Why Don't We Listen to Each Other?

Listening - really listening - contributes beautifully to healthy relationships, leadership, effective performance, wellbeing, learning, and growth.

And yet, many of us don't do it well or often.

There is a simple reason for this. And it is not motivation.

It is awareness and acceptance.

When I run workshops on listening, participants discover something that they never noticed before. They are asked to listen to another person for 45 seconds with the intention of being able to repeat what they heard as closely as possible.

They are instructed not to interrupt or ask questions. Just listen.

What do they notice? They feel a physical urge to say something. Many people notice the urge in their chest, some in their stomach or throat. A physical urge. Like a quick tightening or slight upward movement - as if the words were pushing themselves up and out.

There is nothing wrong with asking a question, adding your two cents, or offering a countering perspective. The point here is to be clear about why you are doing it.

Are you trying to help, connect, understand, or support? Is that why you are saying something? Or are you simply reflexively responding to a habitual physical sensation?

The second reason we don't listen is that we are lost in an internal story. They are telling us about something that matters to them and we are creating a shopping list for tonight's dinner. We nod and say mm-hmm, but their words cruise past us and our internal narrative unheard.

All of this is so very human. It is not a flaw. It just is. And when we bring awareness and acceptance to this aspect of humanity, we have a choice about how to work with it. No awareness, no choice.

Okay, so don't take my word for any of this. Go find someone and ask them a question. It can be something simple, such as "What's going on?" Then pay attention. You can notice the physical urge to resist or respond and bring your attention back to what the other person is saying.

You can notice the pull of the story in your head and return your attention to listening.

This is a practice. The more you do it, the more you wire your brain to do it in the future.

Once you become aware of what is going on inside you when you are listening, a whole world of wisdom opens up. People are amazing - brilliant, insightful, inspiring, confusing, and confounding. When we listen, we can get access to all of it.

#listening #connecting #business #love #mindfulness #awareness #personaldevelopment