Why Does This Always Happen To Me?

How many times have you said, "Why does this always happen to me!" It might well be the case that it does, or it might be our negativity bias, it might be the emotional attraction, or possibly the way we recall similar events from our past. There is a way to understand and change this, examine the why.

As we go through life and negative events happen, our brain places a marker in our memory as a point of reference for the future, mainly so that we can avoid similar situations in the future. The problem, the marker does not clarify the exact cause or how we got through the event, it simply records the part of the event where our emotion was at its highest.

Next, unless you recall the initial event at the time you are about to undertake a similar activity you will likely do the same thing again because you got through that initial event. The brain simply processed, 'It worked last time so do the same now' without examining the full circumstance.

Then we introduce our traits, habits, experiences, education, etc. Generally, we repeat our behaviours because our brain prefers to stick to patterns of behaviour, known as habits which are based on neural pathways. These pathways are there to keep us safe; they are the known pattern of behaviour and will work this time because they worked last time, we are still alive!

Our brain is a dumb tool designed for simpler times and although our world has developed, our brain hasn't kept pace. Sure, the brain has developed from the basic stem to one now that is more complex, but this has taken millions of years to develop. Yet, the fundamentals remain since the earliest of times - fight, flight, or freeze.

We learn by doing and, until we have experienced something several times, we might not get things right on the first or second, or even third occasion. Do we learn from our past, yes, but only if we go back and examine what took place to find the common cause and change it.

A simple technique is to examine each event in turn to look for similarities than differences. This can be an emotional activity as you examine each one but is a necessary part of the process. The emotion must come out and the sooner we get it out the less likely we are to recall that event/s. 'Run to the fire' and get that emotion out.

Emotions are located in the limbic system where there is no thinking, it is an automatic response based on the situation we have faced in the past. If there is no reference, we will automatically go into an alert state. Thinking is done in the executive function, our pre-frontal cortex where logic is found.

Write a list of the occasions where the same event has happened, this places you into that cluster as markers of a similar nature tend to connect together. They are joined by synapses, if you want to go down that worm hole to find out more about how synapses work, here is the link . Good luck!

Next, write down beside each event what was similar about each one in the cluster and identify a common theme or single causal factor about them, apart from the fact that you are involved. Was it a choice that you made, were you drawn to the similarity for a reason, was your judgement clouded by emotional attraction, is there one common action that you can now learn from and change? This is how we learn; looking back, opening it up, and examining the event/s.

Examine what you might change about the similarities when you are next in the same situation?

To complete the process, and this is a very necessary part, look for the differences in each event. These are often more difficult to find because we are all-consumed with the commonalities, the 'why me' factor. It is in the differences with each event that we realise it was not necessarily us that was the cause, it was the situation, the emotion, or it just 'was'. This is the part of the process that is empowering. You realise that not all events are the same, it's just how our brain recalls them, in clusters.

It is far better to do this technique with someone guiding you. Coming from a different perspective and disconnected from the events brings objectivity and a new lens through which to view them.

If you want to make this activity fun, and why shouldn't it be fun, get a few friends together and make it an inspirational learning party. A game where each person has a turn at examining their 'why does this always happen to me' events and having prizes when factors are identified.

Coming together with others makes us feel safer knowing that we are all very similar, knowing others have faced similar events, knowing we are not alone. Additionally, showing our own vulnerability helps others to show theirs. Together we learn, grow, thrive, and prosper. For this is how humans have got to where we are today, together.

It is what it is because it was what it was, it's what you do now that matters - I have this tattooed on my chest as a reminder.

Let's talk!

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Lance, a former police crisis negotiator and personnel?development manager, now provides enhanced communication, safety management, and personal resilience support to businesses across all industries;?https://www.warninternational.com/ ?

Lance is the author of the bestsellers - Behind The Tape and Dark Side of the Brain?-?https://www.warninternational.com/products?category=Books has created a series of eLearning courses - https://elearning.warninternational.com/

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