The truth is that people rarely use words to express what they really mean or what they are truly are thinking. Our egos and masks prevent us from being completely honest. You must learn to understand and empathize that people may be afraid, embarrassed or shy to say what they mean.

As much of 90% of communication is non-verbal. Are you paying attention to the body language and other non-verbal cues people are giving you?

If you are talking too loud or quiet it will show on the customers face. Adjust immediately.

If you are using language that is too technical for the customer it will show on their face or in their questions, in the tone of their voice. Using technical language they don’t understand will make them feel insecure and dumb, or you will appear haughty and arrogant. Adjust immediately.

You must be able to understand what moves people—what are their motivations. At a basic level we all have the same basic motivations, although it may take years of introspection and observation to fully understand this.

All humans around the world—regardless of race, gender, age, ethnicity, religion—share a few basic common fears and a few basic common dreams. We all fear pain, including embarrassment, including being judged harshly or appearing foolish… We all have dreams of being well liked and well respected, we want to have financial freedom which means we don’t want to give away money foolishly and we are embarrassed to admit if we are lacking money.

There are many more common motivations people have, and there are also unique motivations and fears based on gender and age and other factors—women are not exactly the same as men, an older generation is not exactly the same as a younger generation.

You can learn this through experience and honest observation, and you can research this topic online for greater detail. My point is that you must try to understand how those motivations are influencing the person you are speaking to in spite of what they are telling you directly with their words. Try to understand at the most basic level why they are here and what they are looking for besides a product, or what they are running from besides the price.

An emotionally intelligent person knows that no one can lie completely, they always give themselves away with their word choice, their eye movements, their twitches or glances or tone of voice. Learn to watch facial expressions and body language. Learn to hear the tone of voice of the person you are conversing with.

Learn to observe all these things in yourself as well. This will make you a great communicator and improve your sales and improve your life.

Often a person who is not telling the truth or not telling all of the truth will not want to make eye contact. A person who isn’t telling the whole truth may clear their throat, stammer or change their pitch as if to try and sway your attention away from their lie.

Body cues can give them away such as foot tapping or bouncing, blushing, putting their hand to their face. Turning away or raising their shoulders may all be indicators that they are uncomfortable with the conversation because they are not telling the whole truth.

And just because someone is not telling the truth, that does not mean they are a bad person or they are deceitful. They may be embarrassed, they may be uncomfortable sharing with a stranger.

A smart salesperson, and an emotionally intelligent person, can pick up on these signals and ask questions to uncover the source of these issues without making the person uncomfortable. Don’t force them to reveal what they don’t want to reveal. Respect their feelings and pay attention to ALL of their communications.

Pro tip: Don’t make assumptions! Be very careful not to assume things and misinterpret signals. This will take a lot of experience and practice. Be careful!

Learn to be careful with your words. It doesn’t matter what you actually say, it matters what the customer hears and understands. You must understand that people have different backgrounds and points of view, and each has a unique psychology that you should cater your communication to.

Some people are very sensitive to “getting ripped off”. They need to be sure they are not looking foolish regarding the price and you should emphasize the value of your offer and make sure you do not appear greedy.

Some people need to be sure the quality is high and so for their peace of mind you should emphasize the peace of mind that comes with the guarantees and warranties of your product or service, and speak about the many happy customers who have bought previously.

Learn to be careful with your non-verbal cues. Don’t be rude by being dismissive to their concerns. Don’t smile at something serious. Don’t make a habit of “deceitful” gestures—if you don’t make proper eye contact people may think you are lying. Learn to observe your own non-verbal cues and it will help you become aware of the cues from your customers.

In my experience as a telemarketer we spent a lot of time understanding the underlying motives that would hold people back from working with us. We understood that any excuse a person would tell us is usually just to cover up the real objection beneath the surface.

I remember many examples where using emotional intelligence helped me uncover a customer’s real objections and move to a sale.

One example was a customer who we will call Charlie. He knew he wanted a solar water heater. Our offer made financial sense but he was still reluctant.

He would say things like “Yeah it sounds great, but I don’t think this is the best time, I can’t afford that right now, call back next year.” I gently reminded him that our promotion was a limited time offer and I asked what would make this a bad time for him to have a look with no pressure and no obligation to buy. But it wasn’t working.

