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Why do most married men cheat and how to redeem the behaviour?

Dr Ngwako Daniel Sebola

Abstract

The concern by number of married women on the crisis of cheating husbands, complains by married men deprived with conjugal rights and personal experience has attracted my attention to write this paper under the above-mentioned subject. The purpose of this paper is in two folds, namely: attempt to try to answer the question why do most married men cheat and to provide suggested solutions on how to “redeem” the behaviour. It should be noted that men are not the only culprit in cheating as women are also to blame. The paper argues that although there are various reasons that prompt men to cheat, refusal of conjugal rights by married women is one of the main contributing factors. As a solution to the behaviour of cheating, constant and healthy communication between married couples can be a solution. ?

1.?????Introduction

“I never thought I would ever find myself between the thighs of another woman apart from yours, but your continuous refusal of conjugal rights (sex) has left me with no option but to seek for an alternatives…”

1.1. What is cheating?

Erhabor et al., (2019) observed that cheating behaviour is a major concern that affects most marriages today. It is one of the major cause of divorce in South Africa, and of course in other countries as well. Infidelity is experienced in many relationships. Cheating or infidelity is considered to be unfaithful behaviour, morally wrong, unjustifiable and therefore morally wrong (cf. Glass & Wright, 1992). There is no doubt “religious people” agree to the sentiment. Many societies disapprove of infidelity and considers unfaithful behaviour morally wrong and unjustifiable (Glass & Wright, 1992). Yet, even though many societies consider infidelity to be a “deviant” behaviour, many individuals often engage in infidelity. The words cheating and infidelity will be used interchangeable as their meaning is the same.?Cheating is described by Hopgood as subjective and can be anything from flirting with someone who isn't your partner, to full-out sexual acts with another person. It is perceived as anything that violates the boundaries of one’s romantic relationship and results in a breach of trust between its members. Infidelity is defined by Hargrave(2008), as the manifestations of extra dyadic sexual experiences or relationships that often affect the primary relationship and induce adverse effects at an intrapersonal and interpersonal level. It is a betrayal of stated commitment between a husband and a wife as emotional and/or sexual intimacy is shared with someone outside of the primary relationship without the consent of the other partner (Fife et al. 2008: 316). There are different types of cheating or infidelity, including physical (sexual) and emotional.

1.1.1.?????Sexual Infidelity

Generally, infidelity is defined as any type of secret emotional, sexual or romantic behaviour that violates the exclusivity that romantic relationships have by definition. Leeker & Carlozzi(2014:68–91) define sexual infidelity as “the occurrence of sexual involvement with a third party that violates the ground rules established by the couple (e.g., kissing, fondling, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex)”( Leeker & Carlozzi, 2014:68–91). It had the greatest negative long-term effects on the victims and the romantic relationships (Feeney 2004). This implies that a married man or woman decides to have sexual intercourse with someone else other than a his/own.

1.1.2.?????Emotional infidelity/cheating

According to Leeker & Carlozzi( 2014:68ff), Emotional infidelity was seen as “the occurrence of emotional involvement with a third party that violates the ground rules established by the couple (e.g., trusting another, sharing your deepest thoughts with another, falling in love in another, being vulnerable with another, being more committed to another, spending more money on another).

1.2.?????Background

The scourge of cheating among married people is a serious concern in South Africa as in other countries.?Incidences of men and women caught red handed cheating are common in South African communities. Cheaters usually do their cheating behaviour at various places such as: hotels, guesthouses, private houses, vehicles, work places (offices, storerooms, garages, parking lots, consultation rooms, etc.), open space, fields, and some even at awkward places like grave yards. Viral videos have never run dry on the world wide web, it is therefore not a surprise that there’s always something on cheating on social media. Some cheaters get caught and their action get exposed, many appear to “enjoy” themselves as they are not noticed. While both men and women complain about their cheating spouses, the latter take precedence.

