Why do Veterans miss war?

No one sees war and comes home unaffected. I don’t care if you were on the front lines, saw things from 10,000 feet in an aircraft, or from a green zone somewhere behind a desk. Some aspects of your life have changed forever. In some way or another this change was undoubtably for the better. We call this post-traumatic growth. Imagine a young Soldier who is handed responsibility. He gains the confidence to take on challenges in life greater than he ever imagined possible. This could be the catalyst for changes that last a lifetime. I never thought I would have an education. I never thought I would teach college classes. Confidence is a hell of a drug.

Sometimes changes from war are less desirable. I have fought with the demons that followed me home from places like Kosovo, Afghanistan, and Africa for over twenty years. Some days I win and other days it’s a stalemate. I once stood in my garage looking for a place to hang the rope; the idea of my kids growing up without a father changed my perspective. We all have to find reasons to hang on, sometimes every day. I live my life to the best of my ability because to do otherwise would be to dishonor all of those who never got to come home from war; those who have already given everything they had; those who would find more to give, if only so they could have the life I now get to live. Even on the worst of days, I know that I am on this earth for a reason, though I may not know what purpose God has for me, it is not my place ask.

I was once asked if movie scenes of modern war bother me. I responded that they bother me only when they remind me of things I don’t want to remember; when they bring back memories from times in my life that were filled with fear, resentment, and pain. Times when I missed my wife, my kids and a normal life. Those are times that no rational person would want to relive. Then I paused for a moment to reflect. I realized that those were also among the few times I can recall true camaraderie in my entire life. I was never alone; not in person nor in spirit. Those were the only days when nearly everyone who was with me was on my side; when I could stand with the guy next to me and know that he had my back, and I had his all the way unto death. Life was simple. On a patrol, there was nothing worthy of occupying my mind except what I was doing in that moment, because at that moment, it might be my last. I had a purpose that was greater than myself, greater than anything that I was likely to ever have again. I was young, I was capable, and I was dangerous. Those aren’t just things worthy of remembering, they are among the fondest memories I will ever have. In hindsight, I miss those times, and in my hardest moment, I wish that I could return to them for periods of time for the rest of my life.

It's seldom that those who go to war and make it home will come home without both its growth and its despair. We are the products of both the good and the bad in everything we do, and everything we experience. What makes us stronger is not what we did, but what we faced. It’s knowing from hard-fought experience that if you continue to put one foot in front of the other, you can get through almost anything.