Why do most people suck at networking?

It's a question, rather than a statement. I'm not accusing everyone of sucking at networking, rather I'm reflecting on how often I'm asked to help people get better at networking, and how many people tell me they think they are terrible at it.

But are they?

See, I think we do a number of things to help people to think they suck at networking, even if they don't.

1. We tell them to set their expectations too high. Just look at the promotional posts for many networking groups. They talk about how much business was passed between members last month in ￡ or $ terms. So when someone goes networking and doesn't immediately achieve their share of that, they think they're failing.
2. It looks too easy. It's just turning up and talking to people and then they refer business to you. Isn't it?
3. People put far too much emphasis on the public speaking bit. Again, that may be our fault, as that's the most visible bit of networking and, I'm told, the bit that people fear the most. The thing is, it is a tiny part of networking and you can still be a networking success even if you're not great at that bit.
4. People put far too much emphasis on confidence. And people who don't have much self confidence can still be huge successes. Also, possibly, we mistake gregariousness for self confidence, and the two don't always go hand in hand.
5. The ROI is often incorrectly measured. People look for the ￡ or $ result too quickly, and give up if they're not achieving that, without seeing the progress they really are achieving.

I don't 'do' hacks or shortcuts so, if you're looking for them, this might not be the article for you. But here is what I believe to be some really common sense advice on how anyone can get better results from networking if, even if they're being too harsh, they believe they suck at it.

Expectations, throw them away.

Those other people in the room didn't show up to buy from you. In fact, they didn't actually turn to refer business to you either. They turned up for you to buy from them or refer business to them. Just like you did.

We promote networking groups by talking about the business passed between members, which is all great and proveable and true. And we let new networkers believe that it is sort of automatic that they will refer business.

"Steve is a plumber from Oxford and he joined and was referred ￡37273 of business in his first year"!

"Jane is a business coach from Cambridge. In her first year of membership she received over ￡40,000 in referrals"!

So, naturally, if you're a plumber or business coach (or graphic designer or joiner or whatever you are) and not receiving squillions of pounds worth of referrals in your first few months - you're going to be a bit pissed off, obviously.

Steve and Jane turned up to a different room full of people, on a different day, and did things differently to you. That doesn't mean you suck, that doesn't mean Jane and Steve are terrible people, it just means you could probably learn from what they did.

On top of that, for most of the services that most of us provide, we need people to not only see that we're a good and trustworthy person, but for them to need that service right now. Steve might have walked in to his first meeting when Sue the building contractor had just been let down by another plumber or Debbie the property developer needed a load of boilers replacing. That bit doesn't make the headlines.

Here's what you can do at first - set the bar low, very low.

Go to your first networking events with the expectation of meeting some new people and getting to know them. Put any thoughts of selling to them, or getting them to introduce you to everyone in their address book to the back of your mind. Because here's the thing...

It looks too easy

Turning up at networking events is pretty easy, even more so whilst we're doing it all virtually.

Wander downstairs, ensure you're dressed from the waist up (I know!), turn the camera on and come off mute! Tell people about your business and await the many orders which will surely follow!

But as easy as it looks, there is a bit of a structure going on underneath the surface which is important, vital even. Networkers call it the Meet - Like - Know - Trust (or Know - Like - Trust sometimes, the principle is still the same).

What it means, in essence is that after you've met the other networkers, they need to get to know you, decide whether they like you and, crucially, whether they trust you enough to either do business with you or refer their best client to you.

And trust isn't an absolute. It is a scale. After meeting me for the first time you might trust me enough to invest ￡10 in one of my books (see what I did there?) but it will take a whole lot more trust before you put me on stage for your annual conference in front of your entire sales team and board of directors.

So, ask yourself, after you've met people at networking events or online, what are YOU doing to help them get to know you, to decide whether they like you and to establish whether they trust you. Making those decisions are on them, but putting the effort into the relationship so that they can make those decisions is on you. Here's what I do:

• Keep in touch with people, relentlessly - in 2021 we have every single tool we need to keep in touch with people at scale and 121.
• Be the first to bring value to every relationship - look for referrals and business opportunities for them.
• Prove to them that you know your stuff - create content, a bit like this for example, so that people can decide for themselves whether you are as good as you say you are.
• Make sure you haven't hidden the till - when it comes to it, make sure that everyone can see what they can buy from you, and how they can easily do so. This is very often the missing link.