Koolaee et al (2014) remarked that commitment in marital relationships is critical for couples in the current period. As a result, couples get married and form a family with many hopes and usually tend to be optimistic about the success of their marriage. Married people, as described by Olson et al (2010), tend to view marital life as a channel for growth, prosperity, excellence, happiness, and peace for themselves for the family. Ironically, some marriages inevitably run into problems that end in divorce and separation. Mark, Janssen, and Milhausen(2011) blame infidelity as (it is) the most critical threat to the functioning, stability, and continuity of marital relationships. Cheating or infidelity reduces couples’ trust and finally leads to absolute mistrust (Farooq & Fatima, 2018). Fincham and May (2017) attested that infidelity is a behavioural disorder that leads to abnormal and undesirable consequences as it creates uncountable problems for the betraying and betrayed spouses, ?as well as children. The duo further stated the damage caused by cheating including disbelief, denial, beatings, murder, suicide, among other things. Marital crisis, dysfunctions in parenting roles, family breakdown, and job problems can also be blamed on this unfortunate behaviour (cf. Gordon et al. 2005 & Jahan et al., 2017). Infidelity is a one of reason to critical threat to the functioning, stability, and continuity of marital relationships.

2.?????Why do most married men cheat?

I would like to suggest that this is one of the million dollar question that most women and those in romantic relationship would like to ask and expect convincing answers. The answer to this question is not simple and therefore cannot be answered by one simple answer. It must be noted that men are not the only culprit on cheating, women are also to blame as well. After all, it takes two to tangle. In fact, married women can cheat on their husband and not found. I remember one lady telling me that if a woman wants to cheat on a partner, she can do it without being detected, while it is not the same with men. As a marriage and relationship counsellor on my own right, I am privileged to be trusted with sensitive information I get from couples and individuals concerning their marital affairs. In addition, my own experience as a married man, and a father of four has taught me and continue to teach me that romantic relationship is very complex and challenging.

2.1.?????Causes of Infidelity

There are different causes of cheating behaviour among married couples and those in romantic relationships. I have decided to concentrate on refusal of conjugal rights(refusal to have sex) by married women to their husbands as one of the reasons that lead most men to cheat.

Some married women have a tendency of using "sex as a tool" to punish their husbands. They would go to bed wearing tight clothes, and refuse their husband access to sexual pleasure. Women who act that way do not honour their obligation of being married. They often think they are doing their husband favour if they have sex with them.

As a solution to the behaviour of cheating, I argue that openness, honesty, and healthy communication between married couples can easy unnecessary tension, avoiding negative/destructive thoughts, positive thinking and be a solution.?In this paper, I have decided to focus on Refusal/withdrawing from conjugal rights.

2.1.1.?????Refusal/withdrawing from conjugal rights and passiveness during love making?

2.1.1.1. Refusal/withdrawing of conjugal rights

Refusal/denial of conjugal rights by most married women to their husbands is one of the reasons why most men decide to cheat.

According to Merriam-Wbster Dictionary, conjugal rights can be defined as:

"the rights or privilieges implied by and involved in, the marriage relationship; the right of sexual intercourse between husband and wife".

This implies that both husband and wife must fulfil their marital obligation(to have sex with each other). No one should perceive sex as a favour. Unfortunately, most married women deny their husband to have sex.

One frustrated man by the name of Cornelius (not his real name) had this to say to his wife on the account of refusing with conjugal rights

“I never thought I would ever find myself between the thighs of another woman apart from yours, but your continuous refusal with conjugal rights without reasons has left me with no option but to seek an alternatives somewhere else. This does not mean that I do not love you, but because I cannot continue to burn in passion while deprived what is rightly belongs to me”

The statement reveals the following:

-?????????a married man who was disparate for sex from his wife

-?????????a women who deprived his husband conjugal rights without explained reasons

-?????????a stubborn, cheeky women who decide to punish her husband with sex.

