Why It Doesn’t Matter Much Whether You’re a Man or a Woman, for Happiness and Good Habits.
Gretchen Rubin
6x NYT Bestselling Author | Host of the "Happier with Gretchen Rubin" Podcast | Order "Life in Five Senses," out now in paperback
When it comes to figuring out happiness and good habits, I don’t think it matters much if you’re a man or a woman.
It’s easy to assume that certain aspects of ourselves matter more than they do. For instance, birth order. People believe that birth order has a big influence on personality — but research has disproved this. Birth order just doesn’t matter for personality.
Now, whether you’re a man or a woman matters in some situations, sure.
But in general, in my observation, for any particular person, individual differences swamp gender differences.
In my own work and research for The Happiness Project and Better Than Before, I came to believe this more and more strongly.
In my experience, women, especially, often assume that they are the way they are because of being a woman. “I’m like this, and I’m like this because I’m a woman, and most women are like this.” But to me, it seems that this points to some aspect of their personality that’s not related to gender.
My first and very strong clue about this came when I was devising the Four Tendencies framework. I’d noticed that many women said to me, “Why is it that busy moms like us can’t take time for ourselves?”
And I’d think, well, I consider myself a busy mom, but I don’t have trouble taking care of myself. So why am I different?
Now I know: this feeling of “not being able to take time for myself” isn’t a female thing, it’s an Obliger thing. Obliger men feel this way, too, but they don’t ascribe it to gender.
Because of my strong conclusion that gender matters a lot less than people assume, I was fascinated to read the two pieces: Wired’s “Netflix’s Grand, Daring, Maybe Crazy Plan to Conquer the World” and Fortune‘s “Netflix Says Geography, Age, and Gender are ‘Garbage’ for Predicting Taste.”
When Nexflix tries to figure out what will appeal to viewers, it ignores geography, age, and gender: “in general, the variation within any population group is much wider than the collective difference between any two groups.” So whether a person is a man or a woman isn’t useful information for Netflix, when they’re trying to understand their customers.
The fact is, people often make sweeping generalizations about what “women” and “men” are like — but research suggests that these assumptions aren’t correct. The article “Men Are from Mars Earth, Women Are from Venus Earth,” summed up research done at the University of Rochester:
“From empathy to sexuality to science inclination to extroversion, statistical analysis of 122 different characteristics involving 13,301 individuals shows that men and women, by and large, do not fall into different groups. In other words, no matter how strange and inscrutable your partner may seem, their gender is probably only a small part of the problem.”
This wrong belief matters to happiness and habits, I think, because it means that people often misunderstand their own experience, and for that reason, can’t tackle a challenge in the most effective way.
If I think “I can’t take time for myself because I’m a woman,” I may not try to do anything about it. If I think “I can’t take time for myself because I’m an Obliger,” I may decide, “I need accountability to get myself to go to the gym, so I’d better sign up with a trainer/join a running group/take a class.”
More and more, I see that it’s very, very hard to appreciate how other people might see the world in a different way.
People often say things like, “Well, of course, sometimes all of us just need to throw all the rules out the window and just indulge ourselves.” “All teenagers rebel.” “If people would just read the report and understand the facts, they’d follow this program.” “No one wants someone looking over their shoulder all the time.” “It’s not healthy to be too rigid.” “If something’s important to you, you should be able to do it without any reminders.”
But these generalizations just aren’t universally true. They’re true for some people.
I think it’s much more helpful to say, “What kind of person am I? What’s true about me?” than think “We women struggle with…” or “We men always…” Because when we’re trying to understand ourselves, gender doesn’t provide a very helpful guide.
Agree, disagree?
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Gretchen Rubin is the author of the blockbuster New York Times bestsellers, Better Than Before, The Happiness Project, and Happier at Home. She writes about happiness and habit-formation at gretchenrubin.com. Follow her here by clicking the yellow FOLLOW button, on Twitter, @gretchenrubin, on Facebook, facebook.com/GretchenRubin. Or listen to her popular podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin.
Photo: thetaufan, flickr
Helping people to thrive by focusing on the personal tools for success.
7 年An interesting perspective, thank you Gretchen. I like the idea that by naming the behaviour/ belief (e.g. obliger) we bring it back to our locus of control where we can take action to change things, whatever our gender and however we choose to identify ourselves. I think you are right that gender per se matters less than we give it credit for but I think we shouldn't understate the role of cultural/societal expectations and the gender stereotyping that ensues. I know some studies show that the division of household labour becomes more balanced over time but anecdotally, I would suggest that women still do (are expected to do? expect to do? accept doing?!) most of the thinking about, planning and organising of childcare, schooling and household management in addition to managing their work and career and this makes it easier to fall into the trap of always putting others first and self-care way down the list of priorities. I suspect our habits may be more influenced by gender stereotyping than by gender itself.
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7 年My feminist mom told me, "The ONLY thing a woman can do that a man can't is have a baby." Simple.
Consultant-Learning & Development at INSIGHTS
7 年The only difference that does matter in some situations between the two genders is that in general ,women are physically weaker than men. Also the fundamental role of women being child bearers and child rearers and that of men being providers, influences the differences between the genders. Other than that it's all in the way we think...nothing to do gender.
Very interesting article, indeed :) I agree with you. I think that we can't "put everything in the same box". People are so different, so unique! I think that's something that everyone should understand and embrace.
Motivational Speaker at Stonecroft Ministries
8 年Differences should be celebrated not denied. It is our differences that make the world beautiful. They are what make us unique and individual. It isn't only our gender that makes us different from one another but, we cannot deny that it is part of what makes us unique. Everybody wants to fit in to be happy but happiness isn't about fitting in. Its about acceptance of yourself because you are different and not being concerned about other's opinions. I am a woman and I accept myself as I was created. I like things that men like but I also love being feminine. I dont let people tell me what to like or not like. That is just plain stupid. I am different from everyone else and there is a specific reason for this. I accept and embrace it but I don't expect everyone else in the world to change how they live or to be made uncomfortable to accommodate me. I don't expect others to celebrate me. That is wrong in so many ways...and would be so extremely selfish of me. I don't judge others. That's not my job. Nor is it anyone's job to judge me because I am different. We are all the same in one way. We all need to be loved... And we all are to give love. But love doesn't always feel good. Love, however, always does what is good and right. Love is more concerned about others than "self".