Why do I try to make everyone happy? The hidden costs of people-pleasing (and the one reason nobody talks about)

Should you read this article?

1. Do you find yourself saying 'sure, no problem, I can help' when you're really thinking 'a sloth does more work than you'?

1. Does even the thought of someone saying "I'm so disappointed in you" make you want to move in to a white padded room?

1. Do you care so much about the wellbeing of others that you often feel like an unpaid life coach?

Read on young grasshopper, welcome to the crazy world of people pleasing (a world I know oh-so well).

Short on time? I’ve got you!

Let me read you the article instead! ??

Introduction

Once upon a time I dated a guy who dumped me for being a stage five clinger.

But that’s not today’s story.

The story took place one beautifully sunny morning.

Said boyfriend and I were walking around a park. There were only a few people there, so whenever I got the chance I would always say ‘hello’ (with an annoyingly chipper voice) to anyone we passed.

After doing this a few times, he said “Why do you do that? It’s really awkward”.

“Because I’m not an emotionally unavailable dimwit and suppressed psychopath like you” (I thought).

But of course I didn’t say that - because I didn’t care what I thought of myself, I cared about what I thought he thought of me.

“Because I’m just trying to be nice”. (So there, I thought, end snap).

Here’s the thing - there’s nothing wrong with being a nice person (heck, Canadians are genetically modified to be nice).

But what about when trying to be a nice person turns into a requirement to always be a nice person, no matter what?

Let’s find out and dive into the hidden costs of people pleasing.

But wait, I’m just being nice. I’m not a people pleaser… am I?

Here’s the main difference: if you’re a people pleaser, you only think about others. If you’re nice, sure you think of others, but never at the cost of your physical, mental and emotional health.

Let’s go over a few examples of the difference between being nice and people pleasing.

Are you nodding right now?

Relatable?

Ok, I’m a people pleaser. But why?

There are many reasons including how we were raised for why we are a people pleaser, but what I’d like to focus on instead is why we choose to act and behave in people-pleasing ways.

And I think it really comes down to one (or a combination) of three reasons:

#1 To fit in

Picture this: You and your colleagues go out for post-workday drinks after a really busy and stressful day.

You’re sitting around chatting, having a fabulous time. But then… negativity rears its ugly head: they start speaking poorly about your manager.

“She’s making everything so damn hard on us - she’s always in a bad mood and so bossy.”

“I know, like seriously what’s up her a$$ anyways?”

?“Evolution is not about survival of the fittest, but about fitting in.”

And this need to fit in might just be hardwired.

In a study by Jamil Zaki, a psychology professor at Stanford, participants were shown pictures of both healthy and unhealthy foods while undergoing an fMRI scan.

Side note - in case you’re wondering, fMRI is different from a regular MRI because it looks at brain activity over a period of time rather than just a single snapshot. That’s why it’s called fMRI - with the f standing for functional.

The first step of the study required participants to rate how much they liked each food while they were being analysed by the fMRI.

Next, they were shown the average ratings given by their peers.

Then, they were asked to rate the foods again under fMRI scanning.

Here’s what they found: participant’s second ratings tended to align more closely with the group’s averages. The fMRI scans revealed that those with more activity in the part of the brain involved in reward processing were more likely to adjust their ratings to match the group!

In essence, when we go along and simply agree with with what other people think, certain parts of our brain—especially the areas that help us make decisions and feel rewarded—become more active.

#2 To feel good

Our brains are hardwired to seek out social approval and avoid social rejection. When we receive negative feedback or criticism from others, it can trigger feelings of anxiety, shame, and self-doubt.

This can be especially true when the criticism comes from people who are important to us, such as family members, friends, or colleagues, making us feel ‘kicked out’ or unimportant.

And did you know that the emotional pain of rejection can feel like physical pain? This is because the same regions of the brain that process physical pain also process social pain.

One study that supports this finding was conducted by researchers at the University of Colorado in 2020. Participants underwent a brain scan while playing a virtual ball-tossing game. During the game, some participants were excluded from the game, which led to increased activity in the same brain regions associated with physical pain.

Furthermore, the study found that individuals who were more sensitive to social rejection in their daily lives showed greater brain activity in response to social exclusion during the game.

#3 To avoid a fight

Fight, Flight, Freeze or… Fawn?

Whether you learnt it in school or through a viral TikTok video, you would have likely heard of the concept of ‘Fight, Flight or Freeze’. But have you heard of their lesser-known baby sister – fawn?

Yes, like Bambi… but not.

The term “fawn response” was coined by therapist Pete Walker to describe a coping mechanism that some people use in response to the stress of trauma, especially when there is conflict at hand.

When someone has a fawn response, they tend to prioritise the needs of others over their own, even to the point of ignoring their own boundaries. They may also fear rejection or abandonment if they do not comply with people’s wishes - so they just stay quiet. They placate and pacify.

By prioritising other people’s comfort by suppressing their own discomfort, they may feel a temporary sense of validation or acceptance at the time, but eventually they pay the price at the cost of their own well-being.

It’s a survival instinct of sorts, and you can easily see how this can happen during disagreements, arguments or simply when there is a difference of opinion. We perceive potential conflict as a type of danger or threat.

While the pattern of behaviour described by Pete Walker was more so related to discussions around childhood abuse or neglect, I think it’s highly applicable in a social context (including at work) especially with our quote/unquote ‘superiors’ - resulting in an inability to assert oneself.

The three costs of people pleasing (plus one you might not expect)

1. Generosity Burnout

We usually think of burnout as something that happens when we’re overworked, but here’s a twist: burnout, I think, happens to people who care, not to people who don’t.?