-??????????a man who do to circumstances is compelled to seek sex to another women

-?????????a man who does not want the behaviour of cheating

The man is concerned by the fact that his wife had withdrew from sex without reasons, and by the superficial judgement, it has become a habit. On the other hand, the wife is denying conjugal rights to her husband without providing reasons, and if provided, they had not been communicated clearly. It appears as if the husband had being begging for sex for sometimes without being considered. The husband was left with no option but to look for sex somewhere else, not because he wanted to, but due to circumstances.

Second Scenario, The woman regret for refusing sex to her husband

In another scenario, one women by the name of Gladys (not her real name) had this to say:

“I regret that I am the cause for my husband to cheat. One evening, I just decided to be stubborn, angry for my husband for no apparent reasons. I decide to sleep with put on my tight clothes on. My husband, Philemon (not his real name) looked at me, then he got out of bed, put on his clothes, took three shirts and of he went. I slept alone that night and could not fell asleep as I imagined where my husband was going and to whom. He did not sleep at home that night. He came home the next day and said nothing. I was so ashamed and angry at myself for stupid things I did. I asked myself numerous questions without answers, Gladys continued. Since then, says Gladys, I never go to bed with my tight clothes unless I am on my periods”.

In this scenario, a woman by the name of Gladys (not her real name) explains a story about her own action (sleeping with tight clothes), to keep her husband away from her. She denied her husband the access to make love. The husband, whom I can call “I beg you not”, decided to leave his wife with her tight clothes and go where he would not be denied access. Although one do not know where Philemon (not his real name) went that night, general knowledge suggests he might have gone to another woman who does not sleep with tight clothes. But who? Refusal with of conjugal rights by married wives to their husband is one of the major reasons for married men to cheat. Most married women tend to use sex as a weapon to punish their husband.?

2.1.1.2. Passiveness when making love

Passiveness when making love or during sex is also problematic. Richard (not his real name) explained passiveness by his wife when making sex as reason for him to look for someone who was willing to have sex with him. He recalled number of occasions when his wife did not respond when making love. He remembers moments when she asked him ‘are you done/finished, if so get off me, I want to sleep’. Such statement, Richard continued, disturbed me emotionally. According to Richard, he tried to speak to his wife on the issue, but she gave unconvincing excuses, including shouting at him. Upon realising that his wife showed no interest on the matter, he decided to look for an alternatives. He happen to find a "side chick", another woman, by the name of Mavis (not her real name). Mavis (not her real name) was willing to have sex with Richard(not his real name) did everything that Richard (not her real name)’s wife refused to do.????

The Richard scenario reveal the following:

-?????????a man who is willing to have sex with his wife

-?????????a woman who shows no interest on having sex with her husband.

-?????????husband’s efforts to discuss the matter but receives negative responds from the wife.

-?????????a man who finally opted to look for an alternative somewhere else and got a woman who was willing to take part in sexual activity.???

?3.???The impact of cheating

Researchers (Timm & Blow, 2018 and Yuan & Weiser, 2019) noted that infidelity or cheating is described as destruction of relationship and causes for divorce. Leeker & Carlozzi(2014) observed that cheating can create a sense of relational betrayal, which may have detrimental effects on trust, affection, intimacy and emotional attachment. In addition, feelings of shame, loss, avoidance and emotional exhaustion are perceived by Gordon et al.(2005) as well as Warach & Josephs (2021) as negative impact of infidelity. Symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other psychosomatic reactions are perceived by Shrout & Weigel(2018) as caused by cheating. Infidelity had a potential of causing emotional dysregulation to both the perpetrators and the victims. In most cases, the victim experience sadness, shame, rage, betrayal, insecurity, anger, guilt, among others (cf. Charny & Parnassm 1995: 100ff).

