Why do powerful women make us so uncomfortable?

Welcome to Swag-HER!: Your Career, Your Way, a newsletter for professional women and their allies! We’ll explore how to break through the barriers to your success, making space for the career - and life -? you want.

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Being a professional woman can feel like walking a tightrope. Traditional ideas about femininity don’t often align with expected leadership characteristics. Finding that balance can be extremely challenging. I tell my students in my Women’s Leadership Seminar series that my job is to help them navigate the world that is, so they can go create the one we all wish we had.

The research on how we perceive women in power can be depressing. The Reykjavík Index for Leadership reflects the views of more than 14,000 people across Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the UK and the US, as well as Australia, Iceland, Indonesia, Poland, Singapore, Spain and Thailand. The Index provides insight on whether women are seen as equally suitable as men to lead. In the 2022/23 report, fewer than half of respondents (47%) said they were “‘very comfortable” having a woman as CEO of a major company in their country, down from 54% a year earlier. Men were significantly more likely than women to be critical of a female leader, and one in 10 respondents said that they would explicitly not be comfortable with a female CEO.?

So what’s going on??

What is a woman “supposed to” be??

When we list traditionally feminine traits, we often see words like “helpful,” “sympathetic,” or “nurturing.” Researchers refer to these stereotypical traits as communal, another way of saying other-oriented. Stereotypically feminine traits are appreciated as nice “add-ons” for leaders, but it is stereotypically masculine attributes (like confidence or ambition)? that are valued as defining leadership qualities, especially by men (who are often the gatekeepers to these roles). While women can be leaders and exhibit leadership traits, our first reaction is to assess them relative to our instinctive view of their gender. And usually, something doesn’t seem quite right. Too warm, and you’re not cut out to be a leader. Too confident or driven, and you’re not “likable.”?

Catalyst’s research found that both men and women grant and assume more competence to men as leaders because of our long-held images of what a workplace leader looks like. Penalties for behaving outside that expectation can be high. Our society expects women to be focused on others, not themselves, so when we self-advocate (a challenging task in itself), it can sometimes backfire. When women show more ambition and dominance, people may perceive them as more arrogant, ruthless, and bossy, even though the same actions are considered leader-like in men. This likeability-competence gap sets up a dynamic where women expend significant energy navigating this gap - time that could be much better spent elsewhere.?

Simply put: when women don’t act like we’re “supposed to,” both men and women feel uncomfortable.??

Women don’t need to change, workplaces do

Before you get too bogged down by statistics, I want to make something very clear: this information exists to reinforce that the workplace as we know it is no longer working. Women aren’t the problem, the culture is. When women enter workplaces as one of the few or the only, we instantly feel the burden of fitting in, and we change ourselves to do so. I call this strategy “Fitting the Mold,” and it’s one that undermines women’s true success. I frequently hear from women that fitting the mold helped them achieve and grow at first, but this growth was short-lived, especially as they stepped into and wanted to show their true selves.

Most of us work in environments that weren’t created for us. Our intersectional identities - meaning the way we identify in multiple aspects like gender, race, sexual orientation, ability, religion, and so on - and our lived experiences are not recognized by our colleagues and vice versa. Yet the solution isn’t for women to change, it’s for workplaces to. Organizations can help reduce the penalties powerful women face by making changes that encourage authenticity and diversity.

Managers, ask yourself:?

• To succeed, do women need to fit a mold or is the mold expanding or breaking to transform the organization?
• Are women and people of color feeling included—like they belong, are respected, and have a future path there? How might policies and practices need to change to deliver on the promise of diverse organizations?
• Does my organization acknowledge and applaud input, collaboration, and authenticity?

Knowing the book on you

Until the workplace culture changes, women have to take matters into our own hands. One of the best ways to deal with this double bind is to “know the book on you.” By that I mean understand what is said about you when you aren’t in the room, to reflect on your style and get feedback from those around you. Research indicates that women receive less actionable and vaguer feedback, and a 2021 study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicated that women were given inflated performance feedback compared to men. In receiving well-intended but less accurate feedback, women may be unaware of their blind spots and development opportunities. This means we need to strengthen our ability to give, get, and gain from feedback to navigate the tightrope of expectations and the possible reluctance of managers.

In my Personal Leadership Insights course, I ask MBA students to seek feedback from three people in their careers or lives who are “loving critics,” a term that author and psychologist Tasha Eurich uses to describe people who care about you and your future enough to give it to you straight. I encourage professional women to do the following:?

• Give permission for feedback. Let the key people you work with know how valuable their input will be for your development.
• Create a list of powerful questions. Two of my favorites are “What do you hope I will do?” and “What do you fear I’ll do?” I’ve found these questions more helpful than any set of performance objectives.
• Take in feedback with curiosity. When we look through a lens of curiosity, we open ourselves to growth instead of shouldering all the blame for negative feedback.
• Decide what feedback you will act on. Know who you are, where you stand, and what you want, so you can determine how you want to participate.

While professional women can’t mitigate all of the causes of gendered expectations (and the discomfort around them), we can learn to live and succeed among them. By understanding the causes, trusting our loving critics, and making informed decisions about our behavior, women can powerfully step into the leadership roles we deserve to create the workplaces we want.

“There is power in allowing yourself to be known and heard, in owning your unique story, in using your authentic voice.” - Michelle Obama

Join me TODAY (11/8) for the How Women Lead virtual event around The Mirrored Door! I will share insights about The Mirrored Door, and we’ll take a deep dive into societal expectations, self-doubt, and the power of courage and community. Register here !

It’s here! The Mirrored Door: Break Through the Hidden Barrier that Locks Successful Women in Place is now available. Click here to get your copy!?

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