Why does ‘love’ not last forever?

Why don’t you see ‘Our 20th month wedding anniversary’ celebration on social media as often as you see ‘Our happy 3rd month wedding anniversary’? Why do couples, who once felt ‘I found my person’ vibe; do not feel the same two years after their wedding? If that honeymoon of yours was so good; then why does it not last? If that memory was so precious to you, why and how did you allow it to fade?

No, it was not you and not your partner responsible for the fading novelty factor, popularly called ‘Vibes’, ‘Chemistry’ or simply ‘My type’ etc. It is a neurotransmitter in your brain which makes it happen. The name of this neurotransmitter is dopamine.

Being gifted with dopamine is both a blessing and a curse. Because on the one hand it propels us to do more, achieve more and become creative. On the other it hates routine, which is why you get bored easily after a while; especially when the novelty factor wears off. There is a constant craving for more combined with boredom with what we have.

Dopamine is an attraction: Take romantic attraction for instance; you fall in love with a person and begin to feel this is exactly what you have been missing all your life. Suddenly all your pains seem to go away, and this new person becomes the panacea for all your problems and worries. Inside the brain it is dopamine rush, which gives you feeling of joy, pleasure, and euphoria as if you in a fairy land. This state of mind is often called as ‘Honeymoon phase’ where you feel heightened emotions, increased energy, and abundant pleasure.

Dopamine is an addiction: It is an addiction because it plays a pivotal role in the reward center of our brain. Every time you are with your person of interest, your brain rewards you with increased pleasure. As a result, you crave it more, you become obsessive about each other, and you get addicted. This obsession is displayed in both your thoughts as well as in your actions.

Dopamine is temporary: Dopamine craves something new, something exciting, something surprising in life. But relationships are not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Once you are in a relationship for a substantial amount of time, you know each other well. Once you become familiar, you become predictable and there goes out the dopamine rush.

How to deal with dopamine in a relationship?

1.????? Stop taking each other for granted: When?couples start taking each other for granted, they also stop putting effort into the relationship. So, continue to explore the world together, continue to add little surprises and keep the spark alive. Every phase of your life is a new beginning, so treat that in a new way and grow old together. Do not take each other for granted.

2.???? Build a balance between novelty and routine: Novelty would keep the spark alive while routine would provide you with the much-needed assurance and stability. So, establish some routine which you can do together and become predictable for it. At the same time remember to go the extra mile and do something extra for your partner, it can be giving a rose or cooking a meal etc.

3.???? Spend more time & energy on Self-Care: You can’t pour from an empty cup. You must take care of yourself first so that you do not become overly dependent on your partner to make you happy. Get into some hobbies, build a life for you first. When you continue to take care of yourself, you will not easily get bored, and you will not crave dopamine.

4.??? Stop engaging in high dopamine activities: Stop binge watching television shows and web series. Stop mindless scrolling through social media reels. Because the more you engage in these activities, the less you will appreciate routine things in life.

5.???? Start engaging in low dopamine activities: Try cooking a delicious meal, learn how to draw and paint a canvas. Go for a walk, do some light exercise, listen to music. Talk to people in person instead of engaging with them digitally.

Published earlier in the newspaper tabloid "The Desert Trail"