Why do you need to be right?

I see a lot of conflict on LinkedIn. That isn’t a statement that I expect will surprise many people. Despite my professional work covering data protection, plain English and coaching, my feed is mostly data protection stuff so that’s where I see the most conflict.?

Sometimes the conflict is about matters of fact. And by fact I mean definitive, evidenced, irrefutable fact. Such as people stating that the rules on when you can and can’t send unsolicited direct marketing are in GDPR, and very angry people shouting them down that the rules are in fact in a different law.

I worry about the blood pressure of all concerned to be arguing simple facts so vociferously, and I’m not sure why the tone has to be so aggressive. But with simple facts like this, the right and wrong positions are clear.

A lot of the conflict I see though is not about fact. It’s about different views on, and interpretations of, the law or how to do things in practice. People express the thoughts in their head, and those thoughts are not the same as other people’s. And often they express those thoughts angrily, aggressively, with no thought for the person receiving them. They insult each other, they try to be scathing and superior. Some delete comments they don’t agree with, some refuse to allow any debate at all. “I am right and you are wrong.”

And when I see this playing out, more often than not I have the same thought: why do you need to be right???

Here’s the thing: thoughts are not facts, they are opinions

And opinions can be changed. But only if you are able to accept this fact, and are open-minded enough to hear and consider what others have to say. (Side note, I personally think if everyone read Stephen Covey’s book ‘The 7 habits of highly effective people’, online ‘debate’ might be an actual debate.)?

So I ask again: why do you need to be right??

What are you trying to prove? What are you adding to this topic? Who are you helping? And why is any of that important??

Questioning your motives before taking to your keyboard in a rage of fire and fury is likely to be good for your own health as well as for everyone else.?

WIll the world come crashing down if you don’t express what’s in your head? Breathe in, breathe out. Perspective, people.??

You are unique

One of the things that causes the most conflict and misunderstanding, both at work and in personal lives, is forgetting that we're all different and unique. Different experiences, different approaches, different ways of thinking, different values....?

If you stop and think about your own life for a few minutes - what it's been like, who has been in it, what you've done, what you've not done, and how it's shaped you - it's clearly ludicrous that anyone else would think exactly like you do or have the same perspectives you have!?

We are all shaped by a wide variety of influences and factors: our earliest caregivers, our experience (or not) of education, friends, relatives, the pop star we had a crush on, the environment we grew up in, the advantages we had, the obstacles we faced, and how we dealt with it all. All we know is our own experience, we can’t possibly know all that detail about everyone else. And even if we did, we haven’t lived it as they have.

So why would it be true that only your way is the right way??

Why would your opinions be more valid than someone else’s???

Remembering we're all unique, and that difference does not equal wrong, is a good rule of thumb to have good relationships with others. Being curious rather than defensive when presented with a difference, or having your own view challenged, is a healthier approach for everyone.

We live in a time where opposing views shouting at each other is the norm. Where there is no longer any nuance, just right and wrong, us and them. Where we have forgotten that people and topics are complex and deserve thought and consideration.?

We can do better

Here are some of my suggestions for healthier debate. As with all thoughts, opinions and advice - reject what is evil, use what is helpful.

★ Before you post, comment or reply about something as a fact, pause and ask yourself: Is it an actual fact? Or just my opinion? If it’s a fact, can I evidence it?

★ Before you touch the keyboard to react, pause and:?

◆ ask yourself why you are so angry about their view;

◆ be curious about why they have a different take;

◆ question your motivation for responding; and

◆ ask yourself if this is the best use of your time right now.

★ After you type your response, pause and re-read it, and put yourself in the shoes of the recipient.

◆ Are you shouting at them? Why?

◆ Have you resorted to personal insults? Why?

◆ How would you feel if someone spoke to you as you have responded?

★ Ask yourself if you are adding anything useful, or helping anyone, with your response. What’s the impact if you just don’t respond?

★ And finally, ask yourself - why do you need to be right on this?