Why do we resist setting boundaries?

A familiar scenario…

Picture this.

You are sitting at your desk, it is well past your working hours and your partner is texting you to remind you of the dinner arrangements you made with friends you have been dying to see for a while.

Your boss asked you 5 minutes before leaving whether you could "be a life saver" and spare an hour or so to complete that engagement report he has not gotten round to, and you agree with a sense of pride, because it makes you feel indispensable. What would he do without you, you always save his butt at the last minute!

As you're wrapping up, a colleague sits uncomfortably close at your desk with buttery eyes asking if you would be so kind to make a few customer calls on his behalf, because you have such "great phone manner" and he has to dash off for a rugby game.

Before you have a chance to protest, he is out of the room and a long list of phone numbers is staring at you from your desk. You sigh, message your partner to let him know you will be late to dinner, and get to work.

Sounds familiar? Different versions of this scenario play out in our careers, and are a clear sign that you need boundaries. And you need them fast!

But why is it so darn difficult to set them?

These thought patterns is what will keep you stuck

There are many reasons why we tend to say yes on autopilot, without consideration for our own needs and goals. Here are a few common thought patterns associated with lack of boundaries:

1) "I don't want to threaten my relationships"

Setting boundaries can feel 'icky' and uncomfortable. Many of us hold a belief that saying no to others and asserting our standards and expectations makes us egocentric and selfish. Setting boundaries can be really challenging because of the underlying fear of rocking the boat and ultimately threatening our relationships with others.

Here is the punchline: it is those people who most resist and judge you setting boundaries who have in the past benefitted from you having none! It threatens their position and power, and holds up an uncomfortable mirror that reflects back to them the self-serving patterns of the past. In the words of Rachel Wolchin,

?“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do.”

The truth is, having healthy boundaries is a sign of self-respect and empowers healthy relationships with people, rid of resentment and burnout which often come with lack of boundaries.

Assuming that a refusal will be met with rejection and judgment is nothing but catastrophic thinking, and saying 'no' in a polite and respectful way can preserve the relationships, whilst taking care of your own needs.

?2) "I've always said yes, I don't want people to think I've changed"

The patterns of behaviour associated with lack of boundaries start early, it is often said that “parent-pleasers become people-pleasers”. We are hard-wired for connection, and one of our core needs is a need for belonging and acceptance. Add a spoonful of social conditioning of women as obedient, agreeable, and helpful, and you have a recipe for self-sacrifice and repeated boundary violations.

Certain cultures emphasise the role of women as nurturers, taking care of others, always lending a helpful hand as a norm and expectation and those patterns can feel very difficult to break without the feeling of guilt and self-judgment.

We might view saying no as a sign of moral failing, especially if others have become reliant on us to always step in when a project needed rescuing, or a last-minute task needed completing and no one else seems to be up to the task. The fear of letting people down is what will keep you stuck in people pleasing and leave you vulnerable to manipulation.

3) "I don't want to be seen as uncommitted and miss out on opportunities"

Fear of missing out (FOMO) can be a big reason why we allow others to cross our boundaries and send us running on a treadmill of overcommitment. It is natural for many of us to not want to miss out on opportunities for growth, recognition, and a good feeling that comes with being seen as a helpful, reliable human.

This might be exacerbated by the fact that women have come such a long way to have access to the same opportunities as men in their careers, that refusing to step in is wrapped in fear of being seen as uncommitted, and might as a result lead to missed opportunities.

The downside is that we say yes to virtually anything without considering how it aids our own career goals and objectives, leaving us with very little time or energy to invest in our own career development in a meaningful way.

As women in particular, we need to drop this inherent need to prove the world that we can do it all, and allow some slip ups in order to create space for our own growth and fulfilment. To all perfectionists out there, it take practice and a lot of self-compassion.

5) "I have nothing better to do, might as well help"

One major reason why we are unable to set firm boundaries on our time and energy is that we are not clear on our own priorities and goals, leaving us susceptible to fulfilling career objectives of others, instead of our own. We give our power away by minimising our own needs and lacking clarity of where we should be focusing instead.

Fulfilling other people's agenda might give us an illusion of productivity and working towards something important, however not taking a moment to consider how these tasks fit with your own career goals, means that we are operating on autopilot, as passengers on a plane to nowhere.

Don't be a 'YES' woman

If you constantly find yourself playing out a female version of Jim Carey in the 'Yes Man' movie, it's time to check in with yourself and ask yourself what truly matters to you. Getting sucked into the toxic orbit of those who do not respect your time and energy will not support you in building a career success you dream of.

Boundaries are not only healthy, but also necessary. They do not have to be rigid, impenetrable walls protecting you from exploitation, but rather an invisible forcefield you can flex according to your needs and priorities at the time. Boundaries tell you what you are comfortable with, what you will not tolerate, and what you have capacity to engage in.

Having clear boundaries does not mean setting on a warpath of relationship destruction and accepting a path of isolation, nor it has to conflict with your moral standards. Whilst you cannot control others' response to you upholding your boundaries, there are constructive ways of communicating those, whilst preserving your relationships and reputation.

Keep an eye out for my next post on how to set boundaries politely and respectfully, in the meantime, register for my next 5-day 'Courage to be YOU' Immersion Event starting 4 April to learn to back yourself up with courage and confidence.

Check out the link in the comments!?