Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

It’s human nature to seek closure, especially when relationships don’t work out as we thought. Or when the people you interact with, be it your boss, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, or siblings, treat you callously. When this happens, many of us, by default, will ask, “What did I do to deserve this?”

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft is a book that helps you reorient your compass from internalizing how people treat you to looking at the person’s shortcomings or callousness that results in their behaviour.

It guides you to shift from blaming yourself for the actions of others to putting the responsibility of these actions squarely on the shoulders they belong on. This book shifts your mindset from “He slapped me because I provoked him” to “He slaps me because he is violent.”

Although the book is catered towards victims of domestic and intimate partner violence, it sheds light on the dynamics of abuse as well as the misguided notions that will keep you asking victim-blaming questions like “Why doesn’t she leave if he’s so bad?”

This book takes you into the mind of the abuser. You see their primary drive, why they do what they do. It takes you through the methods they use to isolate you from others. The way their character changes when they are with you versus when they are with your family, friends, or associates.

It shows you what abuse does to your mind and how the methods of the abuser can lead to internalising their shortcomings and outbursts as your fault. You start seeing yourself as the problem, thus somewhat deserving of the treatment others direct towards you, especially when that treatment is abusive.

While this book is highly recommended for anyone who has suffered through abuse, I found it to be a useful tool in noticing situations that may be abusive or result in the same. It is also a helpful guide in decentering yourself from the actions of others towards you and protecting your self-esteem in the process.

The book takes you through mindsets that, although they may not be full-blown abusive, are problematic enough to escalate into abusive situations.

I’d highly recommend this book if you have found yourself thinking you deserved abuse or poor treatment or think you overreacted to situations that made you feel disrespected, disregarded and dehumanized.

Most importantly, this book is a great resource for women who are currently being abused, helping them view the situation through the right lens, plan their safe escape, and develop the skills to recognize the warning signs of abuse.

If you keep finding yourself in abusive dynamics, this is also a good book to read. You may identify some of the patterns that keep leading you into abusive situations.

If you are abusive yourself, maybe reading the book can help you become more conscious of your actions and take the steps you should take to protect the people around you from your behaviour.