Why do we abandon ourselves?

Do you have a hard time trusting yourself? Are you a people pleaser-?you hide parts of yourself your feelings, beliefs, and ideas in order to fit in or please others? Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they don’t really matter?

This is self-abandonment.

We abandon ourselves when we don’t value ourselves, our self-worth is low when we don’t act in our own best interest.

Some ways we abandon ourselves – what self-abandonment looks like

• Doubting yourself– second-guessing yourself, overthinking and ruminating, letting others make decisions for you and assuming they know more than you do. If we think too long and keep over analyzing, we can end up doubting ourselves.
• People-pleasing?seeking validation from others, suppressing your needs and interests to please others. Putting others first and yourself on the bottom of the priority list. Everyone is more important than you.
• Hiding parts of yourself?– giving up your interests and goals, not sharing/expressing your feelings. Afraid what others will think, them criticizing, abandoning or rejecting you.
• Perfectionism?– having unrealistically high expectations for yourself, never feeling worthy regardless of how much you do and what you accomplish. You find yourself procrastinating because why bother doing something if it can’t be done perfectly. When we have perfectionism, we often have control issues.
• Self-criticism and judgment?– saying hurtful and mean things to yourself. Being a bully towards yourself. You talk to yourself in ways you wouldn’t talk to your closest friends and family.
• Not honoring your needs?not recognizing that your needs are valid, failing to practice self-care, feeling unworthy of self-care even your basic needs aren’t met.
• Codependent relationships?– focusing on someone else’s needs, wants, and problems and neglecting yourself.
• Not speaking up for yourself?not asking for what you need, not setting and enforcing boundaries, letting people take advantage of you. The word “no” isn't used, you don’t ask for help or set time limitations.

Why we abandon ourselves?

Self-abandonment begins in childhood. It’s likely that your parents or other influential adults didn’t meet your emotional and/or physical needs in childhood they neglected you emotionally or physically — causing you to feel unworthy, unlovable and not good enough.

As adults, we tend to repeat these types of patterns from childhood because they’re familiar. We have a pattern of?choosing partners and/or friends who mistreat, take advantage of, or don’t support us. Our relationships are unbalanced. We don’t know how to be there for ourselves because no one was truly there for us as children. When we try to be there for ourselves, it feels awkward and uncomfortable because its outside of our norm. We are so used to trying to fit in and hide our true selves that sometimes we don’t even know who we are. Many of my clients don't even know who their true self is. We may feel lost, stuck and in fear.

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How to change and find your worth

The most important person in your life is YOU! Even if that sentence makes you feel uncomfortable, it's true.

1.??Feel your feelings – instead of being in denial, pre-occupying or numbing your feelings, just feel them. It will feel like shit, but it eventually will pass. You can walk yourself through the feelings by asking yourself:

?What am I feeling? Why? Any triggers?

What is coming up physically?

What do you need right now? Time to breathe and relax, support from unconditional friends or family? Movement? Self-soothing?

2.??Accept who you are and remind yourself no-one is perfect, there is no such thing. There will be people who don’t like you and that is ok.?If you don’t know who you are anymore and feel lost, take some time to re-evaluate yourself. Spend some time alone with yourself doing things that make you happy. What are your creative outlets? What cultivates flow? Happiness? What is important to you? What do you value? How do you want to spend your time and with who?

3.??Learn to say NO! No is a complete sentence, we don’t need to explain ourselves. Saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. Saying NO is an act of self-care. It’s a great way to make yourself a priority and reduce your stress. Saying NO is a boundary. All healthy relationships have boundaries. Practice saying no. It will feel very uncomfortable, it's not your norm. You are stepping outside your comfort zone. Be prepared to feel guilty or fearful of the person you said no to. That is normal. It takes time before it gets easier.

4.??Know your triggers- when you know, you can prepare or set up a plan of how to handle the feelings. A great way to handle your triggers is to write them out on paper, release them without judgment. Don’t act impulsively. Think it through. Are these feelings true or my fears? Is it based on the current situation or a past fear of being rejected or abandoned?

5.??Emotional detox – remove the toxic people. If you can't remove them, set boundaries and time limitations.

?For more information please visit: www.dianelang.org