Why do we need to be there for ourselves, before we can be there for others?

Our mental health landscape is evolving, and with that comes an outpouring of the sharing of vulnerabilities, struggles, loss, pain, and suffering. As more people become aware of their mental health struggles and more open to seeking treatment, we must also be conscious of the limited pool of resources we have in terms of mental health treatment. We only have so many mental health professionals. There are only so many people these therapists, counsellors, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists can see a day – they are human too, and this line of work takes its toll on them physically, mentally, and emotionally.?

In this regard, the work of creating a society that thrives mentally and emotionally doesn’t just fall on the shoulders of our mental health professionals – it falls on the shoulders of all of us to empower each other and lift each other up in times of struggle. But what does it really mean to be there for another person?

As Singaporeans, we tend to be result-oriented, and that spills over into the way we listen to the people around us. But that’s not to blame anyone – after all, we weren’t taught in schools how to connect and be there for another person in an empowering way. We were only taught how to think with our brains, not feel with our hearts. We were only taught to get the highest results and ace our exams – not how to flow with the process and just be there in the process without rushing towards the end goal.?

As a result, when someone confides in us, our instinctive response is to offer up solutions and quick-fixes to their problems. We bombard them with surface-level comfort like “you’ll get over it soon”, “cheer up”, “stay strong and positive”, or “don’t cry; others have it worse out there”.?

When we offer them quick solutions to their problems, we’re looking at things through a practical and pragmatic lens which fails to consider the emotional factors involved. When we offer up these kinds of words of comfort, what we’re really telling them is that their emotions are somehow wrong, that some emotions have more value than others, and we pass on the message that there is no safe space available for them to share about themselves.?

What happens then is that they bottle up their feelings and issues, which leads to a whole slew of undesirable consequences.?

Their negative emotions can, over time, manifest as physical illnesses. Quick fix solutions that do not tackle the root issue that causes these problems also do not help the person in the long run. We also hinder them from being able to hold safe spaces for others to share about their own vulnerabilities and struggles.?

Perhaps it is time for us to realise that what we think is necessary during these moments of vulnerable sharing is actually not what is helpful in moving things forward. Perhaps all people are looking for is an unconditional listening ear in a safe space. Perhaps there is a need for us to work on ourselves, so that we understand what the necessary crucial elements are when it comes to the support for another person.?

How then, do we be there for another person? What are the elements that are necessary in that safe space of support??

To illustrate, oftentimes, the concept of active listening comes up, and many of us might have once googled what active listening entails, and we understand that at the bare minimum, it requires us to:

• Refrain from talking when the other part is speaking
• Let the other party know we’re listening through affirmations, facial expressions, or other non-verbal cues
• Be able to repeat what others have said

However, active listening requires more than just those three factors. Essentially, active listening fundamentally requires us to be wholly present with the other person. This could mean being present to:

• The various emotions that are surfacing in them as they are sharing
• Their body language
• What is said, and what is being left unsaid
• What they are looking for – are they just looking to vent, or are they looking for advice?
• The ambiance – is the surrounding environment disruptive, or does it support the safe space that is necessary for this person to comfortably share vulnerably?
• Being present to our own filters and how we might be interpreting the information we’re receiving
• Being present to our own internal conversations about the person and what is being shared
• Being present to our own internal state, and how that is affecting our ability to be present

Thus, being a good listener is not just about having good listening skills. It also requires the fundamental capacity to be wholly present in any given situation, and that requires self-awareness, self-examination, and inner work as a daily practice for us to be able to identify what it is that will cause us to not be present in the moment, and manage those factors.?

We might be able to physically sit with a person and have a meal with them, but it does not translate into an ability to be mentally and emotionally present as well. How many times are our souls at work while we’re having a conversation with someone else? How many times do we disrupt the flow of those conversations when we pick up the phone from the table to answer a notification, even if we tell the other party that we’re here with them and listening? How often are we able to actually switch off from our phones entirely as we listen to someone else for just an hour??

It might seem like this ability is largely dependent on external factors – after all, how can we control what happens at work, and what work demands of us – but this is a misconception, and it revolves around our ability to manage ourselves, draw boundaries, and stick to them so that we can do what matters.?

How exactly are we going to listen well if there’s always going to be a part of us watching out for the work call that may inevitably arrive?

If work keeps calling for our attention to the point where it infringes on our personal time, ask yourself: what is your personal participation in the way this dynamic unfolded? How have you contributed to it? Are you inefficient or ineffective in the way you work?

How exactly are we going to be there for anyone if we can’t even be there for ourselves and draw that clear boundary between personal time, and work time??

How exactly are we going to be able to do what matters to us if we’re so easily taken up by the demands of work??

This is why becoming a better listener goes beyond learning the do’s and don’ts of listening. It’s not just about what you do, but who you are being when you’re in the position of a listener. And unless we’re able to put aside the clutter, the internal conversations, and manage our internal states so that we can be wholly present and there with the other person, we may not be as good of a listening ear as we hope to be.

In the bigger scheme of things, a space of support can only be provided by somebody who has walked that path, understands what a person needs during that vulnerable time, and has the ability to provide that.?

This means dealing with our own baggages – our projections, biases, prejudices, as well as our own limiting beliefs that might get in the way of unconditional support. Therein lies the importance of being there for ourselves – so that we cultivate that ability in ourselves to empower another person, instead of adding on to their burden.?