Why on Earth Aren't We Talking About Friendship?

I feel like I’m going mad. I’ve rewritten this newsletter about four times, and it feels like I’m trying to explain the simplest thing, yet it’s also the hardest to convey its true meaning and value. The topic? Friendship.

Why aren’t we talking about it more? If I told you that I could help you make more money, be healthier, stress less, laugh more, get stronger, enjoy life more, sleep better—and it wouldn’t cost you a damn penny—you’d be all in, right? But here’s the thing: we’ve forgotten the value and the benefit of deep, meaningful friendship, and it’s literally killing us, especially men.

Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45, and the greatest risk factor is loneliness. Maybe it’s just me, but I hear these statistics all the time, at least once a week. It’s written into WHO policy, NHS grants, and health services across the world: “tackle suicide and loneliness.” Yet, no one is really talking about friendship. Sure, we hear about connection and community, and those are great, but they’re vague and impractical. Community, in an increasingly globalised world, is becoming less accessible. But friendship? We all know it, we’ve all experienced it, and deep down, we all want it.

So what is friendship, really?

I think part of the problem is that we as men don’t have a clear understanding of what a friend is. The dictionary defines a friend as “a person with whom one has a close and informal relationship of mutual trust and intimacy.” But that’s only part of it. I probably have fifty friends that fit this definition, but 95% of them live abroad, or their lives are just too different from mine right now. Or maybe, they just don’t see the benefits of friendship like I do.

Here’s what I think is missing from the definition: 1) Consistency, 2) Service, 3) Positivity, and 4) Love.

Consistency: It’s great to have those epic once-a-year get-togethers with our besties, but we live daily. And those sporadic meetups don’t fill the gap. Sometimes, and slightly paradoxically, the build-up to those rare events can leave us feeling even lonelier afterwards.

Service: Friendship is about being there for each other, without expecting anything in return. Men, in particular, struggle with two things: asking for help before it’s too late and sharing their successes, genuinely allowing their friends to be happy for them. Sometimes, I wonder if the latter is even harder for us than the former.

Positivity: We all go through rough patches, and supporting each other during those times is essential. But if a friendship is always negative, something’s wrong. Either we’re not serving each other in the right way, or we’re too scared to step away because we fear being alone or judged.

Love: This might seem obvious, but it’s not. Men struggle to say “I love you” to their best mates without it being awkward. Why? Because we’ve been taught that showing our feelings is for sissies or something that’s reserved for our partners. That’s rubbish. I love my best mates, and I tell them all the time. So, here’s a shoutout: Rid, Will, Stef, Rich, Andres, Nathan—I love you. My life is infinitely better because of you, and I can’t imagine it without you.

“You are the sum of those you surround yourself with.” This includes spending time with them over the phone too. I believe this deeply, and it highlights many of the challenges my clients face. A common refrain at Men’s Day is, “We just do the same thing over and over—work all week, play football, go to the pub, watch football, repeat.” Surrounded by the same blokes, in a sport and environment that’s often abrasive and lacking in love, they eventually get worn down and start looking elsewhere. God forbid their mates find out they’re doing something healthy like Men’s Day—they’d be torn apart by ‘banter’ [don’t get me started on banter]. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen some sports teams wanting more from their relationships, but maybe I’m stuck in an echo chamber again, hearing what I want to hear.

The other types of men I see at Men’s Day are gay men and ex-military men—both looking for male friendship outside their usual bubbles with similar experiences to that of the ‘football and pub’ example.

The Friendship Paradox

Social media has skewed our perception of friendship. I have 2,500 friends on Facebook and 792 followers on Instagram. I might know half of them, but I couldn’t tell you much about most of them. We’ve lost sight of the value of quality friendships.

Have you ever done a friendship audit? It sounds harsh, but I recommend it. Look at the five friends you spend the most time with and score them on the following:

Now, if you felt that was harsh on them, eat some humble pie and do the same for yourself and see how you measure up as a friend. The goal here is to determine whether your friendships add value to your life and to assess whether you’re doing the same for your friends.

So, why aren’t we talking about this?

As a man, it feels emasculating to admit, “I have no friends” or “I’m lonely.” It’s sad and embarrassing and it feels like it is a step down from the podium of “I am man”. With the decline of religion and the rise of digitalisation, remote work, and constant movement, we’ve adjusted to a new normal, but evolution hasn’t caught up. Biologically, we still experience a fight-or-flight response when we feel lonely because it’s a direct threat to our survival. What’s worse is that loneliness can spiral into depression. When that happens, we isolate ourselves, psychophysiologically protecting ourselves from a perceived threat, but it only makes things worse as we descend deeper into our cave, fearful of the ramifications of stepping out into ‘danger’.

There’s a lot stacked against us when it comes to finding friendship and feeling like a valuable member of society as men. And here’s one more challenge: we’re not sure where we fit in today’s world. Roles have changed, and women have done an amazing job levelling the playing field. They’ve shown that the world doesn’t revolve around men, which is exactly the lesson we needed but it begs the question, where are we needed and what is the role of a man today?

I believe it’s time for men to start our own campaign. We have to reclaim what it means to be a man in its most authentic form—strong, protective, competitive, risk-taking, and ambitious—but also to balance those masculine traits with the feminine ones we’ve neglected. It’s here that our version of friendship can take shape. We can still challenge and compete with our friends, but we also need to invite love, collaboration, and caring into the mix.

It might sound silly, but for me, this balance is epitomised in dance. I go to something called 5 Rhythms on Mondays, where it’s a 50/50 split of channelling my masculine and feminine sides. For an hour, I’m stomping, thrusting, and throwing myself around. For the other hour, I’m fluid, gentle, and flexible. This practice allows me to express all parts of myself, and it’s a powerful tool for redefining what it means to be a man.

Final thoughts on friendship: a macro and micro view

Macro: We men need to reclaim our masculinity, use it healthily, and balance it with our femininity. This complement will create real leaders in men, redefining and modelling what it means to be a man and thus, giving future generations a better chance of overcoming the rates of suicide and loneliness.

Micro: You’re not going to be happy without quality friendships. Start again if you have to, and know that unless you prioritise it, it won’t come to you. Get out of your cave, what is keeping you there is your mind and body thinking you are under threat. You are not. Be of service to your friends (or anyone for that matter), be consistent, and find ways to be positive by doing different and, crucially, healthy things together. Another silly example: I used to give my friends nicknames like "Dodgy Pete" and "Brown Stain." When I asked them if they liked these names, they said no. So, I stopped using them. It might have been funny to me, but it wasn't loving or respectful to them. So, lastly, I dare you—bring love into the equation. Find ways to love your mates. That might start without saying the words “I love you” but just by being there, celebrating them, going out of your way and allowing them to do the same for you and who knows, maybe the words will come naturally but don’t leave this planet before having said those words to them.

Big love, and thank you for reading.

Ben

P.S. If you’re reading this and you call me Benji, just know I don’t like it either.