Why Don't We Ever Hear About Dads Being Sad At the School Gates?

A new school year is dawning and for working parents across the country it’s a time of immense change. 

The typical first-day-at-school narrative looks like this: mum takes the kids and is filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness. Her baby is leaving her! Her role as guide and protector is OVER! Cue blubbering tears at the school gates. 

There’s just one problem with this picture: it’s simply not true. 

As a working mother of three, there is nothing that brings me more joy in the world than seeing my kids walk confidently into their future without me. 

SHOCK!

Is sadness one tiny facet sparkling in that constellation of emotion that forms that joy? Of course. There's sadness. There's fear. There's worry that I might have packed a unappetising lunch. Or left the hair straightener on. Or won't have enough food for dinner. You know, the usual endless, countless worries of a modern parent.

But the overarching emotion is happiness. Followed by relief.

I am so crazy excited for my kids to grow up and step into their power.

And I’m not alone. 

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

“I didn't feel guilty at all,” says Elise*, mum of 2 in Sydney whose son started at primary last year. “My son was so excited about starting a new venture in his life and I was excited about starting mine! 

“I had a new job set up and couldn’t wait to be ME again!”

THE DATA

In 2017, Mums & Co, a support network for Australian mums in business commissioned a survey carried out by Ernst and Young into working mother’s mental health and wellbeing. 

Their findings? Not all mums feel mother's guilt. 

“Interestingly the majority of business mums do not agree that they feel guilty that they have less time to spend with their children," said Mums & Co founder, Carrie Kwan. "In fact, an overwhelming 87 percent believe they are setting a good example for their kids.”

WHAT ABOUT DADS? 

But here’s the weird thing about that mother’s guilt that makes me truly doubt it’s all-encompassing pervasiveness: we NEVER hear about it extended to dads. 

Why? 

Here's my theory: because sadness sadness in modern society is painted as weakness. And men aren't weak. Nuh-uh. No way. Never. Not even at the school gate. Not even at the school gate with their kids walking away from them and Chuck Norris punching them in the guts. ESPECIALLY not then.

The truth is Dads are as entitled to feel guilt, sadness, happiness, joy, confidence and fear, as mothers at the school gate. 

The fact that we NEVER talk about dad guilt simply reinforces parental gender roles and does a huge disservice to both women and men. 

By perpetuating the myth of mummy guilt, fear and sadness at the school gate we actively perpetuate the same myths that have been used to keep women in their place for generations. 

The subtext behind the image of the blubbering mother? 

• Mothers are emotional. 
• They’re hysterical. 
• Their primary and sole job is nurturer for their children 
• Motherhood is only job they can do and without it they are lost

Pffft! Frankly, I couldn’t be more excited for our first day. 

I’ve worked too hard through these school holidays, through the 12 months, through the last five years of my daughter’s life not to be. 

So cheers and high fives to ALL parents celebrating a first day. Your work is seen and appreciated.

And by the way, you’ll be seeing your kids every morning and every afternoon every day for the foreseeable future too. 

*Name changed because motherhood is so fraught I don't want my friends to get judged for sharing their honest experience