When you're constantly giving – your time, energy, attention – in an attempt to keep everyone else happy, that generosity eventually takes a toll. You can’t pour from an empty cup, but people pleasers keep trying.

And that constant outpour of energy? It leads to physical and emotional exhaustion. The irony is that people-pleasing often comes from a good place, but when you care so much about others, you end up forgetting to care about yourself.

2. Unintentional Dishonesty

Here's one you probably didn’t see coming: people-pleasing can make you dishonest. Not in a "stealing office supplies" kind of way, but in the "I’m fine with whatever" or "Sure, that’s okay with me" way.

The truth is, when you’re constantly saying what you think others want to hear, you're avoiding your own feelings. You start nodding along even when you don’t agree. Over time, that brings a sort of ‘fakeness’ to your relationships because no one really knows where you stand.

And without honesty, even in the small things, the foundation of trust in your relationships, can start to crumble. It’s not a lie outright, but it’s a slippery slope away from authenticity.

3. Resentment Build-Up

Now here’s a sneaky one: resentment.

People pleasers often think they’re doing the right thing by keeping everyone else happy, but what happens when no one seems to notice your sacrifices? That’s when resentment creeps in. The more you push your own needs aside, the more you feel unappreciated.

Over time, you might even start resenting the very people you’re trying so hard to please.

The worst part? They probably have no idea, because you’ve been smiling and nodding the whole time. Eventually, this quiet resentment can erupt, or worse, it can simmer under the surface and leave you feeling disconnected and bitter without anyone knowing why.

These hidden costs show that people pleasing doesn’t just affect the relationships around you, but it also takes a significant toll on how you feel about yourself.

But this next one is one that I can relate to from the bottom of my soul.

We lift others to forget we’re depressed

When we’re depressed, we don’t want others to feel this way… because we know what it feels like - it’s living hell.

When I was in therapy for binge eating and major depression, I remember my therapist (we’ll call him Greg) being there with me through thick and thin. I could become really, really negative.

At one point he said “One day life will get easier, it won’t feel this hard”.

I said to him “I don't know what you’re smoking but I want some of that”.

I sincerely thought he had had a neurological event.

He was nuts! That idea that ‘life wouldn’t feel so hard’ could never happen.

But low and behold - life did get easier over time.

So here’s a hidden cost you might not have considered: people pleasing can become a way to cope with your own depression. When you're feeling down, it can be hard to face those feelings head-on.

So, what do you do? You focus on making others happy instead. It feels easier to put on a brave face and hide your struggles behind a smile. You might think, “If I can just cheer someone else up, maybe I won’t feel so bad.”

But there's a catch: that emotional labour adds another layer to your own burden. You’re not just managing your own feelings; you’re also carrying the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Over time, this can create a vicious cycle where you feel even more isolated and disconnected. Instead of being open about your own struggles, you end up trapped in a role that demands you be the happy one, leaving your own feelings unaddressed and unresolved.

Three questions for deep self-reflection

In a world that often pushes us to find quick fixes and definitive answers, it’s easy to overlook the power of self-reflection. Instead of handing out solutions, I believe in the transformative potential of asking the right questions.?

These questions invite you to dive deep into your own thoughts and feelings, empowering you to uncover personalised solutions that resonate with your unique experiences.

You know you best.

By engaging in this reflective process, you gain clarity and insight, ultimately leading to more meaningful changes in your life.

So let’s explore these hidden costs of people-pleasing together, not just to highlight the challenges, but to encourage you to find your own path to authenticity and self-respect.

1. Are there specific situations where you find yourself prioritising other people’s needs over your own that lead you to feeling resentful?
2. How might your relationships change if you began to express your true feelings and needs, even when it's uncomfortable or causes ‘conflict’?
3. Can you think of your earliest experience where you found keeping the peace was necessary but also magnified your inner tension? Is that experience linked to the person you are today?

Concluding Thoughts

So, what have we learned from our deep dive into the world of people-pleasing?

We’ve uncovered that while it often comes from a place of kindness, the costs can be surprisingly steep—burnout from excessive generosity, unintentional dishonesty in our relationships, resentment that builds over time, and the tendency to suppress our own feelings to lift others up. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward reclaiming our authenticity and prioritising our own well-being.

Remember, it’s okay to say no, to speak your truth, and to prioritise yourself.

Life is too short to live under the weight of other people’s expectations.

Embrace your unique voice, and let it shine brightly.

After all, truly enjoying life comes not from pleasing others but from being proud of the person who you truly are.

References:

1. Gilam G, Gross JJ, Wager TD, Keefe FJ, Mackey SC. What Is the Relationship between Pain and Emotion? Bridging Constructs and Communities. Neuron. 2020 Jul 8;107(1):17-21. doi: 10.1016/j.neuron.2020.05.024. Epub 2020 Jun 19. PMID: 32562660; PMCID: PMC7578761.?
2. Walker, Pete. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote Publishing.?
3. Zaki, J., Schirmer, J., & Mitchell, J. P. (2011). Social influence modulates the neural computation of value. Psychological Science, 22, 894–900. doi:10.1177/0956797611411057

???? Hi there! I'm Katherine.

I challenge leaders to take bigger risks by letting go of the imaginary judgement and criticism that holds them back. My talks focus on leading more authentically and wearing our masks a little less, so we can take those scary steps that truly propel our careers and businesses forward—without worrying about looking ‘stupid’ if we fail or mess up.

If this sounds like a topic you might like to explore for your future events—so your audience can drop their acts and make a bigger impact within their professional careers and organisations—I’d love to hear from you. (I’d also love to hear from Chris Hemsworth, but that’s a story for another day).

?? Website - www.drkatherine.com

?? Email - [email protected]