Why Don’t We Say 'No' To Comfort?

“Choose uncomfortable enlargement over comfortable diminishment whenever you can.”

Oliver Burkeman (Four Thousand Weeks )

How is it possible that our love for all things nice may not entirely result in a lasting state of fulfilment we strive for in life?

We have been seduced into turning our consciousness into chasing instant convenience. That unchallenged focus on a blind pursuit of comfort in all our existence.? As a result, this readily available gratification and ease of living has led to unexpected and unwanted results. Despite the emerging data on the post-COVID novel pandemic of contagious unhappiness, the penny has still not dropped for most of us to learn the primary components that represent our needs for lasting contentment in life - whatever that quite means.??

None of us is immune from the ‘guerilla warfare’-like strategies of the advertising world, the sinister peddling of consumerism to all. Is there little chance of escape from the tactical mist of commercialism of shiny products and promises of happiness wrapped within mesmerisingly attractive packages? These typify the guarantees of personal satisfaction that Google and Facebook Ads will subliminally reveal to us in our most vulnerable moments. If we relinquish to the pressure of discarding our self-reliance and resilience ( which consumer giants do not appreciate we attempt) and accept the constant signalling that ‘we will make it easier, softer, feel more excellent to navigate through the perils of life’….then perhaps we become that much more likely to lose the path that equates to our meaning and self-actualisation. It is now more effortless than ever to get blown off course and neglect our authentic existential needs.?

Those of a particular generation living through a life spanning both pre and post-internet age will note an unashamed quest for endless and perpetual comfort in life, as digitalisation has created a disruptive panacea that we can have everything….and anything….fast. What is even more apparent is that these beautiful things we can hold in our hands within hours or days, at the click of a button, will deliver us happiness, fulfilment, and infinite joy. Other messages that fly through the airways as we navigate endless digital highways can also, allegedly, solve the huge voids of lost purpose and meaning in our lives.??

The Luxury Paradox

So here comes the kicker.….

What about the colossal paradox of inconsistency between exponential rates of increasing access to comfort, luxury, convenience and acquisition of data ( regardless of relevance), with rising levels of mental health illness, global unhappiness trends rocketing, and the collective lack of perceived purpose? For the moment, we live in a world where our ‘must-have’ and ‘need-that’? are guaranteed to arrive at our door by ‘Get today by 10 pm with Prime’ pledges. As instant credit availability becomes uncontrolled, we no longer have to work to obtain the riches that define the Western world. We can ‘get it’. Brilliant.

It's not a new problem, but it has certainly snowballed in its gravity to the detriment of the ethical status of modern society. A corporate-driven consumer world applies to us all with the lavish lifestyles of the social media ‘Ballers’ and wealthy role models who vicariously showcase all that can make us ‘worthy’ and demonstrate a certain smugness. We can easily access such imagery in glitzy glory on any rose-gold digital device and play it out on Instagram or wherever.?

So what is about the accumulation of ‘stuff’ that transforms life into a convenient video game of predictability, comfy, snug and warm, but cynically removes the pains of the reality of ‘not-have’ or ‘can't have’? Fundamentally, it will change us to a more distant, aloof and detached version of ourselves - the contradiction seems to show that the more we accumulate, the more empty we tend to feel.?

How could that happen??

How uncomfortable is being comfortable?

As a transformational coach and general practitioner, I work closely with men of a certain age; I facilitate the repatriation of purpose and meaning in life for those lost souls, men pretty much similar to myself.?Physician heal thyself. Accordingly, material acquisition rarely fulfils the promise we make to ourselves. The loss of meaning and alignment that men may experience as they navigate through the pathway of life is complex, and can represent a jettison of a previous closely-held grip on personal values and morals of life. The crux of the matter is materialized when we no longer present ourselves with these beliefs in life as valid or applicable. An easy example is how the value of building wealth in life reframes itself as something less essential as we experience the loss of personal relationships; for example, by means of estrangement or grief; we realise that the presence and love of family and friends can never be substituted by status or money. We reevaluate our priorities as to what is essential and represents genuine importance in life.?

Nevertheless, our more emotional brain centres still urge us to acquire objects or experiences, whether fast cars or Ultramarathons, to recover a lost sense of belonging. Such pleasures give us a transient spike in perceived happiness, but markers of joy and accomplishment rapidly return to baseline ‘factory’ settings. The real risk is that these measures of fulfilment return to flatline again, plunging to depths of existential angst that are even lower than before we acted with our credit cards. We sometimes want and mandate that intended happiness and contentment through the purchase of comfort, but generally, it provides us with a? lesson on how the more we lavish ourselves, the more cast adrift we become.

