Why do you believe what you believe?

Have you ever pondered this question?

Amid a spirited debate with a long-time friend which centered on conspiracy theories related to COVID-19, I posed that question. At first she appeared irritated as I paused the tit-for-tat with what she perceived to be a zinger. After 10 awkward seconds, realizing I was genuinely interested in her answer, she responded, “Because I’ve read extensive articles about it online.” Off we went to another debate about where can one find real truth these days. Both debates remain unresolved.

In other news, I thought about that conversation for days after as the question “Why do you believe what you believe?” wouldn’t leave me alone. I arm-wrestled it to arrive at my own answer, and tested my hypotheses within my personal and professional circles. I concluded there are three primary means by which we come to believe what we believe, which may hold keys to promoting deeper levels of compassion and connection among humans (both of which are desperately needed right now):

1.      Default: This is likely the way many of our beliefs came to be, at least at first. We grew up in environments where certain beliefs were held without question, challenge or a quest for greater understanding. “My mother believed this and I respect her so I believe it, too.” “My uncle is a university professor and he told me this so I believe it.” “I never really thought about it, it’s just something that has always been.” So on and so on - the beliefs default to become our own, often unconsciously. (Ever heard of unconscious bias? I suspect defaulting beliefs play a role.)

A defaulted belief system can be dicey as it requires little or no thinking or accountability because we rely on the equivalent of the “everyone else is doing it” logic. This approach doesn’t get you out of a speeding ticket on the Garden State Parkway, and it may not be a productive way to deepen your learnings and levels of human connection through spirited debate and a quest for what really makes other people tick. 

Start with identifying default beliefs you hold to get at biases or barriers you may not be aware of. A way to do this is to reflect when someone asks, "What do you think about (insert topic)?" As you answer, take it to the next level (even if it's to yourself) to dissect why you think about the issue the way you do. If you can't answer, it's likely a default belief.

2.      Experiences: As we go through life experiences, we may come to (consciously or not) hold beliefs shaped by them. Will I ever believe again that anyone approaching a stop sign will stop? Nope – not since I got T-boned at age 17 in a car accident by a stop-sign runner, totaling my father’s beloved Honda Accord and getting injured in the process. Right, wrong, irrational or not – that experience shaped my beliefs about certain driving behaviors of others, and they are moored tightly in my psyche.  

I love Randy Pausch’s quote, “Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.” From any experience, good or bad, we grow. When we allow ourselves to grow we become more open to different beliefs (even if we don’t agree with them), which promotes empathy, tolerance, understanding, unity and deeper human connections. 

(It's been many years of testing myself to trust others at stop signs, a painful growth process I admit I will never master. But I remain committed to growing in other areas.)

3.      Diligence: Perhaps the most unexplored belief formation mechanism. How often have you stopped to ask yourself “Why do I believe what I believe?” and REALLY drilled it down to the core? Moreover, have you ever tried to challenge yourself to change a long-held belief? 

The very act of asking yourself if a belief was informed by hear-say, research, media, Google, and/or experiences of others may open your heart and mind to different perspectives. Be mindful that the Internet lies, people make stuff up to stir things up, and opinions of others may be the result of vastly different life circumstances than yours.

While sources of validated information can be hard to come by these days, debate the merits of a belief with the person you likely trust most - yourself. This is tough stuff – requiring grit, self-reflection and perhaps a dreaded about-face when you realize a belief you’ve held is flawed or not based on anything (i.e., you’ve defaulted).  

Reconciling why you believe what you believe instills a settling peace because – as I always say – “I reserve the right to get smarter.” It’s not about admitting you’re wrong, but rather opening yourself up to higher levels of understanding of who you are as a person, which in turn helps you truly understand others and their beliefs better – even when they're dramatically different than yours. 

Plus, understanding why you believe what you believe fosters intellectually stimulating and enriching conversations versus collectively-delusional, escalating Twitter one-ups from which no good or growth comes.

In a world filled with uninformed, undue judgement and social media wrath from even the most innocent expressions, many preach that overcoming requires understanding.  Direct that energy to self-understanding to unlock your ability to better understand and appreciate others (and the reasons they believe what they believe).