The standing up and talking bit

So, the introductions round, the 40 or 60 second round, the bit where it's your turn to stand up and talk IS part of networking, and it is an important part.

BUT, it isn't the most important part of networking and you certainly don't need to be an expert or professional speaker (although I do know where to find one, ahem).

Look, you can learn to be better at it, you can hone your message so that people understand what you do a little better and so that you don't feel terrified every time you have to do it. All of that can be achieved pretty simply.

But it isn't the be all and end all, so you don't have to stress about it as much as you are.

Watch some YouTubes to help you get tips on public speaking if you want to.

Join one of the excellent groups that help people with public speaking (I won't name them as I'll miss one out and regret it).

Practise in front of a mirror (I do).

Read a book with some suggested structures in it.

And ditch the elevator pitch, please. It isn't about telling people everything you do in 60 seconds, it is about winning their interest so that they want to find out more.

But most importantly, please please PLEASE recognise that the introduction is a tiny part of the networking event, and a tiny part of the whole experience. What you do to keep in touch and build the Know, Like and Trust is far more important.

Confident people make better networkers, don't they?

You know what happened at my first networking event? I was sat next to THE LOUDEST person in the room. The guy who would SHOUT his 60 second introduction, the guy who knew everyone, the guy who looked to be so much more confident than me.

If you don't know the story btw, you'll find it here, in two and a half minutes - https://www.dhirubhai.net/posts/stefanthomasnetworking_networking-publicspeaking-comfortzone-activity-6785818722549428224-yG_2

But what I've realised over the years is that anyone, no matter how shy, introverted, extroverted, confident or not confident can be hugely successful at networking. And I have real life examples and experiences over the years of people from every part of the personality spectrum who have achieved success.

I completely get what it looks like from the outside. Of course that person is going to achieve more, we tell ourselves, because they are much more gregarious or outwardly confident than we are.

No matter what I look like on stage, I'm more normally the quiet one at events. I certainly don't look like one of the more confident people in the room. And neither do you have to be.

Systems, keeping in touch, following up, having a solid offering, having an active social media footprint - all of these elements, and more, are significantly more important than being gregarious or apparently confident. In fact, I've seen a load of outgoing people not be successful at networking because they didn't do the other stuff.

What's the ROI on a conversation?

I do a load of work for solicitors, accountants and other professions and one of the biggest challenges I see them face is that as soon as they return to the office after a networking event, the senior partner will ask them how many instructions they won, or how many new clients they signed up.

People say to me that they tried networking for a few months, but didn't get any sales from it, so gave up.

That Meet - Like - Know - Trust that I mentioned earlier on is the real ROI, but it is really difficult to measure AND it will be progressing more quickly with some relationships than with others, even if you've put exactly the same time and effort into each relationship.

What I do know is that as much as you may be moving towards the trust with any relationship, that process falters when you're no longer in touch with that person. People go to networking events, start the process, and then disappear, allowing their 'stock value' with the people they've met to start declining.

People have got their own stuff going on. They're busy and, in the nicest, politest possible way, they'll forget you if you're not there and visible.

So the ROI might be growing. People might be trusting you, they just don't need to buy from you right now, or have the right referral for you. And then you disappear.

They stop thinking about you. They focus on the other people around them. They look for referrals for them, or buy from them when the time is right.

Every big opportunity starts with a little conversation. But in order for the big opportunities to reveal themselves, you need to keep the conversations growing.

Don't measure the ROI on what you got from that one conversation. Watch how the ROI grows over time and your investment in the relationships.

The thing is, most people don't actually suck at networking, but lots of people convince themselves they do, and they don't need to.

Instead of deciding you suck, take advantage of the many resources which will help you get better at it. Measure your ROI in a different way.

Networking works for me, but it didn't always. And if I'd given up, because I truly did suck at first, I wouldn't be here writing this article.