3.1. How Infidelity Affects the Person Who Was Cheated On

The injured partner may face intense emotional reactions. Some feel a sense of loss or betrayal trauma. Others may experience symptoms of anxiety or depression, including suicidal thoughts. For some, the stress is so severe it resembles post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (sometimes referred to as infidelity post-traumatic stress disorder). Those with acute stress reactions may have obsessive thinking, intrusive thoughts, or physiological hyper-arousal. Following the disclosure of the infidelity, the partner who was cheated on may engage in risky behaviors, such as having unprotected sex or over- or under- eating or exercising. If you are struggling after your partner’s affair, and especially if you have thoughts or urges of suicide or self-harm, reach out for help so you can begin the process of healing, get over being cheated on, and move forward.

3.2. How Infidelity Affects the Person Who Cheated

The person who engaged in the betrayal may also be significantly affected by extreme emotional reactions, including a strong sense of guilt or shame. Some people may feel stuck or helpless in the relationship, while others feel hopeless that they can change. Some people struggle with giving up the extra-marital relationship, even if they know it needs to end. They may even feel a sense of grief. The offending partner may also harbor intense fear that they will never be forgiven by the partner they hurt and worry they must constantly prove themselves beyond reasonable expectation. Other partners may actually blame the infidelity on their partner or express irritability or coldness.

3.3. On Children

Infinity has a negative impact on children, such as: shame, loss of trust, confusion, resentment, ambivalence towards the betraying parent and acting out, among other things. Issues of that nature can manifest in children of all ages, from toddlers to adult-children, irrespective of race or colour. Children are highly intuitive and perceptive beings, and therefore extra-marital affairs can be harmful even if the child is not told about them. Changes in parents’ behaviour can be unsettling to children, and affairs take the straying spouse’s time and attention away from the family unit, thereby depriving the child. If the children find out about the affair (from a third party), the trauma for children can be eased if parents display emotional control and explain that these things are unfortunate but can be overcome. According to some researchers, the worst thing a parent can do is to ask the child to keep the affair a secret from the other parent. Placing the burden on a child can alienate them from the other parent, breed resentment and/or change the power dynamics between the parent and child. If there is a confrontation with the other spouse or a child discovers the truth, the researchers advise an explanation and an apology.

4.?????Possible Solution

There are various views on cheating, namely the view in favour and against cheating. Those in favour of cheating maintain that affairs(cheating) can sometimes make a relationship stronger, as many in the affair recovery movement can testify. Whereas a couple may have been neglecting their sex life, not paying enough attention to their emotional bond, or not communicating honestly about needs and desires, an affair can sometimes spur a couple to get their act together and function more securely. Cheating can sometimes be a way to end an unhealthy relationship, or gain clarity about what is truly fulfilling. An affair can be a way to make a move in a stagnant relationship rather than hang out in limbo for years. The view against cheating is obvious, as it is regarded as its unhealthy in a marital relationship. It is also generally a very painful experience for one or both committed partners. It is crucial to prevent.

As stated earlier, the purpose of this article is to provide suggested solution to prevent the scourge of cheating among married couples. When it comes to preventing infidelity, it’s important to have open conversations with your partner about your boundaries for fidelity and what you perceive as infidelity. "Healthy" communicating between married partners is crucial. Rebuilding a relationship after an affair, while certainly possible, can take a long time, and in some cases, may be unattainable. It is generally far better to prevent an affair from happening. Glass (2004) identified few possible suggestions that could help in minimizing cheating behaviour as stated below:

4.1. Honour your spouse by honouring your marriage vow of fidelity.

Fidelity is a decision and you and your spouse need to understand that you both intend to practice it. Avoid to be angry at your spouse for no apparent reasons.

4.2. Be aware of infidelity “danger zones.”

The workplace and the Internet can be dangerous to your marriage. Many people that engage in affairs meet at work or on-line.

4.3. Know yourself and create open lines of communication with your spouse.

Honestly assess if you may be vulnerable to an affair. Ask yourself if you are angry with your spouse; you feel resentful; find it hard to communicate; or you feel disconnected. Any of these feelings can make you more susceptible to an affair.

