Why don't more people use mediation to achieve a 'Good Divorce'

“Emotions can distort rational thought so be curious about your own thoughts and beliefs and how they might be serving you” – Author of the Divorce Manual

Why don't more people use mediation to achieve a 'Good Divorce'

In this article we discover some of the things which sometimes prevent people (barriers) coming into mediation and wasting a great opportunity to have a 'Good Divorce'.

During our first telephone call when people are finding out about mediation I usually ask the person what they understand about mediation.?

I receive a variety of replies, many of which are about right. They say things like;

“You help us sort out what we are going to do with our finances and the children but do not tell us what to do…”

Well, if this is right, why is it that more people do not use mediation, knowing that the alternatives are often to do nothing or go to a solicitor and quite possibly end up in court, spending many ￡1000s.?

Limiting beliefs, Biases, Assumptions

We believe that this is often because of (misplaced) fear, which is of course very real and often based on ‘limiting beliefs’, assumptions’ and ‘misperceptions’.

Many people make assumptions about what mediation involves, what is likely to happen and how they are likely to be able communicate in mediation.

Many of these are very ‘self-limiting’ assumptions, Biases and beliefs, quite naturally based on a person's past experiences and feelings about the other person, the relationship and the quality of the communication, 'when left on their own together'.?

They can overlook or, at least, underestimate the positive impact of a specialist and highly trained communication specialist facilitator (mediator), never having experienced working with one before.

Having asked the person what they understand about mediation and explained a bit more about the process and costs, I often go on to invite the person to take the next step towards mediation and meet with me for a more in depth confidential chat about their situation (MIAM).

I need to listen very carefully to their story and all that it will tell me about themselves and 'their reality'. ?

The 'reality'

At this point, they often say things like;?“yes but..”?or “ I am concerned because”

• “She’s made up her mind already so I cannot see any point to it…”
• “I feel at a huge disadvantage because he has always dealt with the finances..”
• “She intimidates me and doesn’t let me get a word in.”
• “He is so charming but really quite nasty and only wants his own way…..”
• “She will pull the wool over your eyes”
• “We haven’t got anywhere with solicitors so why would mediation work”
• “She is refusing to disclose information to my solicitor so we need to go to court”
• ‘He lies. I can’t trust him’
• "She is so unreliable, she never keeps to any agreement’
• ‘He always has to have the last word, he’s a bully’
• ‘She just wants to delay things’
• ‘How do I know that you are completely impartial. He chose you, I didn’t. He always tries to control everything ’
• We are already in court
• He gets very angry when he doesn't get his own way, it intimidates me

And, so on……

These concerns are mostly real for the person, reflecting ‘real experiences’ and of course need acknowledging.?These beliefs form an integral part of the person's story, their reality.

For my part, I need to understand what the person is basing their thinking on or put another way, what assumptions they may be making about how mediation will ‘play out’ for them and any ‘perceptive’ barriers, beliefs and Biases they may have about each other, the situation and themselves, in view of the experiences they describe to me (resistance and discomfort they are expressing).

What is it really important to each person ?

I listen for the concerns, worries and anxieties being expressed which reveals, among other things, the important?Beliefs?at work and the things of most importance to people?(Values), influencing their thinking and driving their behaviour.

The truth is that people will not know whether mediation can work for them until they try it??One of my jobs is to ensure that I can provide a sufficiently safe space (A thinking environment) in which they will feel safe to express their views and explore ideas with each other.

Often, the best I can do is listen at this stage is to listen and listen very carefully, listening for 'drivers' of thinking (Values, Social Needs, Beliefs, Biases, Asssumptions and so on), validating feelings being expressed, acknowledging objections and concerns, summarising and reflecting back what I am hearing, ensuring that I have understood and that the person believes and feels that I have understood.

Is there a different reality ?

I will also perhaps begin to carefully and sensitively explore with them?an alternative vision and possibility?(Possibility Thinking) based on a future in which mediation might work for them and from which they achieve the things of most importance to them.

I might ask;

“What if?mediation is successful and I (the mediator) can help you both sort out a parenting plan that works for everyone, how different might life and the future be for you and the children..”

“What if, in mediation, your husband or wife is prepared to listen and work with you and me, to sort things out or, at least, I can ensure that you are heard and able to play a full part in the decision- making process”

People quite naturally have concerns, make assumptions and reach conclusions (beliefs) based on ‘their understanding’ of how they think mediation works and how it might work for them based on their past experience of trying to sort things out with their former partner on their own OR based on what some one else has told them about mediation OR perhaps based on whether their solicitors have come to blows and failed to sort things out for them OR on whether they think they have the confidence and ability to work together with the mediator, and so on.

These are all quite normal and understandable barriers to 'thinking about mediation as a realistic option for themselves'.

If I am getting the right signals (motivational language from my client ie I might be willing to...) I might go on to explore their understanding and invite other ways to think about the mediation opportunity (different perspectives), specifically focusing on some of the 'thinking barriers' the conversation may have revealed to me, asking:

“What if?you do not have to be in the same room. You could even arrive and leave at different times.”.

“What if?I provide you with all the information and explanation you both need when you need it and ensure that it is understood.”?

“What if?I ensure that your views and concerns are heard and understood”

“What if?I ensure a minimum of delay and that there is a full, transparent and honest factual disclosure”

“What if?I ensure that you both have the opportunity and time to work through a whole range of options from your different perspectives, some of which you may not have thought about yet”.

"What if" I can explain some of the legal principles which the courts use to decide similar situations and ensure that any outcome you reach is within the parameters of a fair legal outcome.

“What if”?I can help you and your former partner reach an outcome which you both feel is fair enough (is fair in law) and includes in it the things of most importance to you and your former partner

"What if" I can ensure that you get all the professional support you need, during the mediation process, making sure that you have the confidence and competence to make decisions in mediation

“What if”?I ensure that you are given time outside the mediation session to reflect on your discussions and consult with your solicitor if you need to before committing yourself

?AND “What if,?it all gets too much, you can take a break at any stage and if it really does not work for you, you can simply bring it to an end at any stage without fear that anything said in mediation can be used against you in court.?

“And, if it DOES work for you, you will have reach your own out of court settlement, saving thousands of pounds, to say nothing of the other emotional and practical benefits”.

“How does that (look and) sound to you. Is it worth a go? Is it worth trying out one session to see if it works?”

Give mediation a go

I recommend to everyone considering mediation that they find out as much as they can about mediation, read the Divorce Manual, research our website,?read our guides, speak to an experienced family mediator?and, most importantly, give it their best shot and experience it for themselves (The obvious exception to this is if the mediator decides that mediation is unsuitable for safety or some other reason).

The chances are that it will work for you and IF it does you will have saved a great deal of time, money and stress assuming of course that these things are important enough to you.

This way a 'Good Divorce' is possible.