But...That's not to say that we should prohibit appropriate reward and self-care, but we should be mindful of our motivations and sensibly critical of our intentions. Prioritising a life of comfort over meaning will always result in the unexpected inverse effect.?

Why can’t we then challenge ourselves to experience suffering??

Speaking personally, I have tried to discover those intriguing traits that signal my existential happiness. It is a work in progress for me. I am not there quite yet. Sometimes, when the background noise of life is deafening,? I challenge myself to imagine perhaps just six months of life remaining for me, or just six weeks, even just six days…. What would it do? How would I act if nothing was expected of me? At the top of the list would be spending time with those I love and who love me; my family. These aspects of life are universal to us all -? free at the point of entry and cost nothing.?

At the other end of the scale, I feel content with the liberation of being in the wilderness, hiking with all I need to survive, eat, sleep and live for a few days in remote regions. The creation of a frugal and basic existence. Sleeping in the woods, waking up on a mountainside surrounded by a cloud inversion. Even the hard, uncomfortable mattress and leaky lightweight tent,? waking every hour stiff from hiking. The richness of the experience is uniquely pervasive, looking up through the tent's skylight to the Milky Way, wherever I am in the world. Morning coffee on a spirit burner, dehydrated mountain food. Solitude, but childlike pure contentment and happiness.?

For the price of a train ticket, the rewards are long-lasting,? despite being uncomfortable for so long. Return to the comfort of a humble home can be genuinely magnificent, as the sensations of basic domestic items we take for granted are enhanced - the perception of even a basic sofa, the softness of the sheets of a bed and pillow, hugging one's family. The clarity for appreciation of these comforts is unprecedented. Many ultra-endurance athletes who run hundreds of miles for ‘fun’ refer to these brutal but transcendent experiences as Type 2 fun, a reframing and re-appreciation of the mental perception of the original physical experience. It seems as though the passage of time takes on a new appreciation in the athlete's mind. Heinous at the time but enriching in retrospect. Perhaps the biggest secret to the injection of such intervals of discomfort in our existence is the global enrichment of the remaining facets of life, the simplicity and minimalism of a home that can hold for us even modest comforts but instantly transformed into a lavish palace.??

So why does the 'Pleasant Life' fail to deliver??

It is trendy to talk of Stoic philosophy and the lessons that two-thousand-year-old historical wisdom can teach us. Senator Seneca speaks of the ‘sampling’ of pain. The ability to rehearse short intervals and periods of discomfort may lend to a peaceful state of mind. When Seneca asked himself to live like a pauper and lack money, he debated whether this frugality was the state he was so vehemently obsessed and worried about - but with the slow realisation, it just wasn't the nightmare he predicted.

Maintaining a death grip on the pleasant life does us no favours. Of course, it is seductive to follow the path to a ‘nice time’ in life, with good, happy relationships and sparkling social lives. We can have all we want, as much fun as possible. We can consume all the good things around us, whether food, alcohol, or riches - those dopamine hits that light up the brain's pleasure centres. Martin Seligman, the clinical psychologist and the ‘father’ of positive psychology suggests we proceed with caution when chasing pleasure as our primary goal. He offers that the sustainability of happiness factors when primarily pursuing pleasure is limited in time compared to the fulfilment of being of use to others by creating lives of meaning. This can be illustrated by the graph below, which shows us the fragility of comfort in our ego. Ultimately, chasing comfort and searching for traditional ‘happiness’ leads to a likely unsatisfactory existence. Feeling engaged and purposeful provides the opposite.

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So what now?

Therefore, the likelihood that to achieve or acquire anything of natural substance and significance, whether it is the achievement of enlightenment, the pursuit of a particular state of mind, financial situation if that is important to you, is going to ‘hurt’ to some degree. Rarely is a free lunch actually free. It is human nature to deploy our default user settings of anxiety and discomfort avoidance via procrastination and avoidance of commitment. Fearing the focus and responsibility of a personal endeavour or pursuit, even understanding the risk of failure, represents genuine growth and enlargement in life. We would rarely achieve anything worthwhile if we always shrouded ourselves in safety and overprotection. In reality, success is often painful. It assaults our senses on multiple levels; to create personal growth, we have to make ourselves vulnerable, risking personal emotional hurt or even financial ruin. Bad things happen, and there is no guarantee, but fortune may favour the brave. There are no guarantees. Quitting a job with no boat at the jetty waiting puts the fear of God into us, and the status quo of comfortable inaction is too attractive.

The formula for an enriching and meaningful life requires a degree of discomfort to hold any chance of success in delivering a happy and fulfilled existence.

‘The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we feel deeply uncomfortable , unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments propelled by our discomfort that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers ….’

Morgan Scott Peck

American Psychiatrist (The Road Less Traveled)