4.4. Communicate Honestly

Communication fosters a close marital relationship, and prevents couples from drifting apart from each other.

4.5. Make your marriage a priority.

Life is very busy and it is easy to get caught up in work and children and other things that consume your time and energy. Many people let their marriage fall lower on the priority list and take their spouse for granted. Set aside daily time to reconnect with your spouse, even if just for a short while. A cup of coffee together in the morning, a time alone to talk in the evening, a weekly lunch date or a walk together after dinner are some simple ways to stay connected. The amount of quiet time together does not have to be huge, but spending 15-20 minutes a day alone together will help to keep your marriage on track.

4.6. ????Having a good sex life and enjoying a sense of romance is an important part of a good marriage.

Learn what each other’s idea of romance is, discuss what feels romantic to you. Be imaginative and creative. Let your partner know how attractive they are to you. Having a mutually satisfying physical relationship strengthens and deepens the bond between you and your spouse. Personal dedication to one’s marriage, and the desire to make it succeed, is a type of commitment to the marriage, which is separate from moral commitment, since dedication is focused particularly on increasing the rewards and happiness of the couple Johnson, Caughlin, & Huston, 1999). Infidelity may not only have a destructive impact on the relationship leading to separation or divorce; it can also negatively affect one’s emotional wellbeing by enhancing depressive symptoms, highlighting low self-esteem and promoting remorse in the unfaithful party (Bozoyan,.; Schmiedeberg, 2022).

4.7. Avoid marriage tensions

If a relationship is more stressful than rewarding, a man might cheat, hurting you even if it’s not your fault. Financial problems, a lack of respect, frequent arguing, low compatibility, and other problems in the relationship could make him want to escape from the marriage.

Apply Biblical Principles on the matter

In his first letter to the Church in Corinth, Paul wrote:

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control"(1 Corithians 7:3, 5). "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her

This implies that if one partner wants sex, then God's command for marriage is clear: "no refusal" is permitted unless mutually agreed for a time of prayer.

A women who deprives sex to her husband, unless there are valid reasons destroys her own house. Most women destroy their own household if Proverb 14:1 is applied in the context

5.?????Conclusion

Infidelity is unfaithfulness in a marriage or relationship. It can severely strain a relationship and the people involved. An affair can leave the other person feeling devastated, alone, of infidelity among married couples, refusal of conjugal rights by married women to their husband is one the reasons for this behaviour. Affairs happen for myriad reasons. One main reason may be betrayed, and confused. Sometimes, an affair ends a relationship. While there are many causes lack of relationship satisfaction. A successful relationship often means both people feel stable and secure (Harrison, S. {n.d.}). 4. It often also requires physical and emotional intimacy. Deficiency in these areas can reduce relationship satisfaction. Lack of relationship satisfaction can make infidelity more likely. Cheating among married couples is common, but there is a general perception which state that men are mainly to blame. On the same token, most married women withdraw from sex or use conjugal rights as punishment against their husband. Such act influences most men to seek sexual gratification somewhere else. Since cheating is has detrimental effect among these involved, it has a potential of damaging children and the family at large. It is therefore crucial for married couple to fulfil their obligations in marital relationships to avoid cheating behaviour. There are other men who cheats even though their wives do not withdraw from sexual activities. The statement as “I never thought I would ever find myself between the thighs of another woman apart from yours, but your continuous refusal with conjugal rights without reasons has left me with no option but to seek an alternatives somewhere else. This does not mean that I do not love you, but because I cannot continue to burn in passion while deprived what is rightly belongs to me” could be avoided. Personal dedication to one’s marriage, and the desire to make it succeed, is a type of commitment to the marriage, which is separate from moral commitment, since dedication is focused particularly on increasing the rewards and happiness of the couple (Harrison, S. (n.d.). Married women should refrane from using sex as a tool to punish their husbands and vice versa.

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