Why do people get mad at you, when you’re better? My two cents on that (and it’s not about envy).

I think anyone has experienced at least once the following scenario: you have facts that prove you have a better solution for a problem that someone else is experiencing, but what you get is resistance, denial or, sometimes, even insults.

Let me put a huge disclaimer here: this article depicts only my opinions and does not state any scientific evidence (that may anyway exist and be available for those who want to deep dive).

Imagine you are working and you see someone struggling with a problem, and his/her behavior is also harming and damaging other colleagues. You’d like to make something and you know that he/she could improve by changing one of the behaviors or habits (maybe because you’ve been there, or you just happen to be an expert on the topic).

So, you decide to go and give feedback or even advise. Often (luckily not always), you’ll see bad reactions and resistance. Typical phrases may be “I know what I am doing”, or “who are you to judge”, or even “that’s not true”. Ever heard an answer like that (or maybe worse)?

Well, I bet you can find similar things even in your personal life. It could be while talking with a kid, a friend or your partner. Sometimes, you are able to see things from a different perspective and you’d like to give some opinions or just feedback (a real one) to help the situation, especially if it’s creating a wider problem… and what you get is a loud “shut up”.

Well, my suggestion is to avoid taking it personally, or it will drain your energy for the wrong reason. That’s my opinion on the reason this is happening.

Imagine for a moment that you ARE right (yes, there is the possibility that you may not have the solution even if you think you have it). Imagine also that this is so evident that the other person couldn’t do anything but notice that you are “better” at that problem or task. Now, I want you to step in the shoes of the other person: you have evidence that you are “lesser” than someone else… and that hurts. That seems to be pretty normal in human beings (to feel pain when we compare with others and they are better than us). It also turns out that to keep your homeostasis, your brain will try to make things to cease the pain. Remember you are currently in the shoes of the “lesser” one. What options do you have? Not much, really:

1. Accept the fact and make an effort to change (which would probably be the most functional one). This is difficult because admitting you have to change, means you already start feeling another pain: having to change; and usually change is perceived as a huge and painful effort. Just think about the gym, to change the shape of your body.
2. Search and find an external factor that is responsible for your “being lesser”, so that you can justify your current behavior, reducing the pain as “you can’t do much, live with it”. By finding an external factor, or the typical excuse of the fox and the grapes, you move your focus from your “being lesser” to the fact that you are justified, which reduces the pain and saves you from doing anything to fix or improve.
3. Another one could be related to this scenario: think about the typical argument when fighting with someone. You will point to the problem and instead of talking about that one, she/he will answer by moving the conversation to a different problem that is possibly caused by you. This is used to reduce the validity of the “better one” to make him/her as “lesser” as you, so you no longer feel the pain, as also he/she is at your same level AND you don’t have to change anything, as you are no longer “lesser”.?

Well, now you can come back in your shoes, and if you experienced anything like that, you may feel like there is no solution. However, this could be a possible scenario where to apply the typical rule of “actively doing nothing”. Meaning, people may recognize they have something to do or improve, but they want to do it quietly as humans, again in general, don’t like feeling lesser than others, and since changing means trial and error, that process requires time and tranquility.

There are a couple of things that I feel like suggesting:

1. Avoid taking it personally. Separate the behavior from the person, even on yourself.
2. Put your effort in keeping the outcomes in balance instead of focusing on correcting others behavior. For example, if the dysfunctional behavior is harming other people, e.g. other colleagues, focus on making an effort to balance the outcome back, so that the effect of that dysfunction is reduced downstream.
3. Raise awareness only by asking questions instead of giving statements. Questions that do not imply what’s your opinion, typically open ended “what” questions, do a good job at letting those people move more towards the option number 1, while giving solutions and opinions will shift towards the other two. I know it can be difficult according to how much you are involved, but that’s really it.

So, to wrap up, remember that if you want to help them (or others),

it’s not about you...

It’s about them.