He gave more excuses saying his wife wouldn’t be happy if he took this appointment, and that they were very busy. It turns out that Charlie had just bought a used motorcycle that his wife and his mother were very much against. The motorcycle broke down after a short while and his wife and mother ridiculed him for the purchase. So Charlie was telling me he could not set the appointment for a solar water heater because he was very afraid of looking foolish in front of his wife and mother again.

This was not what he told me at first, and understandably he was embarrassed to tell me this, just as he was embarrassed to tell his wife that he found a great offer for a solar water heater for fear of looking foolish again.

I told him “I understand how you feel, I’ve felt that way before myself I have spent money before that I regretted later and looked foolish in front of friends and family, I even spoke with another homeowner in your area who felt the same way, but your neighbor saw our presentation and found out that our quality is the best and our offer is too good to pass up, and he decided to buy, and let me tell you, he does not regret it. I’d hate to see you miss out on this offer. We can schedule a time where your wife and mother are there too so they can understand the benefits and the savings and there is no pressure and no obligation so you have nothing to worry about. If you are willing to give us your attention, I promise you won’t regret it.”

He agreed and he ended up buying $20,000 worth of equipment with the approval of his wife and mother.

If I had no emotional intelligence I would have said “Ok, I will call you back in next year and I would not have addressed his real issue. Or I would have tried to force the issue of price without understanding his motivation for delaying.

It doesn’t matter what you say or what you do, it only matters what the customer hears and understands. The great Maya Angelou said: “People will forget what you say and forget what you do but they will never forget how you made them feel”. This is a function of emotional intelligence.

Persistence is an admirable quality, but it won’t get you anywhere if you are persistent about the wrong things. The people you are persistent with must believe in you and are absolutely convinced that they can trust you.

Answer questions directly and clearly: If you are asked a question and you give a “politician’s answer” – in other words, if you talk a lot and don’t answer the question – your credibility will decline, and you will hurt your chances of making the sale.

Humor is great for diffusing tension and apprehension, use it to calm people’s nerves and help them feel comfortable.

If the customer is angry you must allow them to feel angry, let them express themselves. Don’t argue with them about how they feel, that is not emotionally intelligent behavior and you will never win that argument.

As the salesperson—or just as a fellow human being—let them vent, then respond intelligently and take the proper action. Listen to hear what is causing their anger so you can respond to the right issue instead of addressing something that is not important to them. Sometimes just listening to them vent is enough, and there is no corrective action to take. Maybe they simply wanted to know their problems are being hear.

Don’t pretend you are perfect or have never made mistakes. Don’t take the customer for a fool, don’t call them a liar indirectly. No matter how ridiculous their story is—and trust me, I have heard some ridiculous stories from angry customers—just focus on finding a way forward, not on who is right.

You can show you’re truly paying attention by writing down the prospect’s objections.

Only present solutions that are relevant to the customer’s needs. Do not stick to the script to the point that you are not addressing their issues. Ask them questions and let them tell you their wants and needs.

Pro Tip: Don’t be scared of angry customers. Angry customers are high potential customers. Anger shows that they care. In the past I thrived on angry customers. Usually there is the opportunity to change them back to your most vehement supporters.

Empathize with them. Listen to them, and agree with them, and when they are ready for the solution, go straight to it without demeaning them and without admitting fault and without escaping responsibility (advanced skill).

Listen to the underlying reason they are angry. Put yourself in their shoes, tell them you understand why they feel that way and that you would feel the same way if you were in their shoes. Then you can move toward a solution together.

A big part of emotional intelligence is understanding your own motives and emotions. In order to gain more emotional intelligence you should make time to get away from people, from technology, and just be with yourself. Take time to “stop the world” in your own head. Listen to your inner voice. Breathe. Calm your mind and observe your own emotions and your own thoughts. Be honest in your observation. Learn about yourself, learn about your own motivations and choices. This will give you clarity into your own psyche and into the attitudes and motivations of others.

Take time to imagine yourself in the position of other people you know and interact with. Imagine yourself as the cashier you just bought groceries from, imagine yourself as the person who made your sandwich, imagine yourself as your customer. Watch or listen to a recording of yourself. How was your greeting? Were you enthusiastic and energetic? Or dull and boring? Or pushy and annoying?

Analyze your sales approach from your customer's shoes. Use role playing exercises and recordings to gain crucial insight.

Becoming self-aware and emotionally intelligent will increase your quality of life more than I can tell here.