Why Do We Seek External Validation?

Let's talk about something we all grapple with but rarely discuss openly - our constant hunt for other people's approval. As someone who works with people worldwide on mindset and energetics, I've seen first hand how this need for external validation manifests in our lives, from frantically checking our Instagram likes to anxiously waiting for our manager's feedback on a project. And I can tell you, even those who seem most confident aren't immune to this - I've worked with CEOs who appear unshakeable in meetings but still refresh their LinkedIn notifications just as anxiously as the rest of us.

The Ancient Roots of Our Approval-Seeking Behaviour

This pattern of human behaviour is not new, it's hard wired in our DNA right back to the whole tribe lifestyle and means for survival. Back then, being valued by others wasn't just to feel good, it was actually more to stay alive. The more the tribe accepted you, the better your chances of survival.

Fast forward to today, and we're still running that same ancient programming, just in a totally different world. Instead of seeking approval for our hunting skills, we're obsessing over social media interactions. Different context, same basic human need. In very real terms - when was the last time you hesitated before posting something, wondering how it would be received? That's your ancestral programming at work, treating social media reactions as if they were life-or-death tribal acceptance signals. The great news is that it's simple to change.

The Fascinating Science Behind Our Validation-Seeking Behaviour

The dopamine hit is real! You know that lovely burst of pleasure you feel when someone likes your post or compliments your work? That's your brain releasing dopamine - the same feel-good chemical that makes chocolate so irresistible. It's like your brain has its own little reward system that says, "Brilliant job! Someone approved of you! Do more of that!"

This creates the validation loop where you do something, get praise, feel brilliant, and naturally want to do it again. It's a perfectly natural system, but in our hyperconnected world, it can turn into a bit of an addiction if we're not careful. I've seen clients who literally can't put their phone down to eat lunch without posting a photo of it first - that's how powerful this loop can become!

What's particularly interesting is how this validation-seeking behaviour has evolved in the digital age. We've gone from seeking approval from our immediate social circle to craving validation from complete strangers across the globe. The metrics have become more sophisticated too - it's not just about likes anymore, but about engagement rates, reach, and influence scores.

The Dark Side of Always Seeking Approval

Let's get real about what happens when we're too dependent on other people's opinions:

Your Identity Gets Fuzzy

I can't tell you how many successful clients I've worked with who look brilliant on paper but feel completely lost inside. Why? Because they've spent so much time trying to be what everyone else wants that they've forgotten who they actually are. They don't know who they are when they're not working.

Your Emotions Go on a Roller Coaster

When your happiness depends on other people's reactions, you're basically giving them the remote control to your emotional state. One minute you're up, the next you're down - all based on someone else's opinion. I've seen people change their whole mood by what's happened externally to a post, to a launch, to a blog!! It's exhausting, and more importantly, it's unsustainable.

Your Energy Takes a Hit

Speaking from an energetic perspective, constantly seeking approval is like having a leak in your energy field. You're always pushing your energy outward, trying to get something back, instead of maintaining and building your own power. It's exhausting, and I see the effects in my clients all the time - overwhelm, burnout, and a persistent feeling of never being enough.

Decision Paralysis Sets In

Here's something I see a lot - people who can't make even simple decisions without consulting five friends, checking online reviews, and doing extensive research. While getting input isn't bad, needing external validation for every choice - from what to have for lunch, to what job to take - can be paralysing.

The Impact on Professional Life

This need for validation can be particularly damaging in the workplace. I've seen talented professionals hold back great ideas in meetings because they're afraid of criticism, or take on too much work because they can't say no - all stemming from this need for approval. In entrepreneurship, the pattern of coach hopping is something I see too, with the fear of judgement or rejection being at the heart of their patterns.

How Culture Plays Into This

The need for more likes, followers, to belong to more spaces, more subscribers. The choices are endless and there is a real pressure felt externally to conform. The social media culture has created a new form of social currency that can feel impossible to opt out of.

Finding Your Way Back to Self-Trust

Some external validation is super healthy; praise, for example, can be really great for momentum. The skill is to not let others affect how you show up in your life. Instead, it's about finding that sweet spot between external feedback and internal confidence. Here's what works:

Start Noticing Your Patterns

Just become aware of when you're seeking approval. It might surprise you how often you do it! Try keeping a simple note on your phone whenever you notice yourself seeking validation - it's often eye-opening. Pay particular attention to your social media habits and workplace behaviours.

Get Back in Your Own Energy

Learn to ground yourself instead of constantly reaching out for validation. Simple stuff like walking in nature, looking up at the sky or even just taking a few deep breaths can help you reconnect with your own inner wisdom. One of my favourite exercises is the "future self check-in" - asking yourself what your wise future self would advise, rather than asking your entire friend group.

Work out What Actually Matters to You

Spend some quality time getting clear on your own values and desires, separate from what everyone else thinks you should want. For example, write down your goals, then next to each one, note whether it's something you genuinely want or something you think would impress others. Be brutally honest - you might be surprised by what you discover.

Set Some Healthy Boundaries

Learn to appreciate praise without becoming dependent on it. It's like enjoying pudding without needing it to survive. Start by waiting 30 minutes before checking the reactions to something you've posted online - break that immediate gratification cycle. Consider having specific times of day when you check social media, rather than responding to every notification.

Develop Internal Metrics

Instead of relying solely on external feedback, create your own measures of success. What makes you feel proud, regardless of others' opinions? What values do you want to embody? These internal metrics can serve as a more stable foundation for self-worth.

The Power of Real Connection

Here's an interesting twist: while you're working on becoming less dependent on validation, staying connected to others is still super important. The key is shifting from seeking approval to building genuine connections and getting feedback that helps you grow. This can be called conscious interdependence - staying connected while maintaining your own stable core.

This means learning to differentiate between validation-seeking behaviour and genuine connection. For example, sharing your achievements because you want to celebrate with friends is different from sharing them because you need their approval to feel good about yourself.

Moving Forward

As we navigate this increasingly connected world, getting a handle on our need for validation becomes more important than ever. It's not about becoming some lone wolf who doesn't care what anyone thinks. Instead, it's about finding that sweet spot where external validation is like the cherry on top of your self-worth pudding - nice to have, but not the main ingredient.

Remember, the most sustainable form of validation comes from being in sync with your authentic self. Sure, getting likes on your latest post feels good, but nothing beats the feeling of knowing you're living in alignment with your truth. Start small - perhaps by making one decision today based purely on what you want, not what others might think.

What's your take on external validation? Have you noticed how it shows up in your life? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences - feel free to get in touch. And if you know you are out of alignment with yourself then take a look at the DEVOTION programme and see how it can support you.

Charlotte Carter is a Mindset and Energetics Mentor and the founder and CEO of?I Dare To Leap. She hosts the global?Embody Your Energy?podcast and has written for many publications including Grazia, Hello!, The Daily Telegraph, Metro and Marie Claire.

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