Why do people argue?

Ever wondered why people argue?

I have, and more often than not, I find myself wondering the same thing.

Why do we get so fired up, ready to battle with someone—sometimes a total stranger—over a difference in opinion?

I don’t have all the answers, but I stumbled upon a few insights that might be worth sharing. If you’ve ever tried to change someone’s mind during an argument and failed miserably…well, you’re not alone.

This all started when I was casually browsing comments on a LinkedIn post—because clearly, I had nothing better to do before my 4,718th Zoom call. And that’s when I saw two people tearing into each other.

We’re talking paragraphs of back-and-forth responses, jabs at each other’s arguments, personalities, even appearances—the whole nine yards.

For context, the post was political—surprise, surprise.

And here’s the thing: neither side was right or wrong. It’s not that simple. But both of them were convinced they had the moral high ground. They threw out book references, expert opinions, and everything under the sun to prove they were right and the other was wrong.

Now, if you’re thinking, “Rodney, why are you wasting your time reading the comments of a political post?”

Fair question.

But I had two reasons.

One, I was killing time before Zoom. Two, I was intrigued by the why.

Why do we do this?

Why do we argue with people—especially on the internet, where everyone is a self-declared expert?

And here’s the more important question: what’s the point?

Are we genuinely trying to change someone’s mind, or are we just flexing our intellectual muscles for the sake of it?

At first glance, we argue to convince others to see things our way. That sounds noble enough. But if you think about it, how often does that work?

Spoiler alert: It seldom does.

In fact, when was the last time someone changed your mind during an argument? I’m guessing it hasn’t happened too often—if at all.

I can personally think of times where I’ve dug in my heels. For example, a few years back, I was firmly in the “5G is no big deal” camp.

Meanwhile, my friend was convinced 5G was about to revolutionize the world—like it was going to solve world hunger, make cars fly, and brew the perfect cup of coffee all in one.

We argued back and forth about it endlessly, but here’s the kicker—we never budged. Not an inch. And this went on for months.

Looking back, it’s a joke between us now. But at the time, we were both convinced we were right.

So, why is it so difficult to change someone’s mind, even when you’ve got facts, logic, and maybe even a TED Talk or two backing you up?

Identity and Ego

Here’s the thing—most arguments aren’t about facts or logic. They’re about identity and ego.

When we argue, it’s not just about the issue at hand; it’s about protecting how we see ourselves. There’s this psychological phenomenon called ego defense—when our beliefs are challenged, it feels like we’re under attack personally.

So, instead of considering the other person’s perspective, we double down. Because admitting we’re wrong?

That feels like admitting there’s something wrong with us. And nobody wants that.

That’s why changing someone’s mind through argument is such an uphill battle. You’re not just asking them to reconsider a point—you’re asking them to reconsider a piece of who they are. And that’s terrifying.

But it’s not just ego at play. There’s also something called cognitive dissonance.

It’s that uncomfortable feeling we get when we simultaneously hold two conflicting ideas.

Let’s say someone has always believed that “hard work equals success.”

But now they have evidence that some people can work hard and still struggle. Instead of rethinking their entire worldview, they’ll likely reject the new evidence—because changing that belief is too painful.

Arguing is easier than shifting your entire mindset.

Add to that confirmation bias, which is our brain’s way of filtering out information that doesn’t align with our beliefs.

When someone presents a counterargument, we automatically focus on anything that supports our view and dismiss the rest as irrelevant or biased.

This makes meaningful debate almost impossible because each side is only willing to discuss the facts that support its own opinion.

Then there’s the emotional investment.

The more we care about something—whether it’s politics, technology, or pineapple on pizza—the more likely we are to argue about it. The stakes feel high, and rational thinking tends to go out the window when our emotions are involved. This is why we often talk past each other in circles rather than listening.

However, perhaps the most significant reason arguments rarely change minds is that we’re not truly listening to the other person. We’re too busy preparing our next point, ready to pounce on the next opening.

There’s a famous quote, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

And isn’t that the truth? Instead of absorbing what the other person is saying, we’re focused on how to refute it.

So, next time you find yourself knee-deep in a heated argument, ask yourself:

Are you trying to change the other person’s mind, or are you just trying to validate your own?

Are you really listening, or are you waiting for your turn to speak?

Because if your goal is to change someone’s mind, maybe it’s worth reconsidering how we approach these conversations.

Instead of launching into debate mode, what if we asked more questions?

What if we approached arguments with curiosity instead of combativeness?

When I’ve taken the time to understand where someone is coming from, I've found that the conversation tends to be less about winning and more about connecting.

And who knows? Maybe that’s the secret to actually changing minds.

When I am not answering the questions of life or at least observing human behavior, I help people and companies structure their benefits, HR, and PEO. If you need help, let's chat.

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Rodney Steele is the CEO of Dinsmore Steele the leading PEO brokerage that helps businesses simplify their HR, payroll, and employee benefits. With years of experience in the PEO space, Rodney is passionate about assisting companies in navigating complex decisions, from PEO renewals to benefit plan negotiations.

Known for his humor, wit, and straightforward advice, Rodney provides valuable insights that make HR outsourcing easy to understand and execute. When he's not closing deals or advising clients, you can find him playing pickleball or enjoying time with his family on Long Island.