Why do our loved one's possessions mean so much to us?

Since it’s the official ‘month of love’, we’ve been talking a lot about the idea of love and the little objects that symbolise it.

More specifically, we’ve been reflecting on how we continue to have a relationship with our loved ones even after we’ve lost them, and how the physical belongings they owned, touched or gave to us become even more important. We’re sure you know just what we mean: it might be the last birthday present they gave you, that clock they promised you could have…or it could be something discarded like their hair bobble on the sink, the gloves they left on the hallway table, the partly used bottle of perfume on the dresser.

Why do these things have such a powerful effect on us?

Niamh Fitzpatrick captures this concept really beautifully in her book Tell Me the Truth About Loss . She says we feel attachment to these items because they are evidence that the person actually lived. We want to be close to anything of theirs, however insignificant, because it shows THEY WERE HERE. And if these things didn’t exist, if we had nothing to hold onto, the loss would feel even more profound. By holding them and the memories held by them, we feel closer to the person we have lost.

The grief bomb

But as we try to learn about and understand grief more, through our own experiences and the research we are doing for this podcast, we are realising that grief brings a duality of emotion. On the one hand, you can feel comfort from an item your loved one owned, but it can also hit you with a ‘grief bomb’ – the sight of a pair of those glasses no longer worn, the crossword they’ll never finish, the half pack of sweets squirrelled away in the back of the cupboard can not only remind you that they lived, but also that they are no longer here. You can feel closeness and heartbreak at the same time.

These strong emotions aren’t just triggered by physical objects, either. Visiting places they loved, eating their favourite meals, and, of course, talking about them are all ways of feeling closer to them – or missing them even more. For Heather, listening to music from a time when her mum was alive makes her feel connected. Rewatching an old movie they used to enjoy side by side can feel like she’s going back to a time when they co-existed.

And all of this is really because your relationship with your loved one continues. Your feelings for them don’t just disappear, they are something that we carry always, like that well-worn photo at the back of your wallet. As Sam says to Molly in the film Ghost (see below): “It’s amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you.”

Heather and Hilary x

Resources just for you

This month's recommended?books, podcasts and films.

What we've been reading, watching and listening to

Tell Me the Truth About Loss, by Niamh Fitzpatrick

"One day, grief means hope. That somehow you may be able to remember the person you love and at the same time live your life."

There is so much to say about this deeply poignant and personal book. Niamh, a professional psychologist,?speaks in such an open, honest, frank way about the loss of her marriage, the loss of her dreams of becoming a mother and the tragic loss of her sister Dara in a helicopter crash in 2017.?

Hilary and I have discussed at length how we cannot find the words to truly describe the pain of grief, or to articulate how you are feeling about the effects grief lays upon you... but by?reading this book, you'll feel?your pain and your grief are 'seen'. There are so many points in this book we nodded to and gasped at –?as we understood and really felt the words Niamh used to describe her different levels of grief. We also agree with Niamh's suggestion that?we talk about our love for our loved ones in the present tense, not the past. We still love them.

Niamh will also be joining?us as a guest on the podcast, and we cannot wait to share this conversation with you all.

Ghost

Ghost, with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze?– and the much-parodied pottery scene!?– is a bit of an oldie. Watching this movie as an adult and experiencing it from a new baseline as a 40-something really brings out nostalgia for a time gone by!

If you haven't seen it: Sam (Swayze) is murdered (spoiler alert!), but his spirit stays behind to warn his girlfriend Molly (Moore) that she is in danger. Some of it is a bit silly?– like the love scene –?but watching it now,?Molly and Sam's?grief and confusion really resonated.?

And speaking of holding on to objects that mean something?– there's a really touching scene where?Molly won't part?with concert ticket tubes and some chewing gum because they belonged to?Sam.

Where There's a Will There's a Wake

If you love Kathy Burke's brutally down-to-earth, brashly hilarious manner, then you'll love her take on planning the perfect death.

For this podcast, Kathy speaks to various celebrities such as Vic Reeves, Grace Dent,?Jonathan Van Ness and Saltburn director Emerald Fennell,?asking them killer questions like:"How do you want to die?",?"What happens when you die?", and?"Who will get all your prized possessions?"?

Our personal favourite episodes were?Dawn French and Peter Capaldi.

As you'd expect, it's irreverent, funny, often dark and very often moving, and a great way to think about planning your perfect funeral without it getting you down.

Something to think about