Why Do We Ask Questions?

When somebody comes at us with hostile language, our amygdala (central part of the brain) typically says, "DANGER! DANGER! ATTACK!", and we have three instinctive reactions: Flight, Fight or Freeze.

To change our automatic responses and change our lower-self, we need to educate our amygdala.

More precisely, we need to change the criteria of what is a threat to our amygdala.

In our culture, when someone verbally attacks us, it might fit our amygdala's specification (criteria) for danger.

How does it work?

Let's say someone talks to us in the way we do not like. Our response may be:

1.   Attacking back - "How DARE you say that to me!"

2.   Pleading - "I can't BELIEVE you're going to start that again when you KNOW how much work I have to do today!"

3.   Debating - "There are three reasons why what you say is ridiculous. First..."

I think all three responses are wrong.

Why?

Because all of them reward the attacker with our full attention, often with an emotional reaction to amplify. 

So, what is the solution?

Miller's Law says,

In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to find out what it could be true of.

When we hear something about what we react negatively, we assume that what the person said is wrong.

But, if we train our amygdala’s reaction, we do the opposite; we assume that what the person said is true, and then find out what there could be true.

And how to do something hard like that?

You're not accepting as true the statement, but you accept that is the current truth for that person, and now you need to be curious to find out why.

... and then our skill of asking the right questions comes in place.

Give the speaker your full attention for as long as it takes to understand what's